Fat Race by Jamie O'Doherty Blackboard Gag: I will not hold illegal races just to gamble. Couch Gag: We see the empty coach, the camera turns to the wall where the Simpson's car crashes through. The Simpson's break through the windshield of the car and land on the couch without getting injured, except for Homer who's cut and scratched everywhere. We're in the Mr. Burns Casino. Even though it's morning, people are busy gambling away. The camera pans out to show us that we're looking at the surveilance cameras. The camera pans out again to show us Mr. Burns and Smithers. Smithers Sir, explain to me again why you relaunched your casino? Mr. Burns Well, I just couldn't continue without it. Anyway, everybody are now more interested in gamblng now, and because most of these people are idiots and are wasting their money meansmore for me. Also, I need a place to hold my Gambling meetings. Smithers Oh yes, when is your next gambling meeting? A doorbell rings. Smithers Let me guess, now? Rainier Wolfcastle No, it's been on for the last ten minutes. Smithers looks around him and sees many rich celebrites and leaders. They include Rainier Wolfcastle, Troy McClure, Mayor Quimby, Rupert Murdoch, Richard Nixon, Bill Gates, Stephan Hawking, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Bill and Hillary Clinton, Mick Jagger, the Rich Texan, Kent Brockman, Fatoni and many others. Mr. Burns Smithers, make yourself useful and get us our pizza we ordered. Smithers walks off. Rupert Murdoch Come on! Let's continue this bloody thing! I have to have me barbie when I get home! Rich Texan May I remind you that today is when we hold our yearly gamble-a-thon? You know, when we hold a big illegal event just for our gambling pleasure? Mr. Burns Yes, yes. And right now, this year's event is starting to shape up. Follow me to the meeting room and I'll tell you people all about it. Cut down to the casino. Homer is running through the crowds, holding Marge's hand. Homer Come on, come on, we're gonna miss Mr. T! Announcer (O.S.) Attention gamblers, Mr. T has phoned us and told us that he isn't bothering to peform today and he will come when he has nothing else to do. Homer (dissapointed) Oooooohhhhhhh!!! Marge Homer, why did you drag me all the way to the casino. I still have that gambling addiction. Homer Pfft, gambling addiction. What's wrong about addictions? I'm addicted to rage and nothing wrong ever happened. Marge What are are you talking about? You ended up looking like a fat version of the Hulk, caused $10 million worth of damage and made Stan Lee rip his only shirt. Homer What ever happened to him? Marge He thought he was Spiderman and fell off the Empire State Building. He's now in a wheelchair. Cut to a hospital. Stan Lee is in a wheelchair and is completely bald. A doctor walks over to him. Doctor Stan Lee, are you ok? Stan Lee I'm not Stan Lee, I'm Professor X of the X-Men! How are you Cyclops? Where's Wolverine? Cut back to the casino. Homer Well, at least since we're here we might gam... Marge (immediatelty) Okay, I'll be at the slots! Love you. She runs off to the slot machines. Homer runs after her. Homer Hey, wait up! As they run past the screen, we see Krusty sitting at the bar, drinking and watching the big-screen t.v. He puts his hands over his face. Krusty No, no, no! Come on! Commentator (O.S.) And Drederick Tatum is getting beaten into a bloody mess by Boxcar Mike! Who could of seen this coming? Krusty Come on, Tatum! Punch him! Look, he's checking his rags, you can knock him out! Awwww! Commentator (O.S.) And there's the knockout! Boxcar Mike is the new heavyweight champion of the world! Whoever betted loads of money on Drederick Tatum to win must be kicking themselves now. Krusty starts banging his head against the table in anger. Krusty No! No! No! Fatoni's gonna kill me if I don't get him his money! I should start saving my money wisely. I know, the slots! Krusty walks off. He comes back and gets his drink, eyeing everybody sitting near him. Cut to Moe, Lenny and Carl, who are also in the casino. They're standing outside a door with the sign Lap Dancing above it. Moe Oh man, I wish I had a lot of money so I could go in there. Lenny Can't we just go in there? Carl Yeah, but they'd just bring in the ugly fat girls to dance near you. The three shudder. Lenny I'm going to the slots, wanna come with me? Carl Sure. Moe Alright. Cut to Homer and Marge at the slot machines. They pull their lever at the smae time. Three "B"s appear on their machine and a siren goes off. Homer Woo hoo! Homer eagerly looks at a tray and their faces goes from excitement to dissapointment when they just see a gold coloured coin drop down into each of their trays. Marge (dissapointed) Oh, I was hoping for something