Treatment "Neverknowne"

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Gulliver63
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Treatment "Neverknowne"

Postby Gulliver63 » Wed Jan 16, 2013 11:40 pm

I wrote this at work last December, and nearly forgot about it. For a long time I've had a fantasy world called "Neverknowne" where humans share an Earth with centaurs, cyclopes and the like. It was sort of a steampunk world that I threw together with some Tolkein flavoring. A high-mana world, it was mostly run by powerful wizards. This was just my way of playing around on the playground, but I really liked the character of Miss Chen...a tough centaur government agent. Again, as always, the playground gate is definately open.
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Neverknowne.doc
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Miss Chen Development small.jpg
"We are today's creatures, locked in tomorrow's double feature..."
David Bowie

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Re: Treatment "Neverknowne"

Postby Just Chris » Thu Jan 17, 2013 9:19 pm

This sounds like an interesting idea! I like the title (the final "E" is a little bit cheesy, but it still works). The design for Chén looks great, too.

Moving on to the story.

Typo: you "pore" over a document, not "pour".

Apart from that, I like this. It manages to transmit quite a lot of detail about the world in a short time, and without being info-dumpy. I got quite a good feel for the characters, and I quite like Geraghty, despite his racism. It's a bit dialogue-heavy, but that works for this kind of scene. Definitely seems like it could make an interesting novel.
[avatar by the awesome May; doesn't endorse any past or current totalitarian regimes]

Are you really gonna take it like that
Riding on the missile with the cowboy hat?

Oh, well the world is gonna end
So dance around the fire that we once believed in!
Oh, wanna tear it down again now,
'Cause there's nothing left for us to be
Give it up, the sons of anarchy
So come around and have another round on me!

DANCE, F***ER, DANCE, LET THE MOTHERF***ER BURN!


- The Offspring, "Slim Pickens Does the Right Thing and Rides the Bomb to Hell"

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Gulliver63
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Re: Treatment "Neverknowne"

Postby Gulliver63 » Fri Jan 18, 2013 2:28 am

Thanks! It's one of those things that might develop into something someday. I kind of like the way that the elves factor into the food chain of society. It's fun to try different things...
"We are today's creatures, locked in tomorrow's double feature..."
David Bowie

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Just Chris
Yes Man
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And then Chris was the xenos
 
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Re: Treatment "Neverknowne"

Postby Just Chris » Fri Jan 18, 2013 10:03 am

Yeah, the bit about the elves was my favourite part.
[avatar by the awesome May; doesn't endorse any past or current totalitarian regimes]

Are you really gonna take it like that
Riding on the missile with the cowboy hat?

Oh, well the world is gonna end
So dance around the fire that we once believed in!
Oh, wanna tear it down again now,
'Cause there's nothing left for us to be
Give it up, the sons of anarchy
So come around and have another round on me!

DANCE, F***ER, DANCE, LET THE MOTHERF***ER BURN!


- The Offspring, "Slim Pickens Does the Right Thing and Rides the Bomb to Hell"

Will now accept writing commissions! See here for price rates and other information.

User avatar
Gulliver63
Sub-sector Control Officer's Assistant
Sub-sector Control Officer's Assistant
 
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Location: Indianapolis

Re: Treatment "Neverknowne"

Postby Gulliver63 » Fri Jan 18, 2013 10:42 am

And the other part I wrote about the army is oh so true - if it looks good on paper, it looks good.
"We are today's creatures, locked in tomorrow's double feature..."
David Bowie


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