The Simpsons & Futurama Fanworks Central ][ Forums

 The Simpsons & Futurama Fanworks Central ][ Forums
Chat Users Online
Topic: My Little Pony the Abridged Series (Chris)
Users: @SuzyQ
irc.simpworks.com
 
Home Forum Search Chat Media Center Login Register
Help | Recent Unread Topics
*
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.
Did you miss your activation email? 		March 16, 2010, 01:03:00 am


Login with username, password and session length


The Simpsons & Futurama Fanworks Central ][ Forums > Discussions > Venture Brothers > FIC: Older, Wiser (6/6) (Complete) (PG-13)
Pages: 1 [2]
« previous next »
  Print  
Author Topic: FIC: Older, Wiser (6/6) (Complete) (PG-13)  (Read 1143 times)
Lisabella
Senior Technical Supervisor
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 809


Whale-kissing, Dukakis-hugging moon maiden
« Reply #15 on: September 02, 2007, 10:29:35 am »
*bows to both Aoife and Chris*

Thank you both for the compliments - and aoife, I'll consider throwing in your suggestion Smiley
Logged
Now known as Lisabella! (Or Missy.  Missy's good.)

Creator of the Waving Universe

Crack!Fic, The Marge Simpson Way: "Just then, Sir Lancelot rode up on a white horse and saved Joan of Arc.  They got married and lived in a spaceship.  The end." - Tales from the Public Domain, "Hot Child In The City"
aoifestorm
City Faerie Girlie
Sub-sector Control Officer
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 1676
« Reply #16 on: September 02, 2007, 17:02:34 pm »
That would make me so happy, Missay.  Cheesy  It really would.
Logged
Homer eats a little too much Chile to strong pepper and is found with hullicinations amongst other things it speaks with a dog.
Lisabella
Senior Technical Supervisor
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 809


Whale-kissing, Dukakis-hugging moon maiden
« Reply #17 on: December 21, 2007, 03:55:39 am »
Part the third!
* OlderWiser3.rtf
(82.61 KB - downloaded 97 times.)
Logged
Now known as Lisabella! (Or Missy.  Missy's good.)

Creator of the Waving Universe

Crack!Fic, The Marge Simpson Way: "Just then, Sir Lancelot rode up on a white horse and saved Joan of Arc.  They got married and lived in a spaceship.  The end." - Tales from the Public Domain, "Hot Child In The City"
Wilde Gray Yonder
Swedish Meatball
Bootlick
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 6605


Leader of men. Leader of HENCHmen.
« Reply #18 on: December 21, 2007, 21:38:14 pm »
Bliss! Another chapter, just in time for Christmas.

This is, in general, very good indeed. All I can do is make some more specific points.

Quote
For once a single glare had cut down an aggressor.
Excellent.

Typo: "lightening" should be "lightning". The flashback scene is great, though. Molotov is very seductive.

Quote
and she leaned in and with a quick swipe of her tongue and swallowed a bead of sweat from his upper lip.
Great scene, but that last "and" really shouldn't be there. (I'll leave it to you as to whether you can "swallow" something with your tongue.)

I love the characterisation of Sally Impossible, and your use of the word "depowered".

It's "Papillon", not "Papillion".

The description of Dean's journey is good and scary. It might need a bit more detail, though. Generally, you keep a very good pace here, keeping a good slim narrative, but some more detail to make it feel longer wouldn't hurt.

Her name is "Myra".

Quote
At that point, her cell phone rang.  She answered it for the distraction.
Another beautiful line.

It's "Orpheus", not "Orpheous".

Quote
“Dad!  Is The Alchemist retired to the Bahamas a year ago and Jefferson Twilight is in a diabetic coma!
That "is" doesn't look like it should be there. (I like the future of the Triad members, though.)

Quote
a dark shadow crossed Byron’s face.
"dark" probably isn't needed here. Most shadows are.

Well... what can I say without gushing? Your writing is as jealousy-inducing as ever, suspense is tight, and there are some nice bits of humour to lighten the mood. It's definitely grabbed me now.
Logged
We lived happily forever, so the story goes,
But somehow we missed out on that pot of gold.
But we'll try best that we can
To carry on.

- Styx, Come Sail Away
aoifestorm
City Faerie Girlie
Sub-sector Control Officer
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 1676
« Reply #19 on: December 22, 2007, 18:00:42 pm »
What happens next, what happens next? I really liked the dinner scene...poor Triana. Sad

Mol and her toilet paper! Cheesy  For someone who goes on spy missions in places like Monte Carlo, you'd think she'd be ok.  But, that's how Jackson and Doc made her.
Meowwwwww on that licking sweat off of Doc's upper lip, during the flashback.