better. Homer (picking up his coin) Hey, look at this. Marge Let me see. Homer You have your own. Marge picks up her coin and looks at it. Marge (reading the coin) You have won a prize, go to reception. Homer Hmmm, I wonder what we won? (excited) Is it a new car?!? No, it's a new boat, isn't it?!? No, it's a chance to take picture for Playboy?!? Marge Stop guessing and let's go to the reception. Cut to Krusty at another part of the slots area. He pulls the lever. Three "B"s appear and the siren goes off. Krusty rubs his hands with glee. Of course, he gets dissapointed when only a gold shaped coin falls into the tray. Krusty Huh? What the... He picks up the coin and looks at it. Moe, Lenny and Carl walk over to Krusty. Lenny Hey, Krusty got one of them coins too. Krusty What? What do these do? Carl Well, we got one each too and we're going to the receptionist now to get our prize. Moe Please be a lot of money, please be a lot of money! Cut to the reception. Marge and Homer are already there. So are Seymor and Agnus Skinner, Apu, Disco Stu, Otto, Nelson Muntz Edna Krabapple and Gil. Moe, Carl, Lenny and Krusty walk over to it. Krusty Hey Moe, tell me more of these prank calls you get. They sound great. Moe Let me see, oh, there was this one, the guy phones me and asks if Tinkle was here, first name Ivona. So I said to everbody, "put down your glasses, Ivona Tinkle." Krusty laughs. Krusty (laughs) Ivona Tinkle. Oh, that's gold. That guy who phones you is a genius. I wish I could meet him. Moe Yeah, he got me with that call three times already. Receptionist Are these all the people who won a golden coin? Let's see ...12...13...and 14. Yep, that's all of you. Wait here and I'll see if everything's ready. Marge So I see that we've all won something. Skinner Yes, it would have been more romantic if Mother wasn't here. Agnus Seymor! (slaps him) Don't talk like that! You're too young for romance. Skinner Yes Mother. Krabapple (whispers to Skinner) When are you buying us our own place. Skinner Once Mother picks a place she likes. Disco Stu Disco Stu plays it cool. That's why I won this coin. Skinner No, you just won that coin by pulling a lever. It was just luck. Disco Stu Hey, don't bring me down. This is all I have. Apu Hey, it takes more skill than you think. Otto Yeah, I wasted $200 to get this. I don't even know where I got the $200 either. Skinner looks over and sees Nelson. Skinner Nelson Muntz? You're too young to be here. Nelson Eh, what are you gonna do about it. Agnus Well, what are you waiting for, Seymor? Come on, you wuss, you can beat up a boy. Nelson punches Skinner in the stomach. Skinner falls to his knees. Nelson Ha ha! Agnus You sissy, get up! Skinner (in pain) Yes Mother. Receptionist Okay, you can all go in now. Cut to a large, posh room. There's a large table in the middle, a large buffet at one side and a wide mirror covering the other side. Homer Food!!! Homer runs over to the table and starts eating everything. Marge The prize must've been a buffet, then. Gil I think we've all relised that. Homer (O.S.) All gone. Everyone looks at Homer and the table. There are empty plates everywhere except for one filled with salad. Mr. Burns (O.S.) Ahem! Attention everyone, I have an impor...What the blazes! What happened to the buffet?!? Homer Will you tell him Marge, or shall I? Mr. Burns Well anyway, everybody take a seat, just don't mind if any injections pop out of them. Everybody sits down. Mr. Burns Now, I'll get to the point. Has anybody seen Rat Race? Everybody just stares at him. Mr. Burn Anyone at all? Homer (to Marge) What is he talking about? Is he gonna get rats and race them? Marge I don't know. Mr. Burns Okay, then has anybody ever seen Cannonball Run or the Fast and the Furious? Gil Is that the one with the speeding bus? Mr. Burns (getting annoyed) I don't know! I've never seen that movie! Disco Stu It was a movie? Otto Hey Gil, where did you get that video of me speeding? Gil That was you? Mr. Burns QUIET!!! Look, have you seen any of these things. Homer No. Marge No. Apu No. Krabapple No. Otto No. Nelson No. Gil No. Disco Stu No. Krusty No. Moe No. Lenny No. Carl No. Kent Brockman (O.S.) (from behind the mirror) No. Troy McClure (O.S.) (from behind the mirror) Shut up! Skinner No, I haven't seen it. Agnus Seymor! Don't speak before your mother! Skinner Yes Mother. Marge Did anyone notice a sound behind that mirror? Mr. Burns presses a button and a board with buttons come up. There is a number beside each button. He goes to press one of them (just in case you don't know, he's using the device Dr. Evil uses to fling people on seats into a pit of flames in Austin Powers 1). Homer Don't talk silly like that, Marge. Mr. Burns puts his finger away from the button. Mr. Burns