[work in progress] Parallel Lives

Topic: From Prussia With Love

Users: @Alexander @Graham @SuzyQ

irc.simpworks.com

[Archonix]

So it's not finished (still!) but it's getting so big and taking so long that I need a little more ego massage feedback to be sure I'm not getting too long in the plot. Naturally spoilers abound, there are spots marked where I'll be adding more into the story, but there are also a few places where Im' going to try and edit down.

I figure I'll have between 30 and 40 pages to add to this before it's done. It's my longest fic to date...

[edit]Added a few more pages and uploaded again.[/edit]

[Officer 1BDI]

Ooh, an upd....

*glances sadly at the schedule of of finals and essays that somehow fell into the same week*

I won't be able to read this until at least Friday, unfortunately. :/  But I am looking forward to it!

[Archonix]

Real life always comes first.

[A Spy in Mancunia]

A bit of a sketchy opinion, since I don't really have much to nitpick on (except possibly

Spoiler (hover to show)

the scene between Yancy and Neena in his apartment could be a bit longer.

The plot continues *great*, there are many funny jokes, and I love some descriptions, like of the tube travel. I really feel for the characters, particularly, I think, Yancy.

Spoiler (hover to show)

That bit where he looks at the suicide booth is excellently non-melodramatic.

Neena's getting more character as well. She's very close to Leela, but not identical. I love the whole bit where she finds out about her origins.

All the threads are coming together. Just keep it up; this is at least as good as any of your stories so far.

[Lisabella]

This is still so great, Graham - have I ever mentioned how original it feels?  It just feels so different from other Frama sci-fi pieces in that its ground is so solidly within the characters' personalities.

[Officer 1BDI]

This took me long enough.  Sorry.

Excellent as usual.  Some grammatical/spelling nitpicks (spoilered to save space):

Spoiler (hover to show)

an action that seemed oddly familiar to fry for some reason

Fry should be capitalized.

Fry leaned against the wall while Yancy locked up, soaking up the afternoon sun.

I think you meant "looked."

Weird ow little familiarities like that

"Ow" should be "how."

Fry said, backing away another step.  behind him

"Behind" should be capitalized.

She could seen Neena frowning

"Seen" should be "see."

Leela felt oddly hemmed in, with Vek one one side

"One should be "on."

Wwho hadn’t even tried to find her parents

"Wwho" should be "who."

lost amongst the chatter once again, With a noticeable exception

"With" shouldn't be capitalized.

tracing it's path until it was lost in the city

"It's" doesn't need an apostrophe.

she suddenly had no idea why. and all she wanted to do was lie down

"And" should be capitalized.

Eventually she just closed her eye and leaned her head against the dor frame

"Dor" should be "door."

She turned to face him, on her knees if there wasn’t enough already.

That sentence seemed awkward to me; I think you might have meant "that" instead of "there," but I'm not sure....

Perhaps it was just the thought of having to share an apartments with his brother now.

"Apartments" should be... um.. deplural-ized?

He grinned over his shoulder as he carefully put the painting back in it's place.

"It's" shouldn't have an apostrophe.

I agree with Chris that the apartment scene should be a little longer, but I think another scene that could be added to is the park/reflecting pool scene.  Rereading the scene, I'm not really sure what I'm hoping you'll add, but something about Neena's reaction to the revelation seems lacking, possibly because much of the time when she's just sitting there mulling the news over, the focus is largely on Yancy.  But that would make sense, since the scene's being written from his perspective.... Gah, I don't know.  Even if I thought the park scene was short, the apartment scene covered the bases I wanted to see covered. 

Spoiler (hover to show)

I thought Neena needing to be with him to affirm that she was still something that could be wanted, despite her self-perceived faults, was really powerful... and applicable to Leela as well.  Leela's motives for jumping from [usually horrible] guy to [usually horrible] guy in the series have been debated to death in the fandom, but I think a majority of the debaters have come to conclude she does it, at least in part, for the very reason you framed here (and even before she found out her true origins).  Seeing Neena fall into the same trap isn't surprising; though it's depressing to think that most of the Leelas in these universe are struggling through the mindset that her self worth is only as high as others perceive it to be.

