Lisa Fitzgerald 2005 - They said it couldn't be done. They were probably right.

Topic: Yuri Note

Users: Alex SuzyQ

irc.simpworks.com

[Dark Mage]

Aww... poor Lisa.  Everything's gone wrong for her.  But everything will get better, yes it will Binky...


Looks like a definite improved start to the first one to me Jen.  We really get a feel for Lisa's life at school, in public and at home (natch).  The Homer/Bart scene is also very good, and the end really plays out well.

I think there's a spelling error though where you've got 'frighted' instead of 'frightened'.


Anyhoo, would say more but I'm tired and would probably just be mindless praise which I can do in chat anyway.   Looking forward to the next parts!

[Wilde Gray Yonder]

This is a milestone, Jenny. You've gone this far, there's no turning back now.

First, some stray remarks on the bit I haven't read yet (Chapter 6 and following):

"had went" should be "had gone". (This turns up later as well.)

The last day of the autumn term feels very true to life. Miss Adams shows some humanity here, which is good. (Obviously not enough.) Her getting angry at Lisa for being such a victim isn't pleasant, but true. I also like Lisa not wanting Mr Bergstrom to see her.

The "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory" ref is pretty great. That whole scene is one of those bright bits that make the darkness of the rest of the story stand out even more.

The entire scene at the mall is too good for me to really find anything to remark on. Lisa's reaction to Mr Bergstrom leaving is well-described without being overwritten and soppy, and the fact that he's obviously going to Springfield Elementary (though that's never stated) is a poignant bit of irony. Oh, and the "Matilda" reference is perfect.

Lisa coming into her room... well, it had me at the edge of my seat. There is this mounting feeling of nastiness which is just what Lisa would feel in this situation, and I'm actually grateful that I'm able to turn away from the screen and find myself outside the story. If that sounds like gushing praise, so be it. It's true.

Jack was slumped in his chair in a bad state.

I'm not sure whether "in a bad state" is necessary, but then it doesn't detract much either.

Nice to see Lisa fighting back against Jack, even though it will do her nothing good...

He grabbed hold of Lisa and threw her onto the floor, where she felt brandy soak through her clothes and a score of tiny pinpricks from her legs up to her belly.

I personally think that this would work better as two sentences: "He grabbed hold of Lisa and threw her onto the floor. She felt brandy soak through her clothes" etc. Not really a problem, just my preferences.

Can't say anything about the last scene either. It's almost physically painful to read, yet the, how shall I put this, preciseness of the little details (like Lisa deciding not to clean up the mess) makes it nearly beautiful. Top-notch writing, it's that simple.

Her feet were like jelly

That's the one problem I have, because it's a bit of a descriptive cliché. Apart from that, the very ending is perfect.

More general summing up:

As you can tell, I am very pleased with this story, so I'm not going to keep embarrassing us both with more gushing praise. All I can say is that this is a definite improvement from the original draft, which certainly wasn't bad. You've gone from the general to the more specific, and made the story more realistic and bearable by adding lighter moments. On that point, Mr Bergstrom is a great addition to the story, and he is very much in character from the show. Putting in some passages centering on the Simpsons family is another great idea, since the main (and one of the very few) problems of the original draft is that the first half of it was only very marginally Simpsons fanfiction.

I wouldn't say that you go into too much detail, either. Nearly all the details add something to the mood, and the story flows next to perfectly, as far as I can tell.

All I can say is, I'm out of words. Good job, Jenny. Very good job. When the second part comes around, I won't be slow in reading it. Kudos.

To everyone else: recommended.

[schiar88]

This story had more detail than the last one.  You're a great author, jenny.  When is the rest of the story coming?  This is one of the best fanfics I've read. 

[Laguna Sky]

i personally loved the story. it did hurt to read it. could you do a personal message me i have a request to make of you. please

[Wilde Gray Yonder]

could you do a personal message me i have a request to make of you. please

If you want to send Jenny a personal message, just click on her name, then click on "Send this member a personal message".

[Laguna Sky]

thanks . i found that out about ten minutes after i wrote that.

[escort]

Sorry, but where is your story? I can't seem to find it!

Hello... this is the introduction to a new version of a fic I wrote a few years ago called Lisa Fitzgerald. Probably most of you here have read it, so I might not have to explain what the story is about, but for those of you who haven't: this is a dramatic AU fic in which Lisa is not the daughter of Marge and Homer, but rather a Shelbyville fireman. It's not a comedy, so anyone looking for a light-hearted romp should probably look elsewhere. Sorry.

I've done this new version because the original was, being pefectly honest, pants. Hopefully I've learnt enough about writing in the past 3 years or so to make sure this version is a bit better. I'll be adding more to this - well, that's the intention.

Enjoy!

[Wilde Gray Yonder]

Here.