Okay, okay, enough chitchat. Let me tell you why you're all here. Now, we all know that to win a jackpot in a casino or the lottery is impossible. Homer Now you tell me. Mr. Burns But I don't care, I own the State Lottery. Anyway, today, you, all of you have a chance to win a hell of a lot of money. Down in Slowsilver, West Springfield, there's a train station. Not a lot of people use it. Anyway, after you go in the front, go to the lockers in the room beside the front door. Inside locker No. 001 there is a sack and in the sack is £2 million. First one to get the money, wins it all. Everybody looks at Mr. Burns when they hear this. Krusty Seriously? Mr. Burns Yes. Krusty Holy mugumbo! $2 million! Homer $2 million?!? That's a spicy meatball. Moe If I had that money, I'd be able to get Windex instead of that Windell crap. Skinner I would definately be able to afford a place for me and Edna that Mother would like. Lenny I'd be able to move to a new apartment with racquetball courts on both sides. Otto Wow, I'd be able to get those double guitars...and some new underwear. Gil Oh boy, I'd finally be able to get back on my feet. I can buy my own business and hire the losers instead of just being one. I'd be in the zone. Ol' Gil will be able to live happily. Apu Ooh, Me and Manjula would be able to sort out the octuplets. They could all go to college. That means we don't have to pick a favourite. As the people are talking about what they could do with the money, the camera cuts to the meeting room, where the gambling group are discussing who to pick. Rainier Wolfcastle Hmm, I think that guy in the disco suit can go all the way. Rich Texan You always pick the weird ones. It's gonna be that Indian guy. Bill Gates Yeah right, he's gonna do better than Apple computers. I'm choosing the fat one. He'll be as good as my X-Box. Stephan Hawking That won't be too difficult. Bill Gates Shut up! I can buy and sell your paralised ass! Stephan Hawking Bring it on! Several circular saws and axes come out of Stephan Hawking's wheelchair. Stephan Hawking Not much people know that I'm a Battlebots champion. Fatoni Fellas, fellas, save it for the gambling. I think Krusty will do good. I just hope he pays back my money. I need the money to make more bets. Cut back to the buffet room. Mr. Burns Settle down people. (calls out) Smithers! Mr. Smithers comes out with a box. He opens the box and in it are 14 identical gold keys. Mr. Burns You all know Waylen Smithers. Don't mind him, he has no personality. Smithers But sir, I do have a... Mr. Burns (interrupting) Now, Smithers is handing each of you a gold key. All the keys are identical and open up the lock on the locker. Each key has a tracking device on it so we'll know where you are at all times. Homer Even when we're on the toilet. Mr. Burns I damn sure hope not. Smithers gives everybody a key. Mr. Burns So, with that...Go. The people stay in their seats. Marge So, it's the first one to get the bag who keeps the money. Mr. Burns Yes. Apu So it's a race then. Mr. Burns Yes...Go! The people still stay in their seats. Mr. Burns Oh for the love of... Mr. Burns takes out a remote control and presses a button. A wall behind the table opens up and a pack of Rottweilers run out. The people run out of the room and close the door. We hear several bangs against the door. Cut to buffet room. We see several Rottweilers knocked out unconscious beside the door. Mr. Burns I knew we shouldn't have used the blind dogs. Cut to outside the buffet room. There is silence for a minute. Carl Hey, I just relised something. The race has started. There's a moment of silence. Suddenly, everybody runs to the stairs. Cut to the stairs. The song, "Who Let the Dogs Out" by the Baha Men is played while the people are running down the stairs. We see Krusty is in the lead, followed by Disco Stu, then Apu, then Agnus, Skinner and Edna, then Moe, Lenny, Carl, Nelson, Otto, Gil and finally Homer, who's pulling Marge by the hand. Krusty trips over his big shoes. Moe trips over Krusty. Everybody trips over someone. Marge stops Homer before he reaches the pile of people in front of them. Homer Hey! What are you doing? We're last! Marge Homer, please stop. Are you really going to try and get that money? Homer Marge, it's $2 million! We might never get the chance to get that rich again. Marge (relising) Oh yeah! Hey look, everybody tripped up! We can get ahead. Cut to the pile of people, everybody is trying to get up. Skinner Hey, stop! Stop! Look, we can all work together to get that money and split it all together. There's a moment of silence. Agnus It's just like you to act that way when you're losing! Marge and Homer run past the pile of people. Homer Woo hoo! We're in the lead! Everybody gets up and