And speaking of that mindset: Vek.  Ok, NOW I want someone to punch him in the face. That "easy" line... augh, I was ready to throttle him myself if I had the means.  Leela's "rejection" was pretty satisfying.  That said, I was pretty pissed off at Leela by the end of this, too.  Drunk or not, using Vek to play emotional tug-o-war with Fry was just low and stupid.

Incidentally, that flying contest is going to be really interesting.  I don't think all of the detox pills in NNY are going to snap Leela out of the hangover stupor she's set herself up for....

Fry and Amy... I was not expecting that, but gawd, that made my inner shipper happy.  At least until I read your author notes and was reminded of how the chapter has to end.

“Actually we never really did anything outside of work and those times in your car.”

I don't think that's entirely accurate.  I could have sworn Fry mentioned in that episode that he and Amy went home after they were towed off Mercury (though he might have been referring to his apartment), and even if that never happened, he still should have seen her apartment when his head was attached to her body.

"You got a robe I can borrow?”
“Sure, there’s a dozen or so in the bathroom, you should find one in your size.”

...Well, at least she's well-prepared.

Other little things I loved: "And mom wouldn’t have kissed me like that."; "We could go for a drink." "No."; "What about Amy?" *insert copious laughter here*; Neena opening the door and finding Vek there; "It was the sort of feeling she’d had when the ships engines cut out unexpectedly while landing." (loved that description)... Actually, there're too many to name.

[Archonix]

The apartment/park scenes were written quite late at night and I agree, they feel a bit awkward now. I'm going to re-write them a little to see if I can smooth that out.

Spoiler (hover to show)

That said, I was pretty pissed off at Leela by the end of this, too.  Drunk or not, using Vek to play emotional tug-o-war with Fry was just low and stupid.

I was a little worried about that, mostly about whether it's out of character. I'm edging very close to a Leela-bashing fest with this plot at the moment which I don't really want to do - it's not my intention anyway, and yet it seems to be the way the plot wants to go. Suffice to say, since you pointed it out, I'm going to have Leela eventually figure out that she's more than just an Eye.

At least until I read your author notes and was reminded of how the chapter has to end.

Yeah, it's got to me a bit, too and I wrote it that way. I should stop making myself sad.

[Archonix]

Had a go at re-writing the apartment scene a little. Ignore the big spelling mistakes, I'll catch those.

Spoiler (hover to show)

