"Are You There God? It's Me, Marge"

Topic: Bawk bawk bukawk? buk buk bawk buk bukawk!

Users: @Graham @SuzyQ Alex

irc.simpworks.com

[Homer Alone]

ACT I

CHALKBOARD GAG: "Teachers are not slaves"

COUCH GAG: The family sits on the couch and it eats them. The couch burps their scheletons.


(INT. SPRINGFIELD CHURCH - MORNING)

(Rev. Lovejoy is giving a sermon)

REV. LOVEJOY
So in conclusion, Jesus did in fact resuscitate.

(The crowd gets choched. We hear thing like "Really?!" and "How?!").

REV. LOVEJOY
I know, it's weird. Anyhow, Today we have a special speaker: Marge Simpson. Please try not to judge her just because she's a woman.

(Marge walks to the altar waving and smileing to the crowd, but receves no claps back).

MARGE
Thank you all. I'm here today to tell a story about my family. It’s about faith, hope and--

MAN #1
Boring!

(Marge gets nervous and starts to read some cards).

MARGE
Um... It all started when I receved a call from the kids' school about Bart - my son - stating that he has chicken pox. I knew Bart was lieing because he already had chichen pox.

MAN #2
Somebody please take her out of there!

MAN #3
Church is bad enough as it is!

MARGE
(UNCONFOTABLE) So... I took him to Dr. Hibbert to teach him a leason.

(CUT TO: INT. DR. HIBBERT'S OFFICE)

(Bart has red dots around his face that are clearly painted and is sitting in a stretcher while Marge is standing next to Dr. Hibert; He is more brawny than usual and is holding a syringe)

DR. HIBBERT
This will make you fell a lot better, son.

BART
What do you know!

(Hibbert vaccins Bart)

BART
Son of a--

(Hibbert gets a bottle from his drawer)

DR. HiBBERT
Now all you have to do is take these pills. (WHISPERING TO MARGE) They are maid out of broccoli.

BART
(WHISPERING) He'll see what I'm going to do with his precious pills.

MARGE
I guess we better go now.

BART
Hold on a second. Where is my lollipop?

(Hibbert gives Bart a lollipop)

BART
Let's roll.

(Bart gets out of the room)

MARGE
I'm sorry, he's been seeing a lot of John Travolta movies lately. By the way, there’s something I wanted to ask you. How did you get so...

DR. HIBBERT
Beefy?

MARGE
(ENBERASSED) Yes.

DR. HIBBERT
I started taking some karate lesson after my father died.

MARGE
I didn’t know you had a father.

DR. HIBBERT
Neither did I, (SAD) until last month.

MARGE
Karate hum? That might be a good thing for Homer.

DR. HIBBERT
(CHUCKES)

MARGE
What's so funny?

DR. HIBBERT
Well Marge, it would be a good thing for Homer, but he'll never do it. Especially with all that fat and heart-attacks.

MARGE
Hum...

(CUT TO: INT. SIMPSONS' HOUSE - TV ROOM)

(Homer and Marge are whatching TV).

KENT BROCKMAN
Today the fattest man alive died. At the age of 20.

(Homer starts to laugh out loud).

HOMER
It's funny because it isn't me.

(Homer gets several pork chops from the floor and tries to put it into his mouth all at once).

MARGE
You know Homer, you're getting awfully fat.

HOMER
See, that's where you're wrong. I've always been this fat.

MARGE
I've thinking, why don't you start having some karate lessons?

HOMER
No way. I'm fine just the way I am.

(A buttom from Homer's shirt flies through the room and hits a family portrait, making it falls).

HOMER
That proves nothing!

(Homer starts eating the pork chops again).

MARGE
Please Homer, I’m really worried about you.

(Homer turns his back to Marge).

MARGE (CONT’D)
(ANGRY) Can’t you just do this one little thing for me?

(Homer turns around and see Marge’s angry face).

HOMER
(RELUCTANTLY) All right. I'm going to sign in tomorrow.

MARGE
Don't have to. I already signed you.

HOMER
But how did you know I was going to agree with it?

MARGE
I just knew. That’s all.

(CUT TO: INT. KARATE ACADEMY).