run down the stairs after Marge and Homer. Cut to the buffet room. The buffet is refilled and has more food than last time (Homer ate it all, remember?) and everybody are sitting down watching a large wide-screen t.v. On the screen is a large map of Springfield. At the bottom left corner of the screen are several symbols which represent each of the contestants. The H is Homer The M is Marge The K is Krusty The Moe is Moe (well duh!) The O is Otto The S is Skinner The L is Lenny The C is Carl The N is Nelson The A is Agnus The E is Edna Krabapple The G is Gil The D is Disco Stu The A is Apu The symbols are all in Mr. Burns Casino in the map, which is on one side. The Slowsilver train station is on the other side of the map in West Springfield. Mr. Burns And it begins. Excellant! Welcome all to our annual Burns gamble-a-thon! Rupert Murdoch Hey! I thought it was gonna be called the FOX give-us-all-your-money scheme. Mr. Burns Shut up! Anyway, this is my way of telling you, I know what you like. A horse race with no rules. A horse race with horses that think and cheat. It's just perfect for gambling. So for now, just sit back and see these people do what they can to get that money. Smithers Er, sir, you did put the money in the locker, didn't you? Mr. Burns Well...Damn it! Smithers, here's the spare locker key, get on the copter and bring the money to the locker. Smithers Yes sir. Cut to the main floor of the casino. The group have split up, each trying to get ahead of each other. Moe, Lenny and Carl run through the blackjack area. Moe stops Lenny and Carl. Moe Woah! Hold on there! Why should we be against each other when we could team up and split the winnings. Lenny Sure, sure. Just keep on running. Moe Right. Hey, where's Carl? They look around and see Carl at a blackjack table. Carl Come on, daddy needs a new pair of something. Carl rolls the dice and gets a Snake Eyes (two 1s) Carl Ah nuts! I put all my money on that. Moe Hey Carl! Get your ass over here! The $2 million, remember? Carl Oh yeah! Carl joins Moe and Lenny and they run off. Cut to Gil. He makes it outside the casino with Disco Stu close behind him. A taxi stops in front of them. Gil tries to open the door but Disco Stu knocks him out of the way and gets into the taxi. Gil Aw nuts! Hey, would you let ol' Gil in with you? We can split the winnings. Disco Stu Hey, Disco Stu can do without you. (points at Gil) Disco Stu closes the door. Disco Stu (Fonzie-like) Hey, Slowsilver, West Springfield, please. Taxi Driver Alright, bud. The Taxi drives off. It stops at the traffic lights just as it moves. Taxi Driver So why are you going to West Springfield? Disco Stu Disco Stu ain't telling you! The traffic light goes green and the car drives off. Suddenly, Moe dives onto the windscreen, trying to stop the taxi. Disco Stu & Taxi Driver Aaaaaggggghhhhh!!!! The taxi drives off the road and crashes into the casino. Moe and Disco Stu stagger out unharmed. Moe Oh, my head. I'm never doing that again! Disco Stu Hey, where's the taxi driver? They look into the room they crashed into and see the taxi driver being comforted by several scantily clad lap dancers. Moe Oh, that could've been me. Lenny (O.S.) Moe! We'll use my car. Come on! Moe runs over to Lenny and Carl and gets into the car. It starts to drive off. We see Gil holding onto the back, being dragged along. Gil No, don't drive off! Please stop and let me in! Disco Stu Hey, wait for me! Disco Stu runs after the car. He jumps and manages to grab Gil by the leg. Gil No, let go of me! You're gonna rip my only pair of pants! Cut to Skinner, Edna Krabapple and Agnus as they get into Skinner's car. Skinner gets into the driver's seat. Skinner Okay, let's settle down and calmly go through... Agnus pushes Skinner out of the way and gets in the driver's seat. Agnus Shut up! Your wussy driving won't bring us anywhere. Let's go! The car drives off at a high speed. A scream is herad from Skinner and Krabapple at the back of the car. Cut to Otto and Nelsen. They run into Otto's school bus. Otto Hey man, let's win that cash! The bus drives off past Apu and Krusty. Nelsen Smell ya later! Apu and Krusty get into Apu's sportscar. Krusty Come on, come on. Can't you twist the key any faster? Apu Why are you in my car? Krusty Hey, I need all the help I can get. We can split the money and I'll still have enough to pay off Fatoni. I'd even have enough left over for a new pair of clown shoes. The ones from Italy. Apu Okay, let's go! They drive off. Cut to Homer and Marge getting in their car. Homer I just know we're gonna get that $2 million! Lisa (O.S.) What $2 million? Homer and Marge look behind them and see Bart, Lisa and Maggie sitting in the back seat. Homer D'oh! I knew we forgotten about something. Bart