Review: "Come Together"

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Gulliver63
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Review: "Come Together"

Postby Gulliver63 » Sun Sep 09, 2012 12:34 am

Here's my latest story, "Come Together." Leela and Amy end up in a bit of a jam after a transporter accident - they end up combined into one person. What's worse, this third person they become starts to take on her own personality, forcing the girls into the back seat. I'm happy to introduce Bubblegum Tate, never before appearing in any of my stories. My special thanks go to Robert Stewart where I work, who helped me greatly with the basketball game the gang had to play in. Also appearing in my story is the legendary (for better or for worse) Indiana University basketball coach Bobby Knight. He was the inspiration for the Professor's chair throwing scene in "Time Keeps on Slippin', and somebody I used to wave hello to every now and again when I worked in the Indianapolis Airport. This story was loads of fun to write, and I hope you guys enjoy being introduced to Futurama's newest OC - Amelia Schmeltzer.
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Come Together.doc
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Come Together Cover small.jpg
"I always remember an epitaph which is in the cemetery at Tombstone, Arizona. It says: 'Here lies Jack Williams. He done his damnedest.' I think that is the greatest epitaph a man can have - When he gives everything that is in him to do the job he has before him. That is all you can ask of him and that is what I have tried to do."
Harry S Truman

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Lisabella
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Re: Review: "Come Together"

Postby Lisabella » Sun Sep 09, 2012 1:19 am

Interesting idea, Gulliver.

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Gulliver63
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Re: Review: "Come Together"

Postby Gulliver63 » Sun Sep 09, 2012 2:28 am

It's a story that changed mid-stream...I had originally planned to have Amelia be like Framy from "Lay Your Head on My Shoulder," but I changed it because they were turning in to what you see on the new cover anyway. The original treatment is still awfully cute, and I may post it here at some point. Here is the original Amelia I posted at dA the other day http://gulliver63.deviantart.com/#/d5dvbfw .
"I always remember an epitaph which is in the cemetery at Tombstone, Arizona. It says: 'Here lies Jack Williams. He done his damnedest.' I think that is the greatest epitaph a man can have - When he gives everything that is in him to do the job he has before him. That is all you can ask of him and that is what I have tried to do."
Harry S Truman

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Just Chris
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Re: Review: "Come Together"

Postby Just Chris » Fri Oct 26, 2012 10:10 pm

Typoes: "than it's just" should be "then"; "C'mon you," seems to end with a comma; "hand with" has an extra space; in "Amy? you look different", "you" should be capitalised; The worst of all my fears has come true" needs a quotation mark at the start; "almost a like a contralto"; "barista" is unnecessarily capitalised at one point; "Brazil Indiana" presumably needs a comma; "let Amy and I do our stuff" should be "Amy and me" (but then, people's dialogue is rarely completely grammatically correct, so I can let that slide).

I might as well put this up front: this is one of your best fics I've read to date. Maybe not quite as good as "Too Much of a Good Thing" (which is probably my favourite of your stuff), but not far behind. It starts out good, with a nice mixture of Leela's and Amy's personalities for Amelia, but it becomes even better when

Spoiler


The plot is dramatic and tense. While the story is a bit low on jokes, there are some funny ones, like Amazonian.com. I like the Frederick Pohl reference, too. Amelia is a great name, and the title is clever. Everyone is in character (apart from the two leads, Fry stands out), and I like how you wrote Leela's and Amy's thoughts. Also, I'm happy that

Spoiler


There aren't many downsides. The writing felt a bit succinct in places: with a bit more description, and more time given to events, the drama would be even more powerful. Also, while the very last scene is pay-off for the scene with Morgan Proctor earlier, I felt that it didn't really add anything to the story, and diluted the emotional impact of the previous scene at the café, which would have made for an excellent ending. That's probably a taste thing, though, so don't worry too much about it. (However, I do appreciate a story where Morgan isn't a bad guy.)

A very good story, with a tense moral dilemma and very good performances from the main cast. Strongly recommended. A
Last edited by Just Chris on Mon Oct 29, 2012 7:10 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Gulliver63
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Re: Review: "Come Together"

Postby Gulliver63 » Sat Oct 27, 2012 1:31 am

Thanks! Like I've said, I specifically tried to address that description thing in the latest story. I'm glad you liked the reference to Fred Pohl; I had the honor of actually getting to chat with Fred at a convention...he told me all about Rod Serling, who he knew personally. And I'm sure Robert Stewart at work will get a kick out of how you feel about "Too Much of a Good Thing." For the record, I think "Educating Neeta" is probably one of my favorites, although I really liked "Good Thing."
"I always remember an epitaph which is in the cemetery at Tombstone, Arizona. It says: 'Here lies Jack Williams. He done his damnedest.' I think that is the greatest epitaph a man can have - When he gives everything that is in him to do the job he has before him. That is all you can ask of him and that is what I have tried to do."
Harry S Truman


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