The journey across town had been fairly peaceful. Of course it was hard to carry on conversation in the tube, what with one side always having to talk to the other’s feet but, even so, Yancy had to admit the tubes at night were surprisingly pleasant. There was none of the crowded claustrophobia brought on by knowing there were thousands of other people behind and ahead of him, no nagging fear of the possibility of getting stuck in a blockage. All that left was the possibility of the tube breaking, but it didn’t seem likely on a night like this.
Yancy looked over his shoulder yet again to reassure himself Neena was still behind him. For propriety’s sake he’d gone first in the tube. It had been one of those ‘trust’ moments; the constant worry of whether she was still behind him had kept dragging Yancy’s head around to look, so that by the end of the journey he had a slight crick in his neck. She’d been there, though. Every time.
They emerged about half a block from the Robot Arms apartments and carried the rest of the way on foot. Arm in arm. He couldn’t quite believe it, or shake the feeling that he was betraying his past somehow in the process.
“It’s the strangest thing,” Neena said as the entered the building. “I read it, I understood it, but I never really thought about the fact that you live in a robot’s closet.”
“One of those things, I guess,” Yancy replied.
“I hear they’re pretty roomy.”
Yancy nodded, somehow realising Neena was talking to keep from thinking about herself. “You wouldn’t believe how big.”
They were silent in the elevator. Neena stared at little gap at the base of the doors, narrowing her eye slightly in time to the passing light of each level until they reached Yancy’s floor. Outside the door, Yancy paused and shuffled his feet.
“It’s a bit of a mess.”
“I doubt I’ll notice.”
“Right...” He waved his hand across the lock pad. The door responded with a quiet chirrup and slid open. “Oh yeah. Bender. You’ll have to sort of sneak past him a little.”
“hrr... kill all... humans...” the robot muttered, twisting his head to one side as Neena edged past him.
“That’s one way to stop burglars,” Neena mused as she passed through to the interior. She stopped and stared at the panoramic window. The moon was sinking behind the skyline, silhouetting a few of the taller buildings and casting bright pin-pricks of light through their darkened windows. “Oh. It’s beautiful...”
She turned away from the view as Yancy approached her. There was a tear peeking from the corner of her eye. She quickly rubbed the moisture away and smiled a melancholy smile. “I would kill for a view like that.”
Yancy shrugged, at a loss for words. “It’s just a window.”
“It’s still beautiful.”
She gently touched Yancy’s elbow and smiled again. Yancy shivered, losing focus for a moment. He abruptly turned away and shuffled a few steps toward the kitchen. “You want a drink of something? Coffee? I managed to find a place that sells twenty-second century-style beans. Not quite my own time...”
“Yancy...”
“... but I, it makes me feel more at home...” he turned back to look at Neena, that odd cramp tugging at his gut again. It seemed a little weaker this time. “What?”
“I’ve tried to be subtle.”
“Oh.” A strange tingle worked through his chest and settled in his stomach, displacing the cramp when he realised what Neena meant. For something to do, Yancy took off his coat and tossed it onto the couch. He carefully approached the shelf holding his most precious memories, what few he’d actually been able to find or salvage, and laid a hand on the little box holding the most precious of them. “I’m sorry, Neena. I told you. I can’t.”
“If it’s about your past... Yancy, you have to let go some time.”
“No. Well yes, there’s that,” he said, picking up the box and flipping it open. The ring glittered at him like a tiny star in a black-velvet sky. Yancy snapped the box shut again and held it in his closed fist. He turned to look Neena squarely in the face. “But that’s not it. It’s not right.”
“Not right?”
“You’ve had a terrible shock, you’re not thinking straight. I’d be taking advantage of you.”
“No you wouldn’t, I want this! Don’t you understand? I need... I need you, Yancy! I need to know I’m still... that I’m not a freak, that I’m normal!”
“Does it matter?”
“It matters to me, Yancy.”
“But nothing is normal here, what difference does it make if you’re a-”
“Don’t say it!”
“A mutant,” Yancy finished. Neena turned away to put her head in her hands. She sniffled and then let out a quiet sob. Yancy gently guided her to the couch and sat down next to her, resting her head on his shoulder and quickly finding out just how much water she could squeeze out of her eye. He slipped an arm around Neena’s shoulder, remembering how it had always comforted Laura when he did that.
After a few minutes Neena’s weeping faded to a muted whimper. She sat up, blinking back tears. She snuffled and wiped at her face with bare hands in a vain attempt to make herself a little more presentable. “I’m sorry, you shouldn’t have to see me like this.”
“Probably would have eventually,” Yancy replied, but Neena wasn’t listening. She turned a little to look at the sky.
“All my life I’ve believed I was something special, inside. That I belonged out there somewhere,” she said, pointing at the stars, slowly fading as the sky brightened toward dawn. “To find out I’m almost literally mud...” She seemed to fold in on herself, staring at the carpet. “There was always the dream I’d find another member of my species, that they’d take me away from all this and I’d be something worth looking at instead of this freaky, bug-eyed alien everyone sees me as,” she said, glancing up at Yancy. “I’ve been alone all my life. It didn’t matter how close I got to people, I was always alone inside because I always knew I was unique. You people don’t realise what it means to be so completely isolated that way.”