What $2 million are you talking about? Homer Er...we're gonna enter the lottery! Lisa But the lottery happened yesterday, remember? Mr. Flanders won it. Marge Look kids, we're gonna be honest with you. Cut to outside Spinster Apartments. The car drives off, leaving Bart, Lisa and Maggie behind with Patty and Selma. Lisa I have a feeling they're hiding something from us. Cut back to Homer and Marge. Homer Phew! I think we got away with it. They didn't suspect anything. Cut to Mr. Burns Casino. There's a large group around Stephan Hawking, who's wheelchair is spinning really fast. Stephan Hawking flies off the chair and smashes through the table. Mr. Burns Okay, who had the table? Troy McClure and Richard Nixon put their hands up. Mr. Burns Pay the people! Everybody starts giving Troy and Nixon cash. Cut to Skinner, Edna Krabapple and Agnus. Agnus is still driving wrecklessly through the streets. The car speeds past a cop car with Chief Wiggum, Lou and Eddie in it. Lou Er, Chief? Shouldn't we be chasing after that speeding car? Chief Wiggum Don't worry. It's an old lady driving. What harm can she do? Cut back to Skinner's car. Agnus drives it over fire hydrants and signs saying "Drive Safely". Cut to a street. Barney is walking across the road. Skinner's car speeds past, swerving out of the way and hitting Comic Book Guy instead. Barney Oh my god! Are you okay? Comic Book Guy (sitting up) Yes, I think so. (looks up at barney) Oh dear god...It's the Thing! Comic Book Guy runs off screaming before slowing down, breathing hard and collapsing. Cut back to Skinner's car. Skinner Mother, you ran over that overweight man! You're going to kill someone! Agnus It won't be the first time. The car speeds past the screen. Cut to Lenny's car. Moe's driving while Lenny and Carl are in the back seat and Gil and Disco Stu are holding on to the car outside. Disco Stu Disco Stu is finding this strangly comfortable. Lenny Moe, who's gonna mind the bar while you're here? Moe Oh, don't worry, I found Barney before we left. He's minding it. Cut to Moe's Tavern. Barney is behind the counter and there are several Bar Flies sitting around, drunk off their asses. Bar Fly 1 Hey Barney, why don't you have a beer? Barney I can't, I'm a recovering alcoholic. Now let me have my coffee. Bar Fly 2 Another Duff here. As Barney gets a Duff out for Bar Fly 2, Bar Fly 1 tries to get up. He falls and spills his beer into Barney's cup of coffee. Barney drinks the coffee. Barney Hey, this tastes differant. Oh well. Barney walks out of the bar. Suddenly a car crashes into the bar. Barney gets out of the car drunk, laughing and burping. Cut back to Lenny's car. Moe I'm sure he's gonna be fine. Cut to Otto's school bus. Otto is smoking. Nelson Hey, can I have some of that? Otto Now what kind of grown-up would I be if I let you smoke pot? (he takes a puff) Wow, I'm a bus driver! Cut to outside the bus. It's swerving around, forcing other cars off the road. Cut to Apu and Krusty in Apu's sportscar. Krusty Hey, do you have a map? Apu It's in the glove compartment. Krusty opens the glove compartment. Krusty looks around. Krusty Where is it? Apu It's under the pocket sized Karma Sutra. Krusty Oh, hear it is. He takes out the map. He also takes out the pocket sized Karma Sutra and puts it in his pocket when Apu isn't looking. Cut to Homer and Marge in their car. Homer Okay, we're in Crackton. How far is that from Slowsilver? Marge For the last time, I don't know! Homer D'oh! Where's Lisa when you need her? Marge Well, let's just get out our map. Homer No Marge! Don't... Marge opens the glove compartment and dozens of spring snakes pop out. Homer & Marge Aaaaaggggghhhhhh! Cut to outside the car. It swerves several times and crashes into a daycare centre. Loads of young children and babies run out. Child We're free! Homer and Marge get out of their car, unhurt. Marge Homer, why were there those joke snakes in the compartment? Homer It was a prank I was planning to do on you. Marge (Marge groan) Mmmmmmm! Homer We have to get that money. Marge I know but we crashed our car. Homer I know, we can steal a car. It will just be like that game, GTA: Vice City. I'll be the guy who steals the cars and you be the prostitute that I make out with and then kill to get my money back! Marge (Marge groan) Mmmmmmmm! Homer Okay, bad idea! Marge Hey, look! Marge and Homer turn around and see a bright blue van with the Duff logo on it. Homer It's the Duffmobile! They run up to it. Cut to the other side of the Duffmobile. Duff Man is holding a small party with people dancng on the streets. It's like a small festival. Duff Man Duff Man wants you to drink Duff! Person in crowd Couldn't you think of something better? Duff Man (thrusting) Security, Duff Man