This document is a work of fanfiction created purely for entertainment. No claim of ownership on these characters or concepts is made. "The Simpsons" is the property of Matt Groening and FOX. "Sailor Moon" is the property of Naoko Takeuchi and TOEI. They're both good, like peanut and jelly. All other guest characters and concepts are the property of their respective owners. I don't own anything except the space on my hard drive where this fic resides.
Skip directly to part...
1:MOON | 2:MERCURY | 3:MARS | 4:JUPITER | 5:VENUS
6:SERENITY | 7a:YOUMA | 7b:KEARNEYITE | 8a:ENDYMION | 8b:BERYL
|
THAT STUPID TEXT THAT |
But that was Star Wars. This is something a lot sillier.
EXT: SPACE
There are just some stars in the picture. As the voiceover continues, various views
of the planets and scenes of the places are shown.
VOICEOVER : For the benefit of those wise people who do not know Sailor Moon,
I shall tell you a story. A long time ago, there was a great empire of a thousand
years that lived on the moon. They were called the Silver Millennium and they ruled
the entire solar system, making quite a fuss of it despite the fact that our solar
system is the equivalent of a molecule sized needle in a planet sized haystack.
Regardless, their empire was a powerful one, self-sustaining and stable.
Each planet in the system had a royal family of it's own, and the eldest daughters
of these families were the bodyguards of the princess of the Moon, Princess Serenity.
The Sailor Senshi, as they were known, commanded strong magical powers and were
among the most powerful beings in the solar system, although the Princess and the
Queen outclassed all of them. The Sailor Senshi took their name from the ridiculously
skimpy sailor-like costumes they wore - there is an unwritten rule that the more
important a leader is, the stupider their guards' uniforms are. The Senshi didn't
have it as bad as the Swiss Guard, but they did have to put up with miniskirts.
As it's name implies, the Silver Millennium ruled for over a thousand years... until
a revolt broke out on Earth under Queen Beryl of the Dark Kingdom. Earth did not
have a Senshi, and it's Prince Endymion was on the moon attempting to woo Princess
Serenity, so Earth fell and the revolt quickly spread to the Moon. Prince Endymion
and the Sailor Senshi fought hard to protect Princess Serenity, but to no avail.
Eventually the prince and princess both fell to the Dark Kingdom's attacks, as did
the Senshi. The Dark Kingdom was defeated eventually, but not before it achieved
its goal, the end of the Silver Millennium.
Queen Serenity (not to be confused with her daughter Serenity JR) survived the battle,
and soon discovered the Princess and her friends' dead bodies. The Queen used the
last of her strength to send them all to be reborn in another time, with no memories
of what had happened. But since she had to use the Ginzoushou, or Silver Plot Device,
to achieve this she died shortly afterwards.
Thousands of years later, the Sailor Senshi, Prince Endymion and Princess Serenity
are living happily after being reincarnated... well mostly happily. Endymion's had
a bit of a rough time of it, but that's another story. What's important right now
is that the Dark Kingdom has reappeared, and is having another try at the galaxy
domination thing...
NORTH KILTTOWN PRESENTS
a The Simpsons / Sailor Moon crossover
"PRETTY SOLDIER SIMPSON MOON"
Part 1 : "Lunacy in Springfield! Lisa's bizarre transformation."
by Steven Scott / GKScotty
from an idea by Rich Wilson / Cuteswan
Images drawn by Marco Berzacola unless otherwise noted.
INT: SIMPSONS TV ROOM, DAY
BART and LISA sit on the couch eating their breakfast. The familiar opening music
of an Itchy and Scratchy cartoon is heard.
TV SCREEN
Usual I&S title screen. The title is "Episode 76 : Breadknives don't just cut bread!
Itchy's surprising revelation!"
STREET IN CARTOON TOKYO
ITCHY stands in the street, looking at a map. Camera pans around a few times, looking
at pictures of the sky, the houses, the street, the ground, the birds, the clouds,
the dogs, the walls and the inevitable cherry trees (complete with blossom) This
takes about 3 minutes, while slow, relaxing music plays.
SUDDENLY the background starts flashing red and battle music starts, as SCRATCHY
attempts to hit Itchy with a flying kick. Itchy just ducks and Scratchy lands a
few feet away from him.
Close-up of Scratchy glaring at Itchy, for about 2 seconds.
Close-up of Itchy glaring at Scratchy, for about 2 seconds.
Close-up of Scratchy glaring at Itchy, his eye twitching, for about 4 seconds.
Close-up of Itchy glaring at Stratchy, his eye twitching, for about 4 seconds.
Close-up of Scratchy glaring at Itchy, his face turning red and shaking his fist, for about 8 seconds.
Close-up of Itchy glaring at Stratchy, his face turning red and shaking his fist, for about 8 seconds.
Scratchy snarls, and charges Itchy! Itchy charges Scratchy! Scratchy holds out
a palm! A huge laser beam - about 4 foot wide - shoots at Itchy! Itchy flies out
of the way and starts throwing a million breadknives! The breadknives cut scratchy
into many little bits and embed themselves in his noggin.
A panting Itchy lands on the ground, sighs to himself, (phew!) bows to his ex-opponent
and starts to prepare some celebratory green tea.
SUDDENLY, aliens attack!
THE SIMPSONS TV ROOM
Bart and Lisa are still watching, as various miscellaneous fight SFX come from the
TV. Their eyes are bulging in confusion.
LISA: Uh, Bart... what's happening now?
BART: I'm not sure... I think they're wanting vengeance for the death of
Klu Klux Klam, but they don't know that Klam was only sent to the next dimension
by Itchy in episode 132.
LISA: But the title at the start said it was episode 76!
BART: (shrugs) It's one of those time travel things I think... (SFX: DING!)
Hey, they're done!
Bart gets up from the couch, and runs to the kitchen.
KITCHEN
Bart runs over to the oven, opens it up, and removes a baking tray.
BART: Ah, they're finally done... just in time too.
Lisa appears at the doorway.
LISA (suppressing a smile): Bart... have you been (grin) baking?
BART (defensive): Hey, don't get the wrong idea Lis. You know how it's report
card day today?
LISA: Yes...
BART: Well, I figured, since you always get good grades for cooking the teacher's
some muffins, I could try the same thing and...
LISA: Bart! I get good grades because I work hard in class and study!
BART: So you say, but they could just be humoring you to get more muffins...
(SFX: Bus horn) Lisa glances up at the wall clock.
LISA: Oh no, we're late? We're gonna miss the bus!
Bart and Lisa run for the door, pull on their shoes as fast as possible, and grab their bags, but by the time they're out the door the bus is already pulling away. They stand on the sidewalk for a moment, panting, then turn to each other.
BART/LISA: MOM!
KITCHEN
MARGE is now here, washing the breakfast dishes. BART and LISA run in.
LISA: Mom, we missed the school bus! Can you give us a lift?
MARGE: You did what? Oh, I'd like to honey, but your father had a... little
accident in his car last night.
CLOSEUP OF LENNY
LENNY is hanging upside down, and sleeping. He suddenly wakes.
LENNY: Huh? Where am I?
He looks down, and sees that he's hanging from a tree branch that's caught in his pants. Springfield Gorge stretches out below him, and Homer's car is still burning at the bottom.
SIMPSONS KITCHEN
BART, LISA and MARGE are still in their positions. LENNY's cries for help can be
faintly heard in the background.
MARGE: Homer took my car to get to work today, so I don't have one. You'll
have to walk.
LISA: Walk? Walk! At this rate we'll have to RUN! (she grabs Bart's hand)
C'mon, Bart, we're late already!
Lisa sprints off, dragging Bart with her.
BART: Urk!
LENNY (OS): Helllppp... helllppp...
BART AND LISA RUNNING
Suitable fast-paced music. Bart and Lisa run along, avoiding all sorts of obstacles
and so on. After about 15 seconds, Lisa glances into the car park next to a pre-school
nursery, and sees a group of small boys teasing what looks like a black cat. She
skids to a halt, but Bart continues towards school.
Lisa approaches the boys.
LISA (angry): Hey, you little brats! Leave that cat alone!
She rushes toward the kids, and they scatter. She gets the cat - it's black, and has some band-aids stuck on it's forehead in an X shape. The cat claws at the band aids, trying to get them off.
LISA: Hey, relax kitty... did those bad boys put these band-aids on you? Here, I'll get them off.
She peels off the band-aids. A white crescent moon is under them. As it is shown, the cat's eyes open wide and it looks directly at Lisa. She's startled and drops the cat. It lands on its paws for an instant and then does a backflip about 7 feet up into the air, landing on a car roof. And it stays there, looking closely at Lisa.