“You aren’t the only one who’s alone here,” Yancy said, twisting the box around in his hand. Neena turned to look at him “Remember how you talked me away from that suicide booth?”
“I remember you said afterwards you weren’t really going to use it,” Neena replied. “So it wasn’t really much of an achievement.”
“That was the story I wanted to believe afterwards, but... if you hadn’t been there I’d have walked straight in. You saved my life.”
“And now I guess you’ve just saved mine,” Neena said. A tear squeezed out of her eye as she closed it. “In a manner of speaking. At least now I know where I belong.”
“That’s what friends are for.”
“Now you know you didn’t call me a friend before today, Yancy.” She grinned at him now, though he eye was still watery. “I know you hated the sight of me. Face it, when you thought I was an alien you were just...”
Yancy smiled just a little and rubbed Neena’s shoulder. She sniffled and chewed her lip. “I won’t say I didn’t find you attractive. I... aliens just scare me, really, and I had other things on my mind as well most of the time. But if you’re a mutant, then you’re just an odd looking human. You’re not going to try and dissolve me with your blood, or use me as a cocoon or something. I know it’s, I don’t know, speciesist or xenophobic but, it’s just how I am.”
“I’ve been such a fool.”
“No...” Yancy couldn’t think of anything else to say. Instead he sat back, loosening his grip on the little box he was still holding. The box flopped onto the couch between them, where it caught Neena’s attention. She picked the box up and snapped it open.
“Oh my,” she said, her eye widening in shock. “Is this the ring? She must have been worth a lot to you.”
“Yeah. She was.” Yancy gently took the ring back and held it up to the light. “Phil said we had a kid in his universe. First man on Mars... but apart from that I didn’t amount to too much. I was just there. Then I was gone.”
“That must have been disappointing.”
“Kind of. In a way it’s a relief, knowing my life here isn’t any worse than it would have been back then.” He snapped the box shut and put it in his pocket. “If I’d stayed, I wouldn’t have had it any better. And I wouldn’t have met you.”
“The mutant freak.”
“You’re still you. That hasn’t changed.”
“What if people find out? I’ve seen memos about how mutants are supposed to be treated if they’re caught unlicensed on the surface. I’ll be outcast, I’ll lose my job, my friends...”
“They won’t find out, and if they did... I... I’d try and do something.”
Neena turned away, nodding slowly. She suddenly leaned back and yawned, reminding Yancy how tired he was after the long night.
“I’ll tell you one thing,” he said, rubbing his eyes. “I am never going to get up in the morning...”
“Tell me about it, I might just call in sick tomorrow,” Neena said, her tiredness overriding any other concern. She looked around the closet-cum-apartment with a leery eye. “Is there somewhere I can sleep?”
“Take my room, it’s clean enough. I’ve no idea if Phil will be back tonight so I guess I’ll be all right on the couch,” he said, noticing how bright the sky was. “Or this morning, I guess. Maybe I’ll call in sick as well.”
“Everyone will think we were at it all night.” Neena had a wry smile on her face. “Ironic.”
Yancy shrugged. He stood to help Neena to her feet before walking her to his bedroom. “I have a bunch of old t-shirts if you need something to wear.”
Neena nodded on the threshold. She seemed torn between needing sleep and repeating her offer. Eventually she just closed her eye and leaned her head against the door frame. “Thanks. For everything.”
The door closed with a quiet click. Yancy turned away to face the empty living room and its oh-so-comfortable couch, and quickly realised he hadn’t changed out of his evening-wear. He sighed and the injustice of it all and sat down to stare out of the window.
Yancy pulled out the little black box with his ring in it and stared at it. He opened up the box again, turning it this way and that to make the jewel sparkle in the dim light. There were moments when he barely even thought about the ring these days, when he could almost forget. Maybe.
He turned to peer at the door to his room, wondering if perhaps he’d made the wrong decision. No. he’d been right. But... she was right, too. He’d have to give it up soon or he’d lose himself in it.
He must have dozed off at some point because suddenly the sun was rising, and the answer machine was beeping merrily to itself in the corner. Yancy sat up and tried to stretch the knots out of his back, with little success – if this was going to be a regular thing he’d have to get a spare bed, he thought as he slouched over to the machine.
There was only one message. One more than normal. He pressed the ‘play’ button and looked up to the screen. It was blank. No, more like in shadow, with a very familiar silhouette.
“Hello Fry, it’s Leela. Don’t bother picking up if you’re there because it won’t make any difference. It’s over. I’m leaving as soon as I can and I won’t be taking you with me. I’d say it’s been fun but that’d be a lie. So long.”
The screen blanked out and faded to a slowly shifting panorama of green fields and hills. Yancy stared at the empty screen. Something prodded at the back of his mind, a little discomfort, but he couldn’t put his finger on it. Perhaps it was just the thought of having to share an apartments with his brother now. He turned away to find himself breakfast.