(Homer is wearing a kimono, and is sitting on the tatami. Suddenly the karate instructor goes talk to him).

KARATE INSTRUCTOR
You're new here right?

HOMER
That is correct.

KARATE INSTRUCTOR
So are you ready to be number one?

HOMER
No sir, I'm just because my wife thinks I'm fat, sir!

KARATE INSTRUCTOR
You don't have to call me "sir"

HOMER
Sorry sir.

(The karate instructor sits next to Homer)

KARATE INSTRUCTOR
Look you seem like a decent person—

HOMER
I am not.

KARATE INSTRUCTOR
I won’t lie to you. Most of the men here are doing this to please their wives.

(CUT TO: Kirk Van Houten trying to kick on the air. He falls and we hear a breaking noise)

KIRK VAN HOUTEN
I don’t fell anything!

(CUT BACK TO: Homer and the karate instructor)

KARATE INSTRUCTOR (CONT'D)
But since you're here, why not make the best out of it and train a little?

HOMER
Fine.

(They both get up)

HOMER
Hey, can you teach me how to rip off someone's heart?

KARATE INSTRUCTOR
No, you can only lear that on stage 4.

HOMER
No fair.

(CUT TO: KARATE ACADEMY - A FEW MOMENTS LATER)

(The karate instructor is some inches away from Homer)

KARATE INSTRUCTOR
Now, I want you to come running and hit me with all the strengh you have. And don't be afraid to hurt me.

(Homer goes running to the instructor, but he starts to get tired and falls in front of to him. He gets his arm up and gentaly hits the instructor's leg).

KARATE INSTRUCTOR
Um... I'll give you a "C".

(CUT TO: KARATE ACADEMY - A FEW MOMENTS LATER)

(There's a belt in front of Homer. It is tied to the walls making it stays a few inches above the ground).

KARATE INSTRUCTOR
Homer all you have to do is jump over the belt. Simple as that.

(Homer runs a little and them manages to jump over the belt, but when lands he steps on his own belt and tumbles hitting his head on the floor and biting his toungh)

KARATE INSTRUCTOR
For crying out loud!

(Homer looks sad)

(CUT TO: EXT. SIMPSONS’ HOUSE)

(Homer is about to get inside the house. When he opens the door the first thing he sees is Marge)

MARGE
So, how was your first day?

HOMER
Hum... It was great. You'd not belive the things I did.

MARGE
Yes, I would. Tell me all about it.

HOMER
Sure... But not now I have to... do something.

(Homer starts running upstairs)

MARGE
I’m proud of you.

(Homer keeps runing upstairs, when he gets to the top he stumbles on the carpet and falls on his back).

HOMER
D'oh!

(CUT TO: EXT. SIMPSONS' HOUSE)

(Homer gets into his car headed to work. While he is driving he sees couples having a good; Eating at restaurants; Having picnic, etc).

HOMER
Marge is so proud of me, I can't tell her I suck. I gotta do something about this!

(Homer turns the car around and exit by destroing the power plant gate. Inside the plant Lenny and Carl watched the hole thing throw a window).

LENNY
What is Homer doing?

CARL
Probably going into another wacky adventure.

LENNY
That’s the seventh this month. That’s gotta be a record.

(Carl gets a clipboard)

CARL
According to this, it isn’t.

(CUT TO: Homer he arrives at a house. He rings the bell and the karate instructor answers the door)

KARATE INSTRUCTOR
What the? How do you know where I live?!

HOMER
That's not important. Look I want to be good at karate, so I was wondering if you could maybe give me some private classes.

KARATE INSTRUCTOR
Hell no! You suck more than my son.

(The karate instructor starts to close the door, but Homer blocks it with his head)

HOMER
Maybe President Grant would change your mind.

(Homer gives him 50 bucks)

KARATE INSTRUCTOR
You're crazy if you think I'm going to do it. for less than a Benjamin Franklin.

(Homer gives him another 50 bucks)

KARATE INSTRUCTOR
It's a deal. For the next weeks I'm going to make you train so hard you'll wish you had died and gone straight to hell. Are you ready?

HOMER
No. But I'll do it anyway.