LISA (Weirded out): O...kay... well, glad to see you're better now. (starts to turn away, to self) Weird cat. (sudden panic) Oh no! Now I'm even later for school!
Lisa sprints away. The black cat just stays on the car, watching her go.
INT: BIG BLACK SCAREY PLACE (DARK KINGDOM THRONE ROOM), DAY (PROBABLY)
A cheesy, big black scary place. Heavy on the stalactites, stalagmites, and mood
lighting. Kind of like what Mel Stanley would design if she were given a huge cave
and an infinite budget. The silhouettes of hundreds of YOUMA's (cheesy female monsters)
crowd a few dozen feet from the throne. An obviously evil woman (QUEEN BERYL) sits
on said throne, waving her hands vaguely over a crystal ball. She's doing this every
time we see her, how does she not get RSI?
BERYL: We need far more power to awaken our great ruler, Queen Metallica, queen of RAWWWK! Jimboite! Where are you?
JIMBOITE teleports into the room in-between the Queen and the Youma's. He looks just like JIMBO, but in a Dark Kingdom uniform. Still has the green hat and a skull on the front of his uniform. He bows.
JIMBOITE: Yes, Queen Beryl?
BERYL: Have you completed your mission?
JIMBOITE: Yes. Napster is ruined now, and we have a trojan youma in all the
file sharing programs created to take its place. Every byte downloaded grants our
ruler further energy. The humans' lust for free music will be their downfall.
BERYL: Good, but data energy is not a very potent source. We need the real
thing, human life energy. Take a youma to the world of humans and con some stupid
women into giving us theirs!
JIMBOITE: I've already sent Morgue to a human town, and she's getting ready
now.
BERYL: Good. Bring the energy to me.
JIMBOITE: Yes, my queen.
INT: SPRINGFIELD ELEMENTARY HALLWAYS (DAY)
The hallways are empty, except for LISA, who is sneaking down the corridor slowly,
looking around carefully. However, she manages to walk straight into SKINNER.
SKINNER: I never thought I'd see the day - Bart Simpson on time, (To self)
by about 2 seconds, (shouts to Lisa) Lisa Simpson late!
LISA: Principal Skinner! I can explain!
SKINNER: Don't bother. I'm sorry to have to do this Lisa, God knows you don't
deserve it, but rules are rules and I must follow them. (Dramatic echo) 2 minutes
detention.
LISA (falls to knees, scream): NOOOOOOOOO!
SKINNER: No screaming in the halls. 2 and a half minutes detention.
LISA (scream): NOOOOOOOOOO!
SKINNER: Didn't you hear me? 3 minutes detention.
LISA (scream): NOOOOOOOOOOO!
SKINNER (sigh): Just get to class...
MS HOOVER'S SECOND GRADE CLASSROOM
Lisa opens the door, and creeps in. Her usual class is here, along with MS HOOVER.
MS HOOVER: Ah, so glad you could join us Lisa. I wasn't sure whether I should put today down as an absence or a tardy.
She scribbles on a piece of paper, and hands it to Lisa.
|
REPORT CARD : SPRINGFIELD ELEMENTARY SCHOOL |
|||
|
NAME: |
LISA SIMPSON |
CLASS: |
2A |
| Arithmetic Social Studies English History Art P.E. |
1st sem A+ A A+ A A+ D- |
2nd sem A+ A A A+ A C |
3rd sem A+ A+ A+ A A F |
|
Attendance - Present 179 - Absent 0 - Tardy |
|||
Lisa gasps.
MS HOOVER: Sorry, but I'll have to give this year's best attendance prize to... (she checks her attendance log) Ralph.
RALPH gasps, and grins broadly.
RALPH (jubilant): I won, I won! What do I get?
MS HOOVER: This voucher for 10 dollars off anything at the new Springfield
Wal-Mart, and this ham.
She hands Ralph a very large ham on the bone.
RALPH: Hooray for ham!
Lisa sighs and looks dejected.
PLAYGROUNDS
It's recess. LISA sits by a tree with her elbows on her knees, looking sad. JANEY
is standing near her.
JANEY: Cheer up Lisa... it's not the end of the world you know.
LISA: Yeah, I know. And besides, I'm a vegetarian. What would I want with
ham?
JANEY: Exactly. Besides, Ralph really seems to be enjoying it.
Pan to Ralph. He's sitting against a wall with a blank expression on his face,
sucking at the thin end of the ham like it's a lollypop.
MILHOUSE approaches the girls.
MILHOUSE: Huh hey Lisa... how was your report card? I got the attendance prize this year! They gave me a Wal-Mart voucher and a packet of lemon and pepper steaks!
Lisa just slides her face down into her knees.
JANEY: Uh, Milhouse... now's not the time.
MILHOUSE (Disappointed): oh...
JANEY (changing the subject): Hey Lisa, did you hear about that Sailor V
character? She was on the World's Wackiest News last night.
LISA: Sailor V? That's a strange name. Who is she?
MILHOUSE: Sailor V is a teenage girl in a mask and a sailor suit who catches
bank robbers and fights monsters and stuff. They think she's originally from Japan,
which explains the costume, but recently she's been seen in a lot of the big American
cities too. She must be on a world tour or something.
LISA: Guys, don't you know better than to trust a news program hosted by
Krusty the Klown?
2nd GRADE CLASSROOM
The whole class is busily working, RALPH is still sucking at his ham. The clock
hits 3 o'clock, and the final bell rings.
HOOVER: Okay, pack up, you can leave any time. Just go already.
JANEY (to Lisa): Tell you what Lisa, to cheer up, why don't we go to that
new Wal-Mart and have a look at the jewel counter there. My mom got a job there
as the resident expert.
LISA: Jewels? Aren't there other, better shops in Springfield for them?
JANEY: Of course, but no other shops are having a huge opening sale right
now!
LISA: Well, I had better head for detention... will you wait for me?
JANEY: I don't know Lisa, 3 minutes is a long time, it's almost 6 commercials.
I don't know if I have that much patience...
DETENTION CLASS
LISA enters, sits at a desk, and opens a textbook. After a moment Bart sits down next to her.
BART: I guess you're here because you were late, huh?
LISA: Yeah... why are you here?
Bart doesn't reply, he just hands her a card...
|
REPORT CARD : SPRINGFIELD ELEMENTARY SCHOOL |
|||
|
NAME: |
BART SIMPSON |
CLASS: |
4B |
| Arithmetic Social Studies English History Art P.E. cookies |
1st sem F D+ D- F F D+ F |
2nd sem D F F+ F D F F |
3rd sem F F D D- D+ D+ Ha! |
|
Attendance - Present 96 - Absent 24 - Tardy
60 |
|||
Lisa just looks at Bart.
BART: I don't know what I did wrong Lis! Maybe I put too much Kiwi Fruit and basil in.
Show the detention clock CLICKing to 3:03. Lisa gets her bags and leaves the detention hall.
EXT: STREET (DAY)
LISA and JANEY walk down the street.
LISA: Really, the perfect attendance thing doesn't bother me that much...
I'm more worried about this terrible P.E mark! How did that happen? I joined the
hockey team.
JANEY: Did you ever go back to practice after that game against your brother?
Lisa just glares at her.
HIGH ANGLE VIEW OF THE CITY
LISA (OS, yelled): D'OH!
A flock of birds takes off after the sound.
BACK TO THE STREET
LISA: I knew I was forgetting something... hey, what's going on over there?
Pan over to show the new Wal Mart. There is a gigantic crowd out the front.
JANEY: Wow, that sale must really be working.
INSIDE WAL MART
There are legions of women crowded around the jewelry counter, and just as many
other people at all the other counters. They're all fussing over the goods and buying
like mad. JANEY'S MOM strides around the store, with a megaphone made of rolled
up cardboard.
J-MOM (shouting): EVERYONE, PLEASE ENJOY YOURSELVES! THIS IS THE BIGGEST OPENING SALE IN THE HISTORY OF WAL-MART, EVERYTHING IS AT LEAST 50% OFF AND SOME BRANDS ARE UP TO 80% OFF!
The background darkens, and EVIL, EVIL CLASSICAL MUSIC starts to play. Janey's Mom glares around.
J-MOM (thinking): Yes, spend you fools...
A brief shot of the REAL JANEY'S MOM, who is bound and gagged in a dark room, then a close-up shot of the jewels. A WEIRD EERIE EVIL LIGHT starts swirling around on them, drawing itself into the center of the jewel. J-Mom must really be a FAKE MOM!
FAKE MOM (VO): Little do you know of our evil plot... these bargains are direct from hell itself! These jewels will steal your energy, and send it to our great queen!