Write some more Missayyyyyyyy!
Logged
Homer eats a little too much Chile to strong pepper and is found with hullicinations amongst other things it speaks with a dog.
Wilde Gray Yonder
Swedish Meatball
Bootlick
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 6605


Leader of men. Leader of HENCHmen.
« Reply #20 on: December 22, 2007, 18:16:03 pm »
The toilet paper joke is a reference to high quality consumer goods being hard to acquire legally in Russia. I suspect Mol sells it on the black market, or possibly stocks it up for her old parents... unless she killed them or something... hmm...

EDIT: IGNORE ME!!
« Last Edit: December 23, 2007, 19:22:17 pm by A Spy in Mancunia » Logged
We lived happily forever, so the story goes,
But somehow we missed out on that pot of gold.
But we'll try best that we can
To carry on.

- Styx, Come Sail Away
aoifestorm
City Faerie Girlie
Sub-sector Control Officer
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 1676
« Reply #21 on: December 23, 2007, 16:19:15 pm »
Yeah, it's definiitely a Soviet-era thing, same with the American jeans....
I just loved that Missay still has Mol wanting toilet paper. Cheesy
Logged
Homer eats a little too much Chile to strong pepper and is found with hullicinations amongst other things it speaks with a dog.
Lisabella
Senior Technical Supervisor
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 809


Whale-kissing, Dukakis-hugging moon maiden
« Reply #22 on: February 20, 2008, 22:30:39 pm »
Thanks, Chris!  Nothing much to add to your suggestions - I'll fix up and post the final draft soon!
Logged
Now known as Lisabella! (Or Missy.  Missy's good.)

Creator of the Waving Universe

Crack!Fic, The Marge Simpson Way: "Just then, Sir Lancelot rode up on a white horse and saved Joan of Arc.  They got married and lived in a spaceship.  The end." - Tales from the Public Domain, "Hot Child In The City"
Lisabella
Senior Technical Supervisor
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 809


Whale-kissing, Dukakis-hugging moon maiden
« Reply #23 on: June 12, 2008, 09:19:34 am »
Just a quick note to say this fic is updating over at venture-industries.com as well (perhaps exclusively, depending on what happens with this sub-board) Smiley
Logged
Now known as Lisabella! (Or Missy.  Missy's good.)

Creator of the Waving Universe

Crack!Fic, The Marge Simpson Way: "Just then, Sir Lancelot rode up on a white horse and saved Joan of Arc.  They got married and lived in a spaceship.  The end." - Tales from the Public Domain, "Hot Child In The City"
Lisabella
Senior Technical Supervisor
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 809


Whale-kissing, Dukakis-hugging moon maiden
« Reply #24 on: November 13, 2009, 18:29:19 pm »
Posting up the final chapter here for the enjoyment of certain folks 'cause I'm getting an error at the VI board.  Hope it was enjoyed!
* OlderWiser6.rtf
(38.96 KB - downloaded 62 times.)
Logged
Now known as Lisabella! (Or Missy.  Missy's good.)

Creator of the Waving Universe

Crack!Fic, The Marge Simpson Way: "Just then, Sir Lancelot rode up on a white horse and saved Joan of Arc.  They got married and lived in a spaceship.  The end." - Tales from the Public Domain, "Hot Child In The City"
Wilde Gray Yonder
Swedish Meatball
Bootlick
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 6605


Leader of men. Leader of HENCHmen.
« Reply #25 on: November 13, 2009, 22:51:57 pm »
I reviewed the last chapter here.

I won't repeat my review, but suffice it to say I found this story exciting, well-written and in keeping with the show, with great characterisation abounding. Congratulations on finishing such a good work!
Logged
We lived happily forever, so the story goes,
But somehow we missed out on that pot of gold.
But we'll try best that we can
To carry on.

- Styx, Come Sail Away
Lisabella
Senior Technical Supervisor
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 809


Whale-kissing, Dukakis-hugging moon maiden
« Reply #26 on: November 15, 2009, 22:34:15 pm »
Thanks so much, Chris, will respond on VI!
Logged
Now known as Lisabella! (Or Missy.  Missy's good.)

Creator of the Waving Universe

Crack!Fic, The Marge Simpson Way: "Just then, Sir Lancelot rode up on a white horse and saved Joan of Arc.  They got married and lived in a spaceship.  The end." - Tales from the Public Domain, "Hot Child In The City"
Pages: 1 [2]
  Print  
« previous next »
 
Jump to:  

Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.8 | SMF © 2006-2008, Simple Machines LLC

Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS! Dilber MC Theme by HarzeM


Google visited last this page March 15, 2010, 19:20:08 pm