Lisa Fitzgerald 2005 - They said it couldn't be done. They were probably right.

Topic: From Prussia With Love

Users: @Alexander @Graham @SuzyQ

irc.simpworks.com

[Don Cobra]

I would think that "Lisa Fitzgerald 2005" would have something to do with this...

I'm yet to read the latest part, though. I'll do it when I can!

[A Spy in Mancunia]

Your writing style continues excellent. In fact, I'll point out my main problem with this story right now: it makes the original "Lisa Fitzgerald", great as it was, seem lacklustre. Which, I guess, is why.  

This hurt to read, for all the right reasons. It's... true to life. That's really all I can say without going on a diatribe.

Very, very minor nitpick: two clauses in a row ending with the word "one". Told you it was minor, but I'm sensitive to that kind of thing.

The little "Psycho" reference seems very deep to me, for some reason. Kind of expressive of the way that most outsiders can't understand the feelings between Lisa and her father. And "Norma"... I'd join Sergey in "aww".

Hmm... you mention "Melinda and her gang", but there's no Melinda in the gang that assaults Lisa later. Did you mean "Mildred"?

The appearance of Mr Bergstrom made me truly happy, just like Lisa. That kind of brightness makes the dark around it so much more tangible... but of course, you know that. Suffice it to say, introducing him here is an excellent choice, and you seem to have him very much in character.

The irony about him worrying about being seen as a suspected child molester... well, it cut. Hard.

Lisa said softly, into her chest.

"Softly" probably isn't needed in the context. I love the "into her chest" though, tying up with what Miss Adams said earlier.

I see you brought in the stolen snack here. Wonderful, in a horrible way. In fact, I love how you use this chapter to introduce the horrible state of affairs in the Fitzgerald home by those little details.

(I think Twinky should have a capital T, being a trademark, but I'm not sure.)

Minor niggles aside, it continues great. Not a pleasant read in any way, but awesome.

[Dagdamor]

I hope it's okay to bump up thread with the such stupid post.
Jenny, I don't know about the others, but I still wait for the next bit of LF2005. Very much.
I'm not pushing you, only hope you didn't throw away the idea.

[jenny]

This is all I've done since the last post.

[mystik lilac]

Woooow.
What can I say? It's beautiful.
I found myself fighting back tears at many times during all these four chapters. Even now about 5 minutes after reading it I can feel tears stinging my eyes.
I say again... wow.
This is probably the best Simpsons fanfic ever IMO, if not the greatest across all genres, and if you decided to publish it, it would be my favourite book too.
Please don't stop.
Woah, I'm almost banging on the keyboards now...

... sorry for the lateness of this post.

[missygal21880]

As always, there's very little I can add constructively.  Beautifully written and created.

[Don Cobra]

I finally got over my laziness and read the latest parts. I can say that, if the rest of the fic keeps going on this pace, this thing will be EPIC, won't it? I'm not exactly in the mood to read something so destructive like those chapters (thank goodness I didn't have Bob The Builder's album playing on my headphones while I read!), but that stuff is just great. I love the ugly, horrifying situation being introduced slowly, bit after bit (as in the fact Lisa didn't eat for three days being said so plainly). You make it work wonders. It's a very, very different approach from the previous version. I wouldn't say it looks lacklustre now - it's just far more direct and brutal. Not worse, but different. Different people will prefer different approaches, yes, but I'd say the "2005" version is downright brilliant so far. Keep on writing it, it's worth the effort. You're pulling it off extraordilarily well.

I'll leave the nitpicking for Chris, though.

[DeadRichmond]

The people sitting next to me in my college IT room are giving me funny looks because I keep sobbing uncontrollably.

[jenny]

Atchung!

[Black_raven]

 :'(This is amazing, I've never had a life like LF (thankfully) but I can relate to bullying, this is indeed pretty realistic and it is what makes it quite sad But it's in a good way

I read your original not long ago and loved it! Took me days to read because of school but managed to read a chapter a night.  Now I can look foraward to reading more

I may be good at Studying English Literiture at school but when it comes to spelling, writting and everything eles I'm an idiot,

 I really admire your writting skills, I've always wanted to be able to write.
I think you've perfected the characters even more in your new LF and there's so much detail, the imagery is also good.

I'm not really a literiture critic however I can say this is Beautifully written so far Keep this up

[A Spy in Mancunia]

Nitpick: it should be "its own little shadow" without an apostrophe.

Lisa told herself she was shivering because of the cold.

I love it. Also the next paragraph. Whatever, there's very little here that I don't like.

One problem I have with it: you switch very quickly between Lisa's and Jack's POVs. Personally, I prefer it when an author sticks to one POV for an entire scene, but I'm sure that can be debated. It particularly stands out when you have lines like:

'Okay,' Lisa said. Jack barely heard her.