SOME REALLY DARK PLACE
JIMBOITE stands here. He holds out a hand and the energy starts to swirl into a
ball just above his palm.
JIMBOITE: It's too easy... the energy of stupid women who want jewels...
THE DOORS
People are wedged in the doors. Janey and Lisa manage to POP through.
LISA: This is madness! If I know Springfield, this is an hour away from turning
into a riot!
JANEY: I know! I wonder what my mom is thinking... (she sees her, with the
megaphone) Oh! Wow, she's really getting into this! (calls and waves) Mom, hey mom!
FAKE MOM is still laughing to herself a little, and glaring around at the fools. Janey runs over, followed by Lisa.
JANEY: HEY! Mom!
She snaps her fingers in front of FAKE MOM's face until she stops laughing and notices Janey.
FAKE MOM (doesn't know Janey): OH! Dear... you, you're out of school already...
dear?
JANEY: Yeah. I brought Lisa over to have a look at your sale (whisper) like
you asked... (normal) Um, isn't it a bit busy around here?
FAKE MOM: Oh, it's to be expected when a shop this size opens... (she looks
carefully at Lisa) I had a hunch you girls would come over, I've been saving a special
piece for you...
She heads over behind the jewelry counter, and points out a genuine pearl necklace.
FAKE MOM: This is a genuine, high quality pearl necklace. Normally it would
sell for at least $89.99, but since it's a sale and since it's you, Lisa, I could
let it go for maybe... $9.99, including tax.
LISA: What? That's cheap! How can you make money like that?
FAKE MOM: Well, you wouldn't believe the markup we normally have on these
things.
LISA: Hm... I'm not usually the type to buy jewelry... but it is a great
necklace! And it's a great bargain too!
Lisa gets a purse from in her bag, and starts counting out money.
LISA: 5 dollars... 5.75... Hm. (depressed) Sorry, I don't have enough...
I'd better leave it till later...
FAKE MOM (disappointed): Oh... that's a shame. Well, I'll keep it for you.
LISA: Thanks. I'll probably come back for it...
FAKE MOM: Okay! (to self) Koises, foiled again!
Lisa wanders off to have a look around the rest of the shop.
SWEET COUNTER
RALPH stands looking at the sweets, holding his voucher in his hand. He licks his
lips.
RALPH: Oooh, sweets!
He glances away and the gun counter placed right next to the sweets catches his eye. There's a gun with the price tag "SALE : $9.99." Ralph's attention wavers back and forth between the sweets and the gun for a while, before he fixates on the gun. A GENERIC TEEN watches him carefully.
RALPH: Oooh, a gun like Daddy's!
TEEN: Uh, are you over 21?
RALPH: I don't know. But I have a thing Daddy gave me.
Ralph hands the teen a note.
TEEN (reading): This is my son. Refuse him a sale at your own risk! Signed - Police Chief Wiggum. (looks around nervously) Uh, I'll have to ask my manager...
He walks off, leaving Ralph looking at the gun. Lisa sees Ralph looking up at it, sees the voucher in his hand, and gasps.
LISA: Ralph? What are you going to buy?
RALPH (pointing up): That gun's just like Daddy's.
Zoom in to Lisa's forehead.
LISA (thinking): Uh oh... Ralph with a gun, not a good idea... gotta think of something.
Zoom back out. Lisa looks around, and looks at the sweet rack. She grabs a candy bar.
LISA (persuasive): Ralph, I'll buy you a Mars Bar if you give me that voucher...
RALPH: Really? Oh boy!
Lisa buys him the candy, gets the voucher, and Ralph skips off happily. Janey walks up behind Lisa.
JANEY: Lisa, that was cruel.
LISA: Oh come on, do you think it would be a good idea to let him buy a gun?
JANEY: No, but you didn't have to take his money.
LISA: If I hadn't, he would have got one anyway. Besides, it would have been
my prize anyway if I hadn't stopped to help that cat.
JEWELLRY COUNTER
Lisa hands the voucher over to Fake Mom.
FAKE MOM: Thank you Lisa... you don't know how happy you've made me...
Fake mom puts the necklace in a case, and gives it to Lisa. Janey and Lisa start to head for the door.
LISA: Wow, I can't believe I got a real pearl necklace for 10 dollars!
All the other SHOPPERS freeze.
MRS KRABAPPEL: Ten dollars?
MS HOOVER: Ten bucks?
LUANNE VAN HOUTEN: What a deal!
The shop turns into a frenzy as everyone descends onto one counter. Lisa and Janey sprint for the door and eventually end up having to crawl out of the shop. They head outside.
LISA: Janey... your mom's crazy.
JANEY: I think I agree with you, Lisa.
CUT TO:
SPRINGFIELD STREET
LISA is walking down the street by herself now...
LISA: Well, that was a little strange... but it was a great deal. I can't wait to get home and try this on!
She starts to run. As she goes, the BLACK CAT from the parking lot looks at her from around the corner...
CAT (thinking): So this is Lisa Simpson?
INT: SIMPSON HOUSE, GROUND FLOOR HALLWAY (DAY)
The front door opens, and LISA enters.
LISA (shout): MOM! I'm home!
MARGE (Shouts from OS): Okay! Don't go far, dinner will be ready soon!
LISA (shout): Okay!
She runs upstairs.
LISA'S ROOM
Lisa enters and closes the door behind her. She sits at her dresser, removes her
normal fake-pearl necklace, and puts her new one on. It looks slightly different
from the fake one, a bit better. She admires her reflection for a moment.
LISA: Wow, it really is genuine... it's shinier, and heavier than my usual
one... but why do I feel tired all of a sudden?
MARGE (Shout from OS): LISA! Dinner is ready!
LISA: Hm, I had better not wear this to dinner, I don't want to wear it out
or risk Bart breaking it...
She removes the necklace, sets it in its box, and puts her old one on.
LISA: Coming! (to self) Hm, I feel better already.
MEANWHILE, BACK AT THE WAL-MART...
The shoppers are looking a bit more tired...
MRS KRBAPPEL: This is strange... I feel dizzy...
HELEN LOVEJOY: I just want to sleep...
AGNES SKINNER: I want some more... (collapses)
JANEY looks around at everyone passing out.
JANEY: What's going on? Everyone's falling ill. Mom, I think something is wrong!
SUSPENSEFUL SHOT of FAKE MOM
JANEY: Mom?
FAKE MOM turns around. She looks a teensy bit more evil than before. Janey gasps.
SIMPSON DINNER TABLE
The family sit around the table, eating. HOMER looks up at LISA and BART.
HOMER: Okay, I got a phone call from Skinner reminding me that it's Bart's report card day today, so quit stalling boy, hand it over.
Bart groans, and hands the card over.
HOMER: Now lets see... F,F,D,D-,D+,D+... you got a HA in Cookies? Why you
little! If you're going to rely on sucking up, you should at least do it well!
BART: Sorry Dad... I'll follow a recipe next time.
HOMER: You'd better boy. Okay Lisa, lets see yours...
LISA hands it over.
HOMER: Ah, much better. A+,A+,A+,A,A... F? you got an F? How could you get
an F in P.E? Even I got better marks in P.E!
LISA: But Dad... I got A's in every other subject! Bart didn't get anything
better than a D and you only yelled at him on the cookies!
BART: Hey, do you mind? I'm sensitive about my culinary failure!
HOMER: Lisa, haven't I told you often enough that a good P.E. mark is the
easy road to instant popularity? You need to concentrate less on learning stuff
and more on making people like you!
LISA: What? That's... ludicrous! As if there's anything I could do to magically
make everyone like me! I'm no good at sports!
HOMER: Well, you should get good!
LISA: But...
HOMER: No buts. Go to your room, and run on the spot or something!
LISA'S ROOM
Lisa enters, in a bad mood.
LISA: Stupid sports... why do they think I have to be good at everything? I can make friends no problem... I've got my brains, I'm friendly, and I can play music too! (She looks over at the stand with her saxophone) Yeah right, run on the spot... I'll just quietly practice my sax.
She gets the sax, and starts to play.
SFX: A creak, as the window opens a crack. But Lisa doesn't hear. She just sits on her bed playing, and then looks down at the bed. The BLACK CAT is there.
LISA: Hey... how did you get in here? You must be one clever cat to follow
me like this...
CAT (young feminine voice): Thanks. You play really well, by the way.
Lisa just gapes at the cat for a moment, before screaming, and springing over to the other side of the bed. She peeks over the top of the bed at the cat.
LISA (startled): AAAAGH! A talking cat? What the heck?
CAT: Oh! Sorry to scare you. My name is Luna. I've been looking for you for
a very long time, Lisa.