[Officer 1BDI]

I finally had a moment to sit down and read the new apartment scene thoroughly.  I much prefer it over the original version.

Spoiler (hover to show)

They were silent in the elevator. Neena stared at little gap at the base of the doors

I think there should be a "the" between "at" and "little gap".

"You’ve had a terrible shock, you’re not thinking straight."

Maybe I'm not giving Yancy enough credit, but "terrible shock" doesn't sound like the kind of wording he'd use.  It's too... sophisticated, for lack of a better word.  I almost want to cut it out entirely and have the sentence jump straight to "you're not thinking straight."

“You aren’t the only one who’s alone here,” Yancy said, twisting the box around in his hand. Neena turned to look at him “Remember how you talked me away from that suicide booth?”
“I remember you said afterwards you weren’t really going to use it,” Neena replied. “So it wasn’t really much of an achievement.”
“That was the story I wanted to believe afterwards, but... if you hadn’t been there I’d have walked straight in. You saved my life.”

I miraculously missed this somehow during the first couple of skim-throughs, and when I finally caught it my stomach dropped a bit.  There's foreshadowing all over the episode but when it's finally established out of nowhere like this it has a much harder impact, and it works so well.  My only critique is that this was said earlier:

They’d been around him ever since he’d arrived, taunting him with their presence. The easy escape. He’d never quite had the guts for it.

which kind of contradicts what he's telling Neena.

ETA: I just caught something else.  In the very end of your story, you say that Yancy's been in the future for six or seven years, but in the chapter segment you uploaded to the other forums earlier today, Fry thinks:

His brother was overbearing, rude and opinionated but having him there made Fry feel at home, really at home, for the first time in nearly five years.

Although I guess you could argue that the two universes are at slightly different points in the timeline (maybe Universe "Default" was created a few years later than Universe "Where I Belong").

[Archonix]

I finally had a moment to sit down and read the new apartment scene thoroughly.  I much prefer it over the original version.

Good! I'm a lot more satisfied with it now, thanks to you.

which kind of contradicts what he's telling Neena.

Fixed. That was a very subtle contradiction, I'd completely missed it. It's hard to spot them sometimes.

ETA: I just caught something else.  In the very end of your story, you say that Yancy's been in the future for six or seven years, but in the chapter segment you uploaded to the other forums earlier today, Fry thinks:

His brother was overbearing, rude and opinionated but having him there made Fry feel at home, really at home, for the first time in nearly five years.

Although I guess you could argue that the two universes are at slightly different points in the timeline (maybe Universe "Default" was created a few years later than Universe "Where I Belong").

Oh, I checked, you're right. I've been working in a very rough timeframe but I figure it's best to standardise on something and say this is taking place at around the date I mentioned in that last part. Mid 3007, lets say. That puts it before the events of BBS, letting me safely ignore the whole thing. I've gone and corrected the posted versions.