(Montage with the song “Eye of Tiger”. We see Homer trying to do an abdominal but his fat doesn’t allow him; Then he is fighting with Kirk Van Houten. kirk manages to knock him down unconsious, soon some blood starts to come out of his ears; Then Homer is about to start running very long stairs (like the ones from Rockey), but gets tired and sits on the curb; Then Homer we see Homer making tree abdominals very easily, the karate instructor marks on a counter “3”; Then is Homer is fighting Kik Van Hounten again. This time he puncks him making one of his tooths fall. Kirk starts arguing with Homer saying “Why the hell did you do that?”; Then we see Homer getting to the top of the stairs and cheering, but them the karate instructor nudges his shoulder and shows him that there are still many stairs left ).

(CUT TO: INT. KARATE ACADEMY)

(Homer is meditating with the karate instructor looking at him. We see a fly flying around his nose. Suddenly he grabs it)

HOMER
Finally, after 5 hours I did!

KARATE INSTRUCTOR
That means your ready to get a new belt.

HOMER
A new belt?

(Homer jumps and puts his hand up cheering, but he hits his fist on the ceiling)

KARATE INSTRUCTOR
You should be careful when you do that.

(CUT TO: INT. SIMPSONS’ HOUSE – KITCHEN)

(Marge is making food. There is one crab on sink. It looks nervous)

MARGE
Don’t worry, I won’t hurt you.

(Marge gets the crab and it seems more calm. Then she throws it in pan with hot water. It screams. She closes the pan so she won’t hear it)

MARGE
That’s what you get for being naive.

(Homer comes running into the kitchen)

HOMER
Hey Marge, guess what – Um... What’s that wonderful smell?

MARGE
Just the crab. What were you going to tell me?

HOMER
Oh, I’m getting a new belt. Can we eat now.

MARGE
That’s great Homie. I knew you could do it.

HOMER
Yeah, there’s even going to be a cerimony. Tomorrow at 10 a.m.

MARGE
Tomorrow at 10 a.m.?!

HOMER
Yeah, why did you repeat what I just said?

MARGE
Homer, tomorrow is Sunday. What about church?

HOMER
There’s no big deal, we can miss one day of church.

MARGE
No, we can't. God wants us to go to church every sunday.

HOMER
Don't talk like if you know what God wants.

MARGE
It's on the bible.

HOMER
Yeah right, like if God wrote the bible.

MARGE
I'm going to the church no matter what.

HOMER
And I'm going to the cerimony no matter what.

MARGE
Fine, I'm sure the kids will go to church with me. Right?

(We see that Bart and Lisa were watching that whole disscusion)

BART & LISA
Um...

MARGE
Right?

LISA
Mom, is not that we don't like church is just that... How can I put this?

BART
We'd rather spend an hour staring at a wall.

LISA
Thanks Bart. Plus I'm Buddhist.

MARGE
I can't belive this. What will be of us without church?

BART
Lisa turned out ok.

MARGE
Well, I don't care about what you think, you two are going to church with me.

HOMER
No.

MARGE
What?!

HOMER
They are my kids too and I say they are going to do what they want. Which in this case is stare at a wall for an hour.

(Bart and Lisa look mad at him)

HOMER (CONT'D)
I mean, whatch me get a new belt.

(Marge looks angry)

END OF ACT I

[Wilde Gray Yonder]

Welcome to this board, Homer Alone! I'm Chris; I'm going to endeavour to give tough but constructive criticism of all your writings. First, a heads-up: it's an easy mistake to make, but the Writing board is for posting completed fics. Stuff still in progress should be posted in Writing Opinions.