Lisa just hides behind the bed, looking at the cat.
LUNA: Ah... thank you for getting rid of the band aids. Someone put them on me to trick me, I couldn't talk with them covering my crescent moon birthmark. It was pretty cruel, but it did mean I found you, so it wasn't all bad. Anyway, nice to meet you.
Luna walks toward Lisa. Lisa just stares at her.
LISA: Wow... I must be hallucinating! Maybe that sickness I felt earlier
was really something bad!
LUNA: Hey! I'm not a hallucination! I'm a real cat!
LISA: Yeah? Real cats can't talk! I should know, I have one!
LUNA: Well, I'm not an ordinary cat, of course!
LISA: Of course! You're an imaginary one caused by a high temperature or
something!
LUNA: I am not!
LISA: Are too!
LUNA: Am not!
LISA: Are too!
LUNA: Oh, this is ridiculous!
Luna turns away and starts crossing over to the other side of Lisa's bed.
LISA: You think so? You're not the one talking to a cat!
LUNA (stops and turns): Oh... look, just give me a chance, okay? All will
become clear, I promise.
LISA: Well... sorry, but I think I had better get some medicine from my mom.
LUNA: Don't go... wait, I know. You were feeling fine when I met you this
morning, weren't you?
LISA: Yeah... (protesting) but you weren't doing anything unusual then!
LUNA (sarcastic): You think cats doing 7 foot backflips onto car roofs is
normal?
LISA (overwhelmed): um... okay, okay. I'll stay. But this better be good.
LUNA: Oh, I know it is. HERE!
Luna does a big twirly backflip, and a sparkling item appears at the apex of the flip. It falls onto Lisa's bed - it's a gold brooch.
LUNA: Here, a present for you.
Lisa picks it up and starts inspecting it.
LISA: Wow, more jewelry. It looks expensive... is it really for me?
LUNA: Yes, only you can use it. Lisa, you might not have noticed, but a lot
of strange things have been happening all over Springfield recently.
LISA (surprised): What, you mean all those mysterious deaths? The ones were
nobody can find any cause of death except exhaustion?
LUNA: Yes, those deaths.
LISA (thoughtful): Bart and I had been looking into some of them... a lot
of the time we're more likely to solve the case than the police are.
LUNA (surprised): That's good... (enthused) that's a great start! Lisa, you
have been chosen to be a soldier in the battle against the people causing these
deaths!
LISA: What? Chosen by who? Who would choose an 8-year-old?
LUNA: Fate.
LISA: Um, okay... MOM!
LUNA: Lisa! What, don't you believe me?
LISA (nervously): Of, of course I do, imaginary fever cat. But I really think
I should have some medicine!
LUNA: (sigh): Lisa... I know you don't need to believe me, but I can prove
this... please, hold up the brooch and say "MOOON PRISIMU POWA - MAKE UP!"
Lisa just stares at Luna.
LISA (in shock): Moon prism power - make up?
LUNA (defensive): Hey, I didn't decide on the phrase, okay. Just say the
stupid words.
LISA: Uh, sure I will... (at door) MOMM!
LUNA (sigh): Please Lisa, I'm begging you... if it does nothing I'll leave.
Lisa looks at Luna, and sighs.
LISA: Oh, alright. (grabs brooch, poses) MOOON PRISIMU POWA - MAKE UP!
Nothing happens.
LISA: There! I knew it! (suddenly, with a SWISH her dress morphs into a leotard.
She jerks into an odd pose in shock) AGH! (SWISH and jerk as her shoes become knee-high
boots) Waugh! (SWISH and jerk as elbow-length gloves appear) Eek! (SWISH and jerk
as tiara and earrings appear) What? (One final SWISH and Lisa goes into a pose with
her left hand on her hip and her right fingers over her eye, as the skirt and bows
appear) Woah! What on earth? (she falls over onto her butt) Ow! My, my clothes!
(angry) What the heck have you done to my clothes? What is this?
LUNA: Lisa, you have been chosen to be a soldier for Justice. You are Sailor
Moon!
When she is Sailor Moon, Lisa will be referred to as MOON-LISA.
MOON-LISA: How can I be a soldier if I look more like a sailor?
LUNA (dismissive): That's not important right now...
MOON-LISA: Yes it is, I look like an idiot! (angry, dives at Luna) Give me
my red dress back!
LUNA: Agh! Sailor Moon! What are you doing?
Luna dives out of the way onto Lisa's desk. As she lands, she dislodges the box with the new pearl necklace, which falls out and onto the ground. The evil mist that is drawn into it can clearly be seen.
LUNA: What is this?
MOON-LISA: (gasp)
LUNA: Sailor Moon! We must destroy this necklace!
Luna leaps down, claws unsheathed, and cuts the string between some of the pearls. Moon-Lisa grabs something heavy and smashes it down on the necklace a few times, breaking some of the pearls. As Moon-Lisa removes the heavy object, the mist dies away.
MOON-LISA: What on earth was that?
LUNA: That necklace must have come from the Dark Kingdom! I'm sure that,
if you had worn that, it would have started to steal your life energy for the Dark
Kingdom's evil schemes!
MOON-LISA: What? Is that why I felt a little faint before?
LUNA: I would bet it is.
MOON-LISA: But... if all the jewelry in the store is like this... dozens
of people could die!
LUNA: Yes! You must do something Sailor Moon!
Moon-Lisa gapes at Luna.
MOON-LISA: Me? What can I do? We need to call the police!
LUNA: Normal people can't fight youmas! Only certain people can, and you
are one of them. As one of the Sailor Soldiers, it's your responsibility to help
these people!
MOON-LISA: Hm... all right. What do we need to do?
LUNA: We must head for that new store right away!
Luna heads over to the open window and leaps out. Lisa watches her.
MOON-LISA (shout): But I can't go outside dressed like this! (to self) Or jump out of a window for that matter... (sigh) this is getting weirder all the time. Well, here we go...
She jumps out the window and runs across the garden chasing Luna. They both clear the fence at the end in one jump.
INT: THE EVIL WAL-MART, NIGHT
All of the SHOPPERS are here, now completely passed out. FAKE MOM is here too, holding
JANEY by her throat two feet from the floor.
JANEY (struggle): Huh... ggh... mom, why, what are you doing...
FAKE MOM: I'm not your mother. She is tied up in the basement!
JANEY (struggle): But... who... ugh...
FAKE MOM: You don't see to be affected ... oh, you didn't buy anything! Well,
I know exactly what to do with you.
MOON-LISA (OS): Stop right there!
Quick pan to the door, where Moon-Lisa and Luna stand.
FAKE MOM: Who are you?
MOON-LISA (hesitates): Um... I'm... (poses) I am the pretty soldier (pose)
of love and justice (pose) Sailor Moon! (pose) In the name of the moon (pose) I'll
punish you! (pose, pose)
LUNA: Wow, she's catching on fast...
FAKE MOM: Sailor Moon? A bit smaller than expected, but that doesn't matter!
I'll teach you to mess with the powers of the Dark Kingdom!
Close-up of Fake Mom as she morphs into MORGUE. Morgue is a zombielike youma, somewhat androgynous, with stretched gray skin, no nose to speak of, and long and decidedly evil black hair.
Luna gasps in shock, Moon-Lisa screams in horror.
MOON-LISA: It's Michael Jackson!
LUNA: No Sailor Moon, it's the youma that's caused this! You must destroy
it!
MORGUE: You can try, little girl! Attention shoppers, we have a blue light
special on dead wannabe heroes!
All the SHOPPERS get up, possessed my Morgue.
MOON-LISA: Hey, what's wrong with you? (to MORGUE) What have you done to them?
She doesn't get an answer, as AGNES SKINNER charges at Moon-Lisa. Moon-Lisa screams and tries to run, but Agnes manages to get a grip of her ankle.
AGNES (groaning): Seymour... come... and... help... me... hold... her...
down...
SKINNER (groaning): Coming... mother...
Skinner tries to shamble over, Zombie style, but Moon-Lisa manages to pull free before he gets there.
AGNES (groaning): You... call... that... shuffling??? That's... the... worst...
shuffling... I've... ever...
SKINNER (groaning): But... Mother...
Moon-Lisa ignores them and runs further into the shop away from the crowd. But MRS KRABAPPEL and MS HOOVER block her way.
MRS KRABAPPEL (groaning): You... should... not... disobey... your... elders!
10... years... detention!
MS HOOVER (groaning): Write... 10000... lines! "This... is... not... appropriate...
clothing!"
MOON-LISA: Detention and lines? But I'm a model student!
Moon-Lisa is paralyzed in shock.
HOOVER/KRABAPPEL (groaning): We... have... her... now!
