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Treatment "Neverknowne"
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Gulliver63
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Treatment "Neverknowne"
by Gulliver63 » Wed Jan 16, 2013 11:40 pm
I wrote this at work last December, and nearly forgot about it. For a long time I've had a fantasy world called "Neverknowne" where humans share an Earth with centaurs, cyclopes and the like. It was sort of a steampunk world that I threw together with some Tolkein flavoring. A high-mana world, it was mostly run by powerful wizards. This was just my way of playing around on the playground, but I really liked the character of Miss Chen...a tough centaur government agent. Again, as always, the playground gate is definately open.
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Neverknowne.doc- (24.5 KiB) Downloaded 139 times
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"...Although the last time aliens invaded, all they did was force the most intelligent of us to mate continuously...oh, yes..."
Professor Farnsworth
"I'll keep it short and sweet. Family, religion, friendship. These are the three demons you must slay if you wish to succeed in business..."
Montgomery Burns
Professor Farnsworth
"I'll keep it short and sweet. Family, religion, friendship. These are the three demons you must slay if you wish to succeed in business..."
Montgomery Burns
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Just Chris
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- Se ha doblado el Bardem, se ha doblado el divertimiento
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Re: Treatment "Neverknowne"
by Just Chris » Thu Jan 17, 2013 9:19 pm
This sounds like an interesting idea! I like the title (the final "E" is a little bit cheesy, but it still works). The design for Chén looks great, too.
Moving on to the story.
Typo: you "pore" over a document, not "pour".
Apart from that, I like this. It manages to transmit quite a lot of detail about the world in a short time, and without being info-dumpy. I got quite a good feel for the characters, and I quite like Geraghty, despite his racism. It's a bit dialogue-heavy, but that works for this kind of scene. Definitely seems like it could make an interesting novel.
Moving on to the story.
Typo: you "pore" over a document, not "pour".
Apart from that, I like this. It manages to transmit quite a lot of detail about the world in a short time, and without being info-dumpy. I got quite a good feel for the characters, and I quite like Geraghty, despite his racism. It's a bit dialogue-heavy, but that works for this kind of scene. Definitely seems like it could make an interesting novel.
<- Policies have risen up and overcome the brave
It wasn't for the money, at least it didn't start that way;
It wasn't for the runnin', but now he's runnin' everyday.
- The Eagles, "Certain Kind of Fool"
It wasn't for the money, at least it didn't start that way;
It wasn't for the runnin', but now he's runnin' everyday.
- The Eagles, "Certain Kind of Fool"
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Gulliver63
- Advisory Technical Manager
- Parabox Tourguide
- Posts: 1084
- Joined: Wed Jun 23, 2010 10:21 pm
- Location: Indianapolis
- Custom Title: Parabox Tourguide
Re: Treatment "Neverknowne"
by Gulliver63 » Fri Jan 18, 2013 2:28 am
Thanks! It's one of those things that might develop into something someday. I kind of like the way that the elves factor into the food chain of society. It's fun to try different things...
"...Although the last time aliens invaded, all they did was force the most intelligent of us to mate continuously...oh, yes..."
Professor Farnsworth
"I'll keep it short and sweet. Family, religion, friendship. These are the three demons you must slay if you wish to succeed in business..."
Montgomery Burns
Professor Farnsworth
"I'll keep it short and sweet. Family, religion, friendship. These are the three demons you must slay if you wish to succeed in business..."
Montgomery Burns
-
Just Chris
- Lickspittle
- Se ha doblado el Bardem, se ha doblado el divertimiento
- Posts: 8219
- Joined: Fri Aug 10, 2001 2:00 pm
- Location: Coming from nowhere, bound by nothing
- Custom Title: Se ha doblado el Bardem, se ha doblado el divertimiento
Re: Treatment "Neverknowne"
by Just Chris » Fri Jan 18, 2013 10:03 am
Yeah, the bit about the elves was my favourite part.
<- Policies have risen up and overcome the brave
It wasn't for the money, at least it didn't start that way;
It wasn't for the runnin', but now he's runnin' everyday.
- The Eagles, "Certain Kind of Fool"
It wasn't for the money, at least it didn't start that way;
It wasn't for the runnin', but now he's runnin' everyday.
- The Eagles, "Certain Kind of Fool"
-
Gulliver63
- Advisory Technical Manager
- Parabox Tourguide
- Posts: 1084
- Joined: Wed Jun 23, 2010 10:21 pm
- Location: Indianapolis
- Custom Title: Parabox Tourguide
Re: Treatment "Neverknowne"
by Gulliver63 » Fri Jan 18, 2013 10:42 am
And the other part I wrote about the army is oh so true - if it looks good on paper, it looks good.
"...Although the last time aliens invaded, all they did was force the most intelligent of us to mate continuously...oh, yes..."
Professor Farnsworth
"I'll keep it short and sweet. Family, religion, friendship. These are the three demons you must slay if you wish to succeed in business..."
Montgomery Burns
Professor Farnsworth
"I'll keep it short and sweet. Family, religion, friendship. These are the three demons you must slay if you wish to succeed in business..."
Montgomery Burns
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