[Archonix]

More clattered out shtuff. If I've missed typos mentioned previously it's because I'm either lazy or haven't got around to fixing them again in the old copy I had to use. Don't worry, I'll get to them eventually...

[A Spy in Mancunia]

Comments, taking up from where I left off:

The scene after Leela wakes up with a hangover is excellently painful and embarrassing. Many good expressions here.

Spoiler (hover to show)

Nice little bit with Leela thinking she hears Neena's voice. I particularly like the bit "it sounded like her own, like Neena".

You obviously didn’t”

Missing some punctuation here.

Spoiler (hover to show)

I met a version of us that had gone completely psycho after finding her parents.”

Nice bit of foreshadowing again!

I like Leela's reason for not going with Neena to the sewers.

Neena's story of how she met Veklerov is excellent, though it feels a bit dialogue-heavy at the start. That might not need changing, though. Quite some funny lines here (greensnake!). Some nice descriptions of the ship.

Typo: "complaint" (in Hermes' dialogue when Neena is visiting Planet Express) should be "compliant".

"Number motivator coil" seems to need, well, a number, or am I way out?

She stared up at the scarlet hull, staring at her face reflected on its surface,

Very minor nitpick, but two "stare"s in the same sentence feels a bit much.

You've done a good job with Veklerov. He has funny lines and generally feels likeable (if I didn't know from the previous scenes what a cad he is).

“Beats staring people to death, eyeball.”

Bender's hilarious, too!

The sanitised interrogation, peeking deep into people’s private lives without much of a care for how they felt about it.

I love this sentence.

“Are you absolutely sure about that, Amy?” Vek folded his arms and tilted his head toward the door a little. It was so obvious that Leela almost thought she’d imagined it and had to stifle a quiet laugh.

Another lovely bit.

Typo: "drpping" should be "dropping".

Typo:

Neena jumped up fro the bed

Well, this is very good, as usual. Everyone's in character (I haven't mentioned Amy yet, but she's very good), and there's a good reason for Neena's fling with Veklerov. Just keep it coming.

[Officer 1BDI]

I just have a few more typos/nitpicks and general comments to add:

“I really can’t believe you’d do it,” Amy said as she flopped over to the side of the bed.

Amy's sentence seems off to me, almost like it's incomplete.  It took me a few moments to realize she was referring to Fry's decision to stay because I couldn't immediately recall what "it" was.  It might have just been my brain taking unusually long to play catch-up, though.

“At least now I know you were somewhere safe and not in some back alley having your organs removed.”

Nice callback to "My Three Suns."

The entire videophone scene was, for lack of more articulate phrasing, made of win.  You can't have it both ways, Philip. :p

She turned and pulled a towel and a some clothes from the many neatly bundled sets in the wardrobe.

There shouldn't be an "a" between "and" and "some clothes".

“You have a bender on your crew? What use is that?”
“I bend food into interesting shapes,” Bender replied.

That made me laugh aloud.  I'm surprised they haven't used an excuse like this on the show, actually.

The ship began to accelerate, well above the speed limit Vek had been cursing before.

I think "cursing" should be "cruising."

Neena jumped up fro the bed

"fro" should be "from".

I don't have much else to say that Chris hasn't already expanded on.  I love Neena's explanation for getting close to Vek (although I hate him that much more now, even if he didn't really know what he was doing to her *a full night's sleep later* what am I thinking?  He knew exactly what he was doing.  Bastard).

[Lisabella]

Massively wonderful as always, Graham - again I've been beaten to the concrit punch, but my absolute favorite moment's the videophone segment.  I'm jealous of how perfectly written Bender is, BTW!

[Archonix]

Oh stop, my ego can't take it!

Thanks for all teh crit guys... well, gals, I guess. It's much appreciated, especially the pointing out of stupid typing mistakes. I'm still stuck on the final segment and I've taken to writing bits of the other episodes until I know what I'm doing. Obviously this means it'll be a while.