They dive at Moon-Lisa, attempting to grab her. But she manages to jump backwards and they fall on the floor. She jumps over their bodies and keeps running. Morgue covers it's eyes with a hand.
MORGUE: My Queen, these slaves are useless... unless... (turns to CLETUS)
You, redneck! Here's the key to the gun cabinet!
CLETUS (groaning): Yee... haw...
COUNTER
Moon-Lisa squats behind a counter.
MOON-LISA: What's happened to them? That monster must be controlling them. It's a good thing they're not very fast or they'd already have me by now.
LUNA runs up to her.
LUNA: What are you doing sitting here, Sailor Moon? Get out there and destroy
that youma!
MOON-LISA: But how can I? You never told me that bit!
LUNA: ... okay, so I didn't. Just remove your tiara, and throw it at the
youma while shouting "Mooon Tiarra Acshon!"
MOON-LISA: Moon Tiara Action? (pause, yells) MOM! MOMM! Come wake me up!
LUNA (exasperated): For goodness sake girl, I'm being perfectly serious!
MOON-LISA: That's hard to believe right now...
LUNA: Look, the "Mooon Prisimu Powa, make up!" worked, didn't it? So trust
me a little, Sailor Moon! I'm not a hallucination or anything, and those people
it's controlling are dying!
Moon-Lisa thinks to herself for a moment, and turns to Luna.
MOON-LISA: Okay...
She stands, and looks over the counter.
MOON-LISA: Okay Youma, set these people free or I will AGGH!
We see Cletus looking at her down the barrel of a shotgun. Moon-Lisa freezes in fright. Close-up of Cletus's finger pulling the trigger...
The gun fires, but in a blur something slams into the side of the gun, forcing it over a bit to the left. Cut to Moon-Lisa, who appears to be in shock. There are some holes in the wall a few inches to her right, and the shot has clipped the end off a hair spike. It falls to the ground.
MOON-LISA: What was that?
Show the shotgun. A rose is in it, the stem having passed through the barrel. Everyone follows the path of the rose and looks up. A second-story window is open, and a MAN stands in it. He wears a tuxedo, cape, mask and top hat, and carries a cane.
MAN: I am Tuxedo Kamen! You can't win if you don't have faith in your powers Sailor Moon! Just trust the damn cat already... (looks closer) hang on a moment, are you...?
He jumps down from the window, landing next to Moon-Lisa. She has her hands clasped together, and is looking up at him with starry eyes.
MOON-LISA: You saved me!
TUXEDO KAMEN (bends down and looks closely): You're a bit... uh... younger
than expected...
MOON-LISA: Is your name Corey?
TUXEDO KAMEN (shudder): Uh, no. (to self) This is my love-interest? Even
I have limits... (to Moon-Lisa, embarrassed) Well, good luck! Gotta go!
He jumps back up to the window, and leaves.
MOON-LISA: Hey, where are you going?
MORGUE (OS): (cough) Are you done yet?
Show Morgue and some of the possessed people sitting around having coffee.
MOON-LISA: Um, I guess so...
MORGUE: Good. Prepare to meet your death, Sailor Moon!
Morgue stands and stretches out her arms, which get longer so that her hands are stretching towards Moon-Lisa rapidly.
LUNA: Do it now Sailor Moon!
MOON-LISA: Okay!
REPETITIVE CUT-'N'-PASTE TIARA ATTACK
Moon-Lisa appears before a trippy background with bubbles and stuff in it. Close-up
of her tiara. She picks it off her head, and POSES. Then she holds it in front of
her and SPINS twice on one leg. The tiara starts to glow becoming a disc of white
light. She POSES.
MOON-LISA: MOOON TIARRA ACSHUN!
She throws the tiara/disc like a frisbee.
WAL-MART
Morgue screams as the tiara heads straight for her. There is a large explosion of
white light as it hits.
MOON-LISA: Wow! That's incredible!
Morgue crumbles into dust.
A REALLY DARK PLACE
JIMBOITE's ball of energy suddenly dissipates as it's returned to its owners.
JIMBOITE: Oh no, the Queen ain't gonna be happy about this... that wiener Morgue must have failed.
INT: LISA'S ROOM - NIGHT
MOON-LISA flops down back-first onto her bed, exhausted. Her uniform glows for a
moment before turning back into her red dress.
LISA: I can't believe I really did that... It's impossible, isn't it?
LUNA: Not at all, and you did it really well too! Great job Lisa, you saved
all these people!
LISA: Huh, I guess I did! It was weird and embarrassing, but it worked pretty
well. I'm just glad those people probably won't have any memory of me in that silly
costume.
LUNA: Oh, don't worry about that. Nobody, not even your closest friends and
family will ever recognize you as Sailor Moon.
LISA: Why not?
LUNA: Plot convenience.
LISA: Ah. So... was that the only youma, or will there be more enemies like
it?
LUNA: I'm afraid there will almost certainly be more. We've got a long battle
ahead of us, Lisa.
FADE TO BLACK
LISA (voice over): Luna was right. It seemed like from that point on, a new youma appeared every few days to set up a new con and steal people's energy. They must have tried everything...
Show still picture of Moon-Lisa fighting a batlike youma in the broadcast mast of KBBL Talk Radio.
LISA (voiceover): hijacking radio stations...
Picture of Moon-Lisa running on a fast treadmill as a Youma laughs at her.
LISA (voiceover): taking over fitness clubs...
Pic of Moon-Lisa gasping at Bart, who is holding a nasty looking guinea pig.
LISA (voiceover): even selling possessed animals. It was hard work, sometimes I wound up staying up really late to destroy a youma. Fortunately, I got an ally pretty soon.
EXT: SPRINGFIELD ELEMENTARY SCHOOL - DAY
JANEY: I'm telling you, Sailor Moon's real! I was there, remember?
ALLISON: I'm not saying you're wrong, it's just that you were only
halfway conscious at the time. Maybe what you saw wasn't what you
thought you saw. I mean, you'd just heard of that Sailor V character on
TV the previous day.
JANEY: So you're saying I'm crazy.
ALLISON: I'm not saying that, I'm just saying that girls can't do
magic, cats can't talk, and nobody would go into a battle wearing a
leotard covered with bows. Right, Lisa?
LISA (embarrassed): Well, I wouldn't say anything is strictly
impossible.
NORTH KILTTOWN PRESENTS
a The Simpsons / Sailor Moon crossover
"PRETTY SOLDIER SIMPSON MOON"
Part 2 : Genius Girl vs. Stupid, Stupid Youma!
So you thought school was brainwashing you?
by Steven Scott / GKScotty / Steveite
Steven.Scott@btinternet.com
from an idea by Rich Wilson / Cuteswan
LISA (voice over): Allison had been going to a nearby cram school that was taken over by a youma...
TEACHER : Make sure you study hard with that crystal disk, Ms Taylor.
It would be a shame to let a mind like yours go to waste.
ALLISON: Okay...
The teacher leaves, and Allison rummages through her school bag.
ALLISON: Huh? The disk is missing! Well, I don't need it to study, I
always get a headache while using that thing anyway.
LUNA (voice over): But she didn't know that we had got her crystal
disk, after she dropped it at school.
LISA: Hm, I really should learn how to use this thing properly
someday.
LUNA: You can't use a computer?
LISA: Well, I can use Word and play Minesweeper... but this looks like
something else...
LUNA: It's for DOS. Hmph, you'd better move over then...
Luna stands on Lisa's chair, and starts typing like mad. The screen flashes all sorts of colors.
LISA: Hey, I didn't know cats could use computers!
LUNA: J00R |\|0T L337 e|\|uf 4 m3, g!rl!3... well, here it is!
Some strange patterns start to flash on the screen, and "Enter Sandman" by Metallica starts playing. Lisa looks a little woozy.
LISA: Wha...? I feel funny and tired... it's just like when I had that
necklace on!
LUNA: It's a program for brainwashing people!
JIMBOITE (from computer): Come on dudes, give up your mental energy
for our Queen Metallica! You don't need it, really! And when it's all
gone go buy a Metallica Album too!
Luna quickly turns the speakers and monitor off.
LUNA: I knew it! I was sure I was getting a strange feeling off of
that girl, and this proves it! Lisa, she must be a youma sent by the
enemy!
LISA: Who, Allison? That's impossible, I've known her for months!
LUNA: It could be impersonating her! The real Allison's probably tied
up in a basement somewhere, they like that tactic it seems.
LISA: I guess you're right, we'd better get over there...
SFX: (KNOCK KNOCK!)
BART (OS): Hey, can I come in my own room already? Jeez Lis, what are
you doing on that computer, I want to play Quake!