is thrusting to the troublemaker. Security comes out and drag the person away. Cut back to Homer and Marge. They secretly get in the Duff mobile, start up the engines and drive off. Duff Man Oh no, not the Duffmobile! I've been living in there! (Gil-like) Not today, not today, Duff Man was in the zone! Duff Man could get a taste of that success! (normal) Like Duff Soda. The Duff even kids can drink! Oh yeah! Cut to Mr. Burns' Casino. The Rich Texan is dancing around and wearing a tutu. He stops. Rich Texan Oh heck! This is ridiculous! Smithers Fourteen minutes! Mr. Burns Who said it will take ten to fifiteen minutes for the Rich Texan to relise he's embarrasing himself? Fatoni, Rainier Wolfcastle and Bill Clinton put up their hands. Mr. Burns Give them their money. They get large hand fulls of cash off the others. Bill Clinton Hey, can I have the tutu? Cut to Lenny's car. They drive past the same apartment Bart lived in in the 300th episode. Tony Hawk is at the top beside a ramp. He skates up the ramp and does his trademark 900 degrees spin. He lands perfectly. Tony Hawk Yes. I nailed it! Tony Hawk trips and falls off the building. Tony Hawk I knew this would happen... He lands on a trampolene which is placed there for no apparent reason. Tony Hawk lands on the roof. Tony Hawk Okay, never mind. Cut back to Lenny's car. Of course, Gil and Disco Stu are still be dragged along. Carl Where are we? Lenny We're in Sixth Street. Moe No, we're in Sixth Sense Street. Mayor Quimby changed the name when that freak kid came over for a visit. He should have never done Star Wars. As the car drives around at a fast speed, a cop car with Chief Wiggum, Lou and Eddie in it start chasing after it. Moe Oh crap, it's the cops! Chief Wiggum sticks his head out of the car window. Chief Wiggum (to Lou and Eddie) Hey guys, I need the megaphone. Eddie Here you go Chief. Eddie throws the megaphone to Wiggum. Wiggum fails to capture it and the megaphone goes out the window. Chief Wiggum (looking behind him) Aw nuts! He looks forward and smacks his head off a lamp post. Chief Wiggum Ow! (sticks his head back into the car) Man that hurts. Next time tell me when something like that happens. Lou Speed bump. Chief Wiggum What? The car drives over the bump and Chief Wiggum hits his head off the car roof, knocking him out cold. Cut to outside Lenny's car. Gil and Disco Stu are still hanging on. Disco Stu climbs up Gil and grabs onto the bumper. Gil Phew, there goes the excess weight. Hey, has it just gone cold? Cut to the police car. Eddie Oh dear lord! Lou It's hideous! Cut back to Lennys car. We see that Gil isn't wearing any pants! He's only in his shirt and underwear! Gil (looks behind him) Ah! My pants! I only had four payments left! What happened to them? Disco Stu Disco Stu accidentaly ripped them off! Disco Stu climbs up the car onto the roof, Gil follows him. Cut to inside Lenny's car. Carl looks behind him and see Gil's legs on the window. Carl Agghhh! Oh my eyes! Lenny What's wrong? (looks behind him) Aggghh! Moe, there's nudists on the roof! Moe Well not for long. Moe drives wrecklessly, steering around tight turns at hight speeds. Gil and Disco Stu are holding on for their lives. The cop car behind them is having difficulty catching up with them. Cut to inside the cop car. Chief Wiggum is coming to. Lou Attention, this is Officer Lou in car 62. We're busy in a car chase. It's a brown car with a guy in disco clothes and another guy in his underwear on top of the roof. Bring a spare pair of pants. Chief Wiggum (dazed) Hey what happened? Eddie It's okay, Chief. Chief Wiggum spits out a tooth. Chief Wiggum (to Eddie, stil dazed) Are you the Tooth Fairy? Eddie gets a nightstick and whacks Chief Wiggum with it, knocking him out. Lou looks at Eddie. Eddie What? He was getting on my nerves. It suddenly starts to rain heavily. Gil Oh no! It's starting to rain and I'm in my underwear. I'm not going to like this. (looks at Disco Stu) What's wrong with you? Disco Stu (shaking a bit and looking uncomfertable) Disco Stu has to poo! Cut to Skinner's car. Agnus is still driving wrecklessly. So far, she ran over six trees, four signs and sixteen midgets. Note: No midgets were harmed during the filming of this script. Only dogs, eskimos and a donkey. Krabapple Mrs. Skinner, why don't you let me drive? Skinner Shut up, you hussy! Krabapple Why I oughta... Skinner (whisperong to Krabapple) I wouldn't annoy her. She can be very violent when she's angry! Cut to Otto's school bus. Otto's asleep and Nelson is driving. Nelson (to a driver) Hey, bug off! Don't overtake me! He looks around and sees Hans Moleman driving a Gremlin beside the bus. Nelson rams into the Gremlin, sending it flipping into the Burn Ward. Hans Moleman Why do I