It jars a bit, at least to me. On the other hand, this technique really shows the lack of communication between the two, and the bits from Jack's POV are excellently written. Maybe it just needs some smoothing.

The kid's mother used to do this to him all the time.

Another line I love. It shows Jack's resentment briefly and effectively.

Another nitpick: it should be "had run", unless the bad grammar expresses Jack's inner voice.

Speaking of Jack's inner voice, I must say I'm impressed by the rhythm you've given it. It really does seem deranged.

It's "vessel".

I'm really happy you put in the scene where Jack wants to apologise to her. It's a very strong bit, and feels real. (I know from experience that people are never as nasty to one another as when they're ashamed of what they've already done.) The only thing I don't like in this part is "the anger inside him rose into a tidal wave", which is a bit of a cliché. I think you can do without it.

Very slight nitpick: Shelbyville has Speed-E-Mart, not Kwik-E-Mart (unless Lisa crossed over the town boundary to steal).

I find nothing bad about the scene in Lisa's room. It's simply excellent. Particularly good bits was Lisa preferring juvenile prison to her home, and how she would once have enjoyed hearing Jack and her mum having a drink and talking. The bit about the saxophone is great as well.

To sum up: another great addition, with some of the strongest scenes so far in this new version. Apart from a couple of technical mistakes and the switching POVs in the first bit (which isn't bad, just a bit jarring), this is great. I said above that I loved a couple of things in it, but "love" is really the wrong word for something as tragic as this story. I admire it, that's for sure. Lisa is excellent, and you've given Jack an unforgettable character. Not a sympathetic one, of course, but pitiable as well as nasty. You also manage to make it not completely depressing, by bringing in some lighter memories, or Lisa's talking to her Binky. Actually, I think what separates a story like this from the awful kind of darkfic is the fact that Lisa isn't just a victim: she thinks and reasons and tries to make her life a bit better, even when there is no possible way she can.

Specific points about style, since you asked me about that: you needn't have worried, I like your style a lot. (Again, not everyone will, but not everyone will like *anything*.) It does feel quite sparse, but not overly so, and it suits the wintery ambience of the story.

Do keep going.

[jenny]

More...

The beginning of this little excert comes from the end of the last part, so if you read it and you've already read the last installment, just scroll down a little bit.

[A Spy in Mancunia]

Finally, I've read the new bit.

dragging the sax with her as if for good luck

Awww...

Lisa's bitterness against the man outside makes a lot of sense and is well described.

Lisa was bitter, but she was not disappointed.

I'm in two minds about this sentence. On the one hand, it could be seen as telling instead of showing, but on the other, it ties in with Lisa half-thinking (perhaps unconsciously) that her mother might be in the car and links to the previous paragraphs. I'm not sure.

Nothing to say about the next bit. It's just excellent, particularly the last paragraph.

Bart's pupils jiggled and danced inside his head,

Another bit I'm unsure about. "Inside his head" sounds like an odd place for pupils to be (even if it's strictly true), but it gives a good visual image at the same time.

The conversation between Marge and Bart is great. Bart's character oozes from all of his lines. (Marge's character is quieter, of course, but it's very deep here.) I like her reflections on how their bond is weakening. (And can see how this is setting up for the future.)

I like Homer looking for his Christmas presents. The entire scene, in fact, particularly Homer's final line.

A nitpick: I think the bowling ball was called "Hammer of Thor". One of my favourite jokes, by the way. Thanks for including that. Oh, and yay! Bonestorm!

but all he could see in it were ancient love letters and photographs of dad with hair.

*LOL*

I should mention, Homer is wonderfully in character as well. Particularly about how much time he would have needed to think up a more edifying story about John's death. Bart's shallow responses are just right as well.

I like how you unfold the story of John little by little in this way.

Typo/spelling: you missed the apostrophe in "'til".

Lovely ending. Possibly, "heavy" could be cut (since we're pretty sure what the package is, anyway), but that's not necessary.

Well, I can't find much to be improved. The sections centred on the Simpsons are a welcome relief from the bleakness of Lisa's existence, and everyone is in character. Like I said, the way you introduce John's story is very good. By all means, keep going.

[jenny]

Ok, the first part of LF is finished now. It's probably worth pointing out for those who are unaware of how this story goes, that this part contains scenes that some people may find overly violent, distressing, or just plain weird for a Simpsons fanfic. There's bad language and some pretty unpleasant themes here. In my defence, I'd like to point out that this isn't just a sadistic darkfic, and from this point onward things do get a lot better for poor Lisa, so please don't shout for my head just yet. Merci beaucoup.

[jenny]

Also, I suspect that I might have to cut the narrative down in certain places... it goes into a bit too much detail at some points and ruins the flow.