LISA: We're just done!
She opens the door and leaves, followed by Luna. BART enters and turns
on his computer. He is immediately hypnotized.
BART (sings slowly): dreams of war, dreams of liars, dreams of
dragon's fire...
LISA (voiceover): We left immediately, and headed straight for the
cram school.
CUT TO:
LISA: Okay, here's Allison's class! Lets go in!
LUNA: Don't you think you should be Sailor Moon before you go in,
Lisa?
LISA: Hm, good idea, I wouldn't want to have to change in front of all
those people. MOOON PRISIMU POWA, MAKE UP! (pause, then with a SWISH
her dress morphs into a leotard. She jerks into an odd pose in shock)
AGH! (SWISH and jerk as her shoes become knee-high boots) Waugh! (SWISH
and jerk as elbow-length gloves appear) Eek! (SWISH and jerk as tiara
and earrings appear) Woah! (SWISH and pose as the skirt and bows
appear. She holds the pose for a moment, then glares at Luna)
MOON-LISA: Can't you arrange a more comfortable transformation method?
LUNA: You'd rather be spinning, glowing and naked?
MOON-LISA (dismissive): Forget I said anything. (boldly) Okay, lets go in!
She opens the door.
CUT TO:
MOON-LISA: Quick, everyone get up and away from those computers! They're stealing your energy for the Dark Kingdom!
The STUDENTS look up at her, confused and disbelieving.
MOON-LISA: Um... that is... if you don't get away from them now, you could get eyestrain and carpal-tunnel syndrome!
The students look MUCH more concerned at this, and start talking to each other.
STUDENT 1: Hey, my hands do feel a bit sore, now that you mention it!
STUDENT 2: Oh no, I never noticed how bad my vision was getting until now!
STUDENT 3 (panicky): Help, I think sitting on this seat has sent my legs
to sleep!
ALLISON (stands up): Don't be hypochondriacs, everyone! We don't use computers for that long, we're not at risk from those things! (to Moon-Lisa) How can you just charge in here and disturb everyone's study?
LUNA: There, I knew it! She wants them to go back to using the computers, that girl must be the youma!
MOON-LISA: I didn't believe it, but I guess it must be true! Don't worry Allison, I'll destroy the youma impersonating you and set you free!
ALLISON: A youma? Who, me? No, you've got it all wrong...
A hand is clamped over her mouth. It's the TEACHER!
TEACHER: Close girl, but no gold star!
Instead of protecting it's identity and just letting Moon-Lisa accidentally kill Allison, the STUPID, STUPID YOUMA reveals itself.
STUPID, STUPID YOUMA: I am Garaben, the youma of knowledge, but not intelligence apparently!
All the students are scared by the monster and chaotically flee the classroom.
MOON-LISA (to Luna): Luna, I thought you said Allison was the youma!
LUNA: Whoops... I wonder what it was I felt then?
GARABEN: You're too late! This girl's mind is the richest I have seen, I'll take all her mental energy and then dump her in a trailer park somewhere!
MOON-LISA: I don't think so! (poses) I am the pretty soldier (pose) of love and justice (pose) Sailor Moon! (pose) In the name of the moon (pose) I'll punish you! (pose, pose)
Garaben holds up a finger.
GARABEN: First question...
MOON-LISA: Huh?
GARABEN: A question about the genius Isaac Newton! Why did the apple fall from the tree?
Garaben throws several sheets of notepaper at Moon-Lisa, like knives.
MOON-LISA: What the... agh!
The paper sticks in the wall by Lisa's head, and she runs to the side.
GARABEN: If you can't answer, you're dead!
MOON-LISA: Hey, stop that! It was the force of gravity!
GARABEN: Correct! Second question! Explain the force of gravity in less than 50 words!
MOON-LISA (quickly): Gravity is a result of the electromagnetic attraction between matter that draws masses toward each other. The strength of a masses' gravity is dependant on it's size and composition. A small mass like a stone has nearly no gravity, while a large mass like Earth has higher gravity.
Garaben looks confused. She looks down at Allison (she still has her hand over Allison's mouth)
GARABEN (clueless): Is she right?
ALLISON (muffled): Eif finc soe. Itf clofe enofe.
GARABEN: Alright, correct! Third question! Politics - who was the father of Socialism?
MOON-LISA: Karl Marx!
GARABEN: Correct! Fourth question! History - whose death was the cause of the first world war?
MOON-LISA: Archduke Franz Ferdinand!
GARABEN: Correct! Fifth question! Networking - what is an error 404?
MOON-LISA: um...
LUNA: File not found, Sailor Moon!
MOON-LISA: File not found!
GARABEN: Correct! Sixth question...
FADE OUT, and back IN AGAIN.
SUBTITLE: An hour later...
MOON-LISA: 200 Job Points gets you Ifrit!
GARABEN: Correct! Fifty-second question! Mythology - who wrote the Odyssey and the Iliad?
MOON-LISA: Hom... wait... that can't be right, can it?
GARABEN: Ah, I have you!
Garaben throws more paper, which manages to pin Moon-Lisa to the wall.
MOON-LISA: Agh! Luna, help!
GARABEN: Now, I can send this girl's mental energy to my master!
Garaben pushes Allison's face up against a computer screen. Nothing happens.
ALLISON: Urk! What are you doing? (distressed) I'm getting static electricity
off this thing!
Garaben is zapped by a little bit of electricity.
GARABEN: Ow! I don't understand... (ranting) the program should be taking your mental energy! Why isn't it working!
A small blue symbol starts to glow on Allison's forehead. It looks as if someone mashed a love heart and a O+ symbol together and gave it ears.
LUNA: (gasp) That's it! The strange energy I felt!
GARABEN: Well, if I can't take your energy, I'll just take your entire brain!
Garaben throws Allison down to the ground. Luna does another Big Backflip, and an odd pen appears at the apex. She slides it over to Allison.
LUNA: Quickly, Allison! Pick up that pen!
ALLISON: (gets the pen) What? A talking...
LUNA: Yes, I know I'm a talking cat, I've already been through it with Lisa. Just hold up the pen and say "Murcuri Powa, Make up!"
ALLISON: What?
Allison gets up, and looks at Garaben. It morphs it's arm into a really big axe. Allison glares at it.
ALLISON: okay... (raises pen) MURCURI POWA, MAKE UP!
A thick layer of water covers her, and when it subsides Allison is wearing a fetching boots-leotard-skirt-bows-tiara combo similar to Sailor Moon's. The bows and skirt are all blue.
LUNA: Allison is the second Sailor Soldier, Sailor Mercury!
(NOTE : Like Moon, Allison shall be referred to as MERC-ALLISON when she is Sailor Mercury)
LUNA: Quick, Sailor Mercury! Use the Shabon Sprayy!
MERC-ALLISON (twiddles her ears): Sorry, what did you say? I can't hear, I've got water in my ears.
LUNA: USE THE SHABON SPRAYY!
MERC-ALLISON: Okay... SHABON... SPRAYY!
Merc-Allison POSES, TWISTs a little and POSES again as she throws out lots of little bubbles, creating a dense fog.
GARABEN: What the... I can't see anything... so cold...
The papers pinning Moon-Lisa to the wall go soggy, and she is able to get free.
MOON-LISA (awestruck): So Allison is another Sailor Soldier? That's great! But... where is she? I can't see anything here...
Garaben is still searching for Merc-Allison. It suddenly sees her in the distance.
GARABEN: I've found you now! You'll pay!
Garaben charges and dives... and goes flying through a plate glass window. The image of Merc-Allison was merely a reflection. Merc-Allison steps out from the fog.
MERC-ALLISON: I can't believe it was so easy to outsmart it! (calls) SAILOR MOON! Over here!
MOON-LISA: Coming! (steps out of the mist) I heard glass breaking, where'd it go... (sees window) oooh... (smirk)
MERC-ALLISON: Do we do anything else, or is that punishment enough?
MOON-LISA: Leave this to me.
MOON-LISA: MOOON TIARRA ACSHUN!
She throws the tiara/disc like a frisbee.
There is a bright flash of light. Merc-Allison shades her eyes. When it subsides, most of the cabbages are vaporized, and the rest are covered in the dirt and dust that Garaben was transformed into. Merc-Allison looks at her gloved hand.
MERC-ALLISON: I'm... I'm...
MOON-LISA: You're the second Sailor Soldier, Sailor Mercury.
MERC-ALLISON: That's strange, I was sure it was impossible this morning... I guess I can't be right about everything.
MOON-LISA: Don't worry about it, I still have trouble understanding how all this can be real.
LUNA (stern): Sailor Moon...