always suffer the physical comedy? The Burn Ward explodes. Nelson Ha ha! Cut to Homer and Marge in the Duffmobile. Marge is driving while Homer is barely concious with dozens of empty Duff cans beside him. Homer (drunk) You know, I met this guy called Schumacher. What a jackass! I couldn't understand a word he was gagolling...Zzzzzz Marge (to herself) Out of all the vehicles with beer in it, we just had to be in one. Cut to the outside of the Android's Dungeon Comic Book Store. Comic Book Guy walks out equipped with a flame-thrower. Comic Book Guy Aha! Now I'll be able to fry the Thing. He walks across the road and gets knocked down by Skinner's car. Skinner Oh dear god! Mother, you hit that overweight man again! Mother He's beginning to bug me. The car drives off. Dr. Nick Riviera runs over to Comic Book Guy. Dr. Nick Oh no, I think this man is about to give birth to ten babies! Comic Book Guy sits up, unharmed. Dr. Nick Are you okay? We see Dr. Nick through Comic Book Guy's eyes. Dr. Nick morphs into Halle Berry wearing her Storm costume from X-Men. Comic Book Guy Most beautiful woman ever! Comic Book Guy starts kissing Dr. Nick. Dr. Nick Hey, hey, get off me! Even if I was, I wouldn't be interested in you. Dr. Nick pushes Comic Book Guy away from him and runs off. Comic Book Guy Don't leave me! I'm like a teddy bear! Hug me! Cut to Mr. Burns' Casino. Smithers is all alone in the buffet room. there's a knockon the door. Smithers opens it and five beautiful women walk in. Beautiful Woman 1 Is this the buffet room? Smithers Yes. Beautiful Woman 2 Are you Waylen Smithers? Smithers Yes. Beautiful Women (all 5 at the same time) Would you like to see us naked?!? Smithers No! Mr. Burns and all the other rich guys come out from behind the curtains. Mr. Burns Okay, who said that Smithers would say no? Everybody puts their hands up. Mr. Burns Oh...I think we're starting to run out of ideas. (to the beautiful women) Okay, you can leave now. The beautiful women leave. Bill Clinton No, wait! Stay here! I can keep you company! Don't worry, my wife doesn't care! Hilary Clinton stares at him. Bill Clinton What? You said you didn't! Hilary Clinton No, that was Al Gore! Cut to Krusty and Apu. They drive past Moe's Tavern, where the car is still crashed into the building. Apu Hey, isn't that the disco person on that car? We see Lenny's car with Gil and Disco Stu on top driving ahead of Apu and Krusty Krusty What the hell!?! They're ahead of us! Chase after that car with the guy with no pants! The car speeds up. Suddenly, the Duffmobile comes out and catches up with Apu's sportscar. Otto's school bus comes into the screen just behind them. Skinner's car wrecklessly comes out from another turn and gets behind the cop car. Cut to Springfield Bridge. The six cars (including the cop car) enter the bridge,each passing each other. Skinner's car rams into the back of the cop car,sending it over the bridge and into the water. Lou Aw nuts! Chief Wiggum comes to. Chief Wiggum (dazed) Oh no, we're going to Treasure Island! Eddie hits Chief Wiggum with the nightstick again. Cut back to the racing on the bridge. Skinner Mother, please stop driving like this! Agnus Seymor! Pipe down or I'll...(yawns) Oh, I'm feeling very tired... Skinner Oh no, Mother forgot to take her pep pills! Krabapple Shut up, that's a good thing! Agnus Zzzzzzz... Skinner Mother? (to Krabapple) I'll take the wheel. Skinner pushes Agnus aside and takes the steering wheel. Cut to Otto's school bus. Nelson is stil driving. Otto Wow! You're good at this. Nelson Well duh! Otto Hey, watch out! They look to the left and see The Duffmobile almost smashing into them. Cut to the Duffmobile. Homer's now driving, sober, but still is having difficulty controlling the Duffmobile. Marge Here, I'll take over. Homer Okay. Homer drinks a duff and suddenly goes drunk. Homer (drunk) You know why I like you Marge, because you have nice... Cut to Lenny's car. Gil and Disco Stu are trying to get in. Lenny and Carl are trying to push them out and off the car. Gil Come on! You gotta let ol' Gil in. It's freezing out there! Cut to West Springfield. The cars got past the bridge and are almost there. Cut to Lenny's Car. It takes a sharp left, sending Disco Stu and Gil into the car. Disco Stu (Fonz-like) Hey, we got in! Moe Hey, how the hell did you's two get in this car? Carl Gee Moe, weren't you paying attention? Moe No, I was busy not trying to crash. Lenny Hey, you with the underwear, here's a spare pair of pants. He gives Gil a pair of pants. Gil Oh boy, finally! He puts them on. Moe What the hell?!? There's a large wall ahead! Cut to inside Skinner's car. Skinner puts his hand in his pocket and takes out a pill. He puts it in Agnus' mouth. She immediately wakes up. Agnus