Typoes: “scheletons” should be “skeletons”; “choched” should be “shocked”; “Anyhow, Today” shouldn't have “today” capitalised; “smileing” should be “smiling”; “receves” should be “receives”;  “lieing” should be “lying”; “chichen” should be “chicken” (you spelt it right earlier); “unconfotable” should be “uncomfortable”; “leason” should be “lesson”; “He is more brawny” shouldn't have “he” capitalised (you only capitalise names and the first word of the sentence); “make you fell” should be “feel”; “vaccins” should be “vaccinates”; “maid out of” should be “made”; “enberassed” should be “embarrassed”; “whatching” should be “watching”; “I've thinking” is obviously wrong; “buttom” should be “button”; “making it falls” should be “fall”; “and see Marge's” should be “sees”; “I already signed you” should be “signed you in”; “goes talk to him” should be “goes to talk to him”; “I'm just because” is obviously missing a “here”; I assume “I don't fell anything” should be “feel”; “lear” should be “learn”; “strengh” should be “strength”; “in front of to him” shouldn't have the “to”; “gentaly” should be “gently”; “making it stays” should be “stay”; “and them manages” should be “then”; “toungh” should be “tongue”; “belive” should be “believe”; “runing”; “he sees couples having a good” is obviously missing “time” (and you don't need to capitalise the word after a semicolon”; “having picnic” should be “having a picnic”; “Homer turns the car around and exit by destroing” should be “exits” and “destroying”; “the hole thing” should be “whole”; “Kirk” isn't capitalised at one point; “knock him down unconsious” should be “unconscious” (and just saying “knock him unconscious” is enough); “Rockey” should be “Rocky”; “Then Homer we see Homer” is an obvious typo; “tree abdominals” should obviously be “three”; “Then is Homer is fighting; “Kik Van Hounten”; “puncks” should be “punches”; “tooths” should be “teeth”; “but them” should be “then”; “Finally, after 5 hours I did!” should be “I did it!”; “your ready” should be “you're ready”; “there is one crab on sink” should be “the sink”; “in pan” should be “in the pan”; “Can we eat now” needs a question mark; “cerimony” should be “ceremony”; “Sunday” and “Bible” should be capitalised; “on the Bible” should be “in”; “disscussion”; “is not that” should be “it's not that”; “whatch” should be “watch”.

Also, some more general word choice nitpicks: I assume Lovejoy says that Jesus “was resurrected”, not “resuscitated”, unless that's the joke; and it should be “rip someone's heart out”, not “off”. You also should have a comma after the name of the character that is being addressed: for example, “Homer, you need to jump over the belt” rather than “Homer you need to jump over the belt”, and similarly when you say things like “Look, I want you to” etc.. “But not now I have to...” should have a comma after “now”. “You're crazy if you think I'm going to do it. for less than a Benjamin Franklin” shouldn't have that full stop in the middle. The song is called “Eye of the Tiger”.

You also have a case of not all letters in a speech heading being capital (in “DR. HIBBERT” when he gives the pills to Bart).

Seriously, most of these could be fixed just by running through the document with spellcheck. The others could be fixed by re-reading it and checking for errors. If you're not a native English speaker, as I'm guessing, it might be a good idea to get a native speaker to beta-read your stories for you.

Technically, apart from the many typoes and capitalisation problems, this is decent. The script format is good, though you don't need to write things like “we see Homer fight the karate trainer”. Just “Cut to: Homer fighting the karate trainer” will do.

There's not much to say about the plot so far, since there's only the first third of it. The opening felt slow, but after that, I rather warmed to it. I like it being a flashback story; that device hasn't been used a lot since the first seasons. I'm pretty interested in seeing how it'll pan out, too.

Characterisation is good. Marge felt a bit to Season 11-ish-ly goofy in the first scene, but other than that, I quite like her characterisation, with a nice mix between meek and strong-willed. Homer is fairly good as well, showing his sympathetic side when he decides to keep going to the karate class to make Marge happy. There aren't really enough lines from other characters to say much about their characterisation. The trainer is fairly good, though. (Is it Akira, by the way? If so, you might want to use his name.) Bart feels a bit too snide and mean-spirited in the scene at Dr. Hibbert's office, but again, he doesn't have enough lines to judge.

Comedy also felt a bit slow at the outset, but you have quite a few good jokes here. I liked Marge cooking the crab, and a lot of the scenes from Homer's training. The little scene with Lenny and Carl is pretty much gold.

Not really many downsides, other than technical stuff. I don't really like Marge in her shrill religious mode, but that's just because I find it a bit unsympathetic – it's pretty in character for her.

Watch your spelling and grammar, and I'll be happy to read the rest of this fic.