MOON-LISA (apologetic): Okay, okay, no more. But there's one thing I don't understand. Why didn't the computer steal your energy, Mercury?
MERC-ALLISON: I had lost my crystal disk, so I wasn't running the program at the time. I think that must be what prevented it.
MOON-LISA: So what were you doing on that computer then?
Moon-Lisa goes over to take a look, Merc-Allison chases her.
MERC-ALLISON (worried): Nothing, it was nothing.
MOON-LISA: (smirk) You were writing fanfic? Wow... I thought I was introverted, but I guess you're still a step ahead of me...
MERC-ALLISON: Hey now, that's art!
MOON-LISA (funny look): Right...
CLETUS (OS): Hey, what in the durn heck happened to mah cabbages? The two girls look guiltily at each other.
BOTH: Whoops...
They run away.
ALLISON (voice-over): It took me a while to get used to the magic, so Luna gave me a great miniaturized super-computer as well, to use in analyzing enemy powers and weak spots, and devising strategies.
LISA (voice-over): It is a nice computer, I'm sure it'll be useful. So Luna, will we be getting any more friends?
LUNA (voice over): Yes, we should. And my feline intuition says it will be quite soon... although "friend" is debatable...
Continued in Part 3!
PS. Something very strange happened with this fic. It turns out that
not only do Usagi and Lisa have the same voice actress in Spain, but
Allison and Ami also have the same actress there! I was pretty shocked
to find out. :-)
EXT: FIRST CHURCH OF SPRINGFIELD - DAY
Establishing shot of the church. The billboard reads "Communion this Sunday. NO
MINORS!"
LISA (voice-over): Oh no, not her...
LUNA (voice-over): Hush, Lisa.
NEAR BACK DOOR
LISA and LUNA hide behind some bushes, watching REV LOVEJOY and CHIEF WIGGUM talking.
LOVEJOY: Look Chief, all I know is they left their bridge club meeting at
the hall, got on the bus, and never arrived at their homes.
WIGGUM (accusatory): You sure you're telling me everything? Kidnapping the
old folks is a serious crime, churchie!
LOVEJOY: And exactly what do you mean by that?
LISA (voice-over): It was the talk of the town at the time - entire buses full of old people were going missing from the bus stop near the church. Of course, we suspected the Dark Kingdom...
LUNA (whisper): Sssh, Lisa, not so loud! Do you want them to hear us?
LISA (whisper): What? I didn't say anything!
LUNA (whisper): Whoops, sorry... it must have been a voiceover...
LISA (whisper): Uh huh... Well, it looks like the reverend doesn't know anything,
and if I know the Springfield Police, they'll be completely clueless too. Looks
like this one is up to us...
JESSICA (OS): Are you talking to that cat?
NORTH KILTTOWN PRESENTS
a The Simpsons / Sailor Moon crossover
"PRETTY SOLDIER SIMPSON MOON"
Part 3 : The bus smells of old people! Flame's soldier appears!
by Steven Scott / GKScotty / Steveite
from an idea by Rich Wilson / Cuteswan
Images drawn by Marco Berzacola unless otherwise noted.
Lisa and Luna turn, to see JESSICA LOVEJOY (episode "Bart's Girlfriend") standing over them. They both scream briefly, then start shaking their heads rapidly.
LUNA: Meow, meow meow, meow meow, meow, meow.
LISA: No, of course not, how could a cat talk back anyway, it's not possible...
LUNA: Meow meow.
(about Jessica... A trip to church suddenly became interesting for Bart, as he caught sight of Reverend Lovejoy's beautiful daughter Jessica. But his attempts to woo her met with failure until he started misbehaving - unknown to anyone, Jessica was the biggest hellion Springfield has ever know. Even Bart felt intimidated by her pranks and feared she'd get him into trouble. Sure enough, when he tried to break up with her during a church service she just stole the collection money and framed him for it. Since the entire town believed Jessica was a saintly ministers daughter, only Lisa would stand up for Bart - the next week she took the pulpit and persuaded the congregation to check Jessica' room for the missing money. It was found under Jessica's bed. Therefore, relations between Jessica and Lisa are best described as... frosty. Jessica was voiced by Meryl Streep.)
JESSICA: Humph, I knew you were a goody-two-shoes snitch, Lisa, but I didn't
know you were crazy enough to talk to animals. What are you doing here?
LISA: None of your business, Jessica.
JESSICA: Hey, you're the one spying on my dad, you can't say it's none of
my business.
LISA: Alright, if you must know, I'm investigating the old folks' disappearances.
JESSICA: Heh, good luck. (snort) A witless imbecile like you'll need it!
LISA: Oh, I suppose you're doing much better, Jessica? Got any clues of your
own?
JESSICA: It really doesn't bother me what happens to a bunch of dumb old
coots. But even if I did, I wouldn't share them with you.
LISA: Fine then. Well, there isn't anything else to be found here, we'll
just head off somewhere else. Come on, Luna.
Lisa walks off toward the front of the church. Luna takes a last look at Jessica, and follows.
FRONT OF CHURCH
Luna and Lisa walk around at the front. CREEPY JIMBO is cleaning the steps around
the front.
LISA: That obnoxious, stupid, stuck up... criminal! I wouldn't be surprised
if she were behind this, I really wouldn't.
LUNA: Lisa, that's an awful thing to think about someone! You should give
her a chance, she may surprise you someday.
LISA: It's not very likely... but okay, I'll try next time. So what shall
we do now about the buses?
LUNA: I think our best get is to get ourselves on those buses to investigate.
We may find our enemies on them somewhere...
LISA: But, what if we get kidnapped?
LUNA: If we are, we'll be in the perfect place to defeat the kidnappers and
rescue the old folks.
LISA: Hmm, I guess you're right. I'd better get Allison over here then.
She pulls a mobile phone out of her bag, and dials a number.
LUNA: Didn't I give you communicators?
LISA: This is less conspicuous.
SPLIT SCREEN - show ALLISON waiting at a bus stop.
ALLISON: Hello?
LISA: Allison, where are you?
ALLISON: I am waiting for a bus.
A CREAM PIE comes out of nowhere and smacks into Allison's face.
KRUSTY (OS): Oops, sorry! Automatic reaction!
Allison glares offscreen, and tries to wipe cream out of her eyes.
LISA: Hey, what was that? Are you okay?
ALLISON: I'm fine. What is it, Lisa?
LISA: Luna and I need you at the First Church of Springfield. We think we've
uncovered another plot by the Dark Kingdom.
ALLISON: Okay, I'll be right over.
They hang up, and the screen goes back to just being Lisa.
LISA: She's on her way.
LUNA: Good.
FRONT STEPS OF CHURCH
JESSICA stands here, arms folded, watching Lisa and Luna. CREEPY JIMBO is still
washing the steps. He wears a shirt that reads COMMUNITY SERVICE.
JESSICA: Huh, look at her, trying to act all smart and resourceful. Little
Lisa Snitchy has as much chance of figuring this out as you do!
C-JIMBO: Hey Jessie, you're wrong! I could figure this out if I wanted to.
There's just no point in doing it, is all.
JESSICA: Yeah, you're right.
Jessica walks back to where she'd talked to Lisa and Luna.
JESSICA: Unless... boy, I bet it would really piss off Lisa if I found out what's going on before her. It'd be a great way to get back at her for tattling on me... (looks down) hey, what's this?
She finds a fancy red pen on the ground.
JESSICA: She must have dropped it. Oh well, I'll just keep it. (puts it in a pocket) Well, that's it then. I'll just start my own investigation.
CHURCH PARKING LOT
A bus is parked here. Lisa is waiting around, until Allison runs up to her.
LISA (voice-over): We met up with Allison, and got on the bus.
While MOON-LISA looks around, MERC-ALLISON uses her computer and touches her right earring, and a blue visor lowers out from her tiara to cover her eyes. She looks around, scanning the bus.
LISA (voice-over): But as far as we could tell, it was just a normal bus.
ALLISON (voice-over): So since we knew that we would be thrown off the bus
when the old guys had to use it, we hid under the seats so that we could try to
prevent it being hijacked.
The girls are hidden under the seats when old people start getting on - among the oldies are Grampa Simpson, Jasper, the Crazy Old Man and Mrs Glick. OTTO also gets on.
OTTO: Okay, old dudes! I know you're probably all worried about the kidnappings
of your friends...
GRAMPA (looks around, guilty): Kidnappings? What are you talking about, I
ain't kidnapped nobody, I tells ya!
OTTO (continued): ... but don't worry, there's no way anything's gonna go
wrong on this bus, I already checked the trunk for Arabs, (waves a gun) and I'm
packing a piece jussst in case.