What the hell? Krabapple Quiet! what's that up ahead? Skinner It's a large wall! Cut to the road block. All five cars stop and everybody gets out. There's a note on the wall. Marge (reading the note) Slowsilver ahead. Climb over the wall. Love Mr. Burns After a moment of silence everybody suddenly climbs the wall and easily gets over it, except for Homer, who needs Marge's help to get over. Cut to inside the Slowsilver train station. Mr. Smithers is waiting in the locker area. Cut to outside the Slowsilver train station. Everybody is running up to it. Nelson runs and falls into an open man-hole. Carl (falls, hits the ground) Aw nuts! Krusty and Otto ends up running past a sign saying "Wet Cement". They gets stuck. Krusty Oh damn it! Otto Oh man! I knew this was going to happen! Nelson looks behind him and sees what happened to Krusty, Carl and Otto. Nelson Ha-ha! Nelson suddenly runs into a lamp post. Nelson Crud! Cut back to the people running. Skinner trips over a pot-hole. Skinner No! No, no ,no ,no, no! Mother, Edna, go on without me! He looks ahead and sees the Agnus and Krabapple never stopped and are still running. Cut back to the people running. Apu suddenly stops. Apu Oh no! I just relised I didn't get anyone to mind my store! Agnus suddenly runs into Apu. Agnus Why...! What were you doing stopping! You blocked my way! Seymor! Get your sissy ass over here and help me up! Disco Stu continues running but stops when he hears something. Disco stu What the...What's that noise. (he hears "Staying Alive" by the Bee Gees) That groovy, cool music. It's disco! No, Disco Stu can't stop the vibes from entering my body. I gotta boogie! Disco Stu starts dancing to the music. Cut back to the remaining people running. Homer suddenly starts slowing down and clenches his stomach. Marge notices this. Homer stops running. Homer (in pain) Don't...worry...It's just a...heart-attack...Damn beer! Go on ahead... I'll be fine. Marge stops running and rushes over to Homer. Marge Oh Homie, are you okay? Homer (back to normal) I think I am. Marge I thought you had a heart-attack. Homer No, I just had to fart. Marge (sniffs, Marge groan) Mmmmmmmm! Cut back to the people running. Moe's and Lenny's shoelaces get tied together and they trip over. Lenny Aw nuts! Moe Damn it! You know, you could've worn loafers today! Cut back to Gil and Krabapple running. They're the only ones left who have a chance to get the money. Gil gets ahead and runs into the door, failing to open it. Krabapple runs into the door, knocking it down. Krabapple There's the locker! Ha! I... Gil suddenly pushes Krabapple out of the way. Gil Oh boy! I'm actually gonna win this! Everything's going up Gil! He searches for his key. Gil Oh no! I left the key in my other pants! Everybody who was left behind gets into the train station and rushes to the locker. Agnus and Disco Stu reach the locker first and try to get their key out. Agnus Why, the cheek of you... Agnus stamps on Disco Stu's foot. Disco Stu Disco Stu should of Disco Don't. Ow! Agnus opens the locker and gets the sack. Agnus Yes! Everybody stops and groans. Smithers Congratulations, Mrs. Skinner, you have won the $2 million! Cut to Mr Burns' Casino. Several people are celebrating, because they picked Agnus to win. Kent Brockman Yes! I knew that old hag would win it! Cut back to Slowsilver train station. Agnus is celebrating. Skinner Ahem! Mother, are you sharing your new found wealth with me? Agnus What are you, nuts?!? You'd like that, wouldn't you? Smithers As a treat, here's Mr. Burns via sattelite. A screen appears with Mr. Burns on it. Mr. Burns Ahoy compettitors. Let me just say, congratulations, Agnus. You truly deserve that money. Unfortunately, you're not getting it! Smithers suddenly takes the sack, runs outside and drives off in Mr. Burns' car. Agnus What? What the hell is this!?! Mr. Burns What? Didn't you know? I said the person who got the sack, won the money. But I never said anything about keeping it, did I? (laughs evily) So long! The television turns itself off. Homer Well, that was a waste of time! Chief Wiggum (O.S.) Hello...Police. Anyone here? Krusty What do you want? Chief Wiggum There's been a lot of chaos around the city today, we're looking for the one that caused it. We're gonna arrest that person. Everybody immediately points at Agnus, even Skinner. Everyone (except Agnus) It was her! (points at Agnus) Chief Wiggum Maam, you're under arrest for car-jacking the Duffmobile. Come with us. Eddie and Lou handcuff Agnus and drag her out. Agnus What are you doing!?! Let me go!!! Marge Well, at least this whole thing is over. There's a moment of silence. Carl Race you all to Moe's! Everybody runs out of the train station, get in their cars and race off. The End