The old folk cheer.
JASPER: Now that's forward thinking!
GRAMPA: This is the safest I've felt for decades!
OTTO: So don't worry old dudes, you are completely safe!
He waves the gun, and accidentally shoots out the back window of the bus. The oldies are quiet for a moment, and then cheer again.
MOON LISA UNDER A SEAT
Moon-Lisa looks annoyed.
MOON-LISA: This is a farce...
A foot is put down next to her face... its wearing sandals. Moon-Lisa screws up her face, and pinches her nose.
MOON-LISA: Oh god...
ARIEL VIEW OF THE PARKING LOT
The bus pulls away, and heads down the street. Suddenly, a black portal materializes down the street from the bus, and fills the otherwise empty street.
THE BUS - VIEW FROM THE BACK, FACING TOWARD THE FRONT
The portal can be seen in the windshield. The oldies are shouting in fright and
surprise. Camera pans down to MOON-LISA, MERC-ALLISON and LUNA, hidden under the
seats. Moon-Lisa is starting to turn blue from holding her breath.
LUNA: That sounds like our cue!
They get out from under the seats, and Merc-Allison strikes a pose.
MERC-ALLISON: Quick Otto, stop this bus or we'll all be kidnapped!
Moon-Lisa just tries to breathe again, and ends up almost having a coughing fit.
LUNA: Sailor Moon, this isn't the time...
MOON-LISA: Okay, I think I'm better now...
She runs up to the front of the bus, Merc-Allison following.
MOON-LISA: Otto, stop the bus now! That portal must be what somebody is using
to kidnap these buses!
OTTO: Hey, don't worry about it sailor dude-ess, I've seen this before. That's
just another of my acid flashbacks, it'll disappear once we drive through it.
Merc-Allison scans the portal with her visor and computer.
MERC-ALLISON: I don't think that's very accurate Otto, my computer says it's
a pan dimensional non-harmonious rift in simultaneous 4-day cube space.
MOON-LISA: ... and that means?
MERC-ALLISON: I'm not sure. (looks at computer screen.) Apparently I'm educated
stupid.
LUNA: O...kay, so Sailor Mercury's computer is on the fritz. When we get
out of here, remind me to call tech support.
MOON-LISA: Speaking of getting out of here, aren't we getting a bit close
to that portal?
Shot of everyone looking at the portal, which is right in front of the bus now. Merc-Allison, Moon-Lisa and Luna scream.
OTTO: All right, this is getting good!
OUTSIDE THE BUS
The bus floats off the ground a little as it enters the portal.
MOON-LISA (OS): It's going in! Everyone hold onto your tiaras!
OLD FOLKS (OS): OKAY!
The bus goes all the way through the portal.
FRONT OF CHURCH
Jessica walks around with a magnifying glass, inspecting the pavement. CREEPY JIMBO
is still cleaning the steps.
JESSICA: (sigh) Oh, this is hopeless... I don't have any idea where to start. I'll never find any clues at this rate, and I'm too proud to ask that dog on Nick Junior. Jeez, there must be SOMETHING around here, just under my nose or something... I can't shake the feeling that it's something nearby.
JESSICA'S POV
Jessica looks up and down the street. The only thing of note is JIMBO, NELSON, DOLPH
and KEARNEY harassing NED FLANDERS. Jessica looks directly at them.
JESSICA: Hey, that looks like fun! But I'd never get away with doing it too. Hey... wait a minute!
FRONT OF CHURCH
Jessica looks at the steps. Creepy Jimbo is still washing them. She looks back at
the street - Jimbo is still harassing Flanders.
JESSICA: But that's...
Creepy Jimbo gets up from washing the steps, and goes inside the church.
JESSICA: I should have known!
INSIDE THE CHURCH
Creepy Jimbo walks down the aisle, and approaches the stage. SFX - Door Opening.
C-Jimbo turns at the noise. Pan over to show Jessica in the door.
JESSICA: Hey, you! Faker!
C-JIMBO: What? You talking to me!
JESSICA: Yeah, I am! Who the hell are you to come here impersonating Jimbo
Jones? The real Jimbo would never even turn up for community service like a wimp,
never mind finish on time! You're the one behind the kidnappings, aren't you?
C-JIMBO: You're right... how smart of you to figure it out.
C-Jimbo's clothes shimmer, and change to the uniform of a Dark Kingdom general! He reveals himself to be JIMBOITE! (SHOCK!!!)
JIMBOITE: But now that you know kid, I can't let you live! (waves an arm. A black portal appears!) You can go in too, then!
The portal sucks a screaming Jessica in, and closes behind her.
INT: WEIRD DIMENSION
The dimension certainly is weird. A single island made of firmament, floating in
a vast blackness. Another bus is parked at the side of the island, and the current
bus enters through a portal higher up.
ON THE BUS
OTTO, MOON-LISA, MERC-ALLISON and LUNA are up the front.
MERC-ALLISON: Great, now where are we?
MOON-LISA: It looks like we've left our reality completely.
LUNA: This is part of the Dark Kingdom's realm.
OTTO: Woah, this is new. I've never had a hallucination like this before.
Moon-Lisa "Hmmmm"'s, and heads to the back of the bus.
MOON-LISA: Attention old people! Do not be alarmed at your new, unfamiliar
surroundings, we are trying to find a way back to your usual dimension and your
afternoon Matlock as soon as possible!
MRS GLICK : But who are you anyway?
JASPER: They're obviously trapeze artists!
CRAZY OLD MAN : No, they're ice skaters!
GRAMPA: You're both crazy! Look at those costumes, they're obviously Broadway
showgirls! Hey girls, can you Can-Can like I can? (gets up and starts trying to
do the can-can) Da, diddy-diddy, da da diddy-diddy da da...
MOON-LISA (disturbed): Eww...
OUTSIDE
The bus pulls in next to the island, and the doors open. Moon-Lisa steps out.
MOON-LISA (testing the ground): Hmm, seems solid enough.
Merc-Allison, Luna, Otto and the Old Folks follow her out.
JASPER (satisfied): Well I'll be jiggered. It looks like I've finally
died.
CRAZY OLD MAN : Not before time, too. I've been waiting for years to get
your room, you long lived old bastard.
JASPER: Hey, over my dead body, you room-coveting young whippersnapper!
CRAZY OLD MAN : Your dead body eh? Well, where are you now, eh? (gloating)
The room is mine!
JASPER: Not if I kill you before you take it!
Jasper dives at the COM. They struggle, and roll along the ground, in front of the two Sailor Soldiers and Luna.
MOON-LISA: So have you figured out where we are yet?
MERC-ALLISON (looking at computer): Nearly, I think I can get the MapMaker
program on this thing to work. (she gives it a smack. SFX: Windows "ping")
Ah, here it goes!
MOON-LISA: So where are we?
MERC-ALLISON: It says we're "In the Land of Mordor where the Shadows lie."
Everything is silent for a moment. A spooky wind blows.
LUNA: If that's right, we're in big trouble. That had better not be right.
MERC-ALLISON: (gives it another smack) I think it's probably still a bit
buggy...
There is a THUNDERCLAP, and thanks to either coincidence or contrivance JESSICA falls out of a portal directly above the two soldiers, falling on them.
JESSICA/MOON-LISA/MERC-ALLISON: OW!
LUNA: What the?
JESSICA: Now where am I? Where did you send me?
She sees who she's landed on, and gapes at them for a moment, before standing and helping them up.
JESSICA (gushing, to Moon-Lisa): oh my god oh my god it's you! (to Merc-Allison)
And you! I can't believe it, I am your biggest fans, I mean fan!
MOON-LISA/MERC-ALLISON (deadpan): What?
JESSICA (hyper): I can't believe it's you! I have all of the Sailor
Moon comics so far, and your video games and some of the dubbed cartoon on tape!
MOON-LISA: We have a comic book?
MERC-ALLISON: And video games?
LUNA: What? I never approved a hack-job dub! What is central control thinking?
JESSICA: And oh, I can't believe I finally met you! It's a dream come true!
Wait until I tell the girls at school about this!
Moon-Lisa and Merc-Allison look at each other, and smile.
MOON-LISA (sly): Let me get this straight. You, Jessica Lovejoy, are our
biggest fan?
JESSICA: Yes!
MERC-ALLISON: You think we are very cool?
JESSICA: Yes!
MOON-LISA: You want to be like us?
JESSICA: Definitely!
After a brief pause, Moon-Lisa and Merc-Allison burst out laughing.
JESSICA: What? What is it? Hey, what's so funny?
MOON-LISA: Nothing. (snort) Sorry, Jessica. Well, it was great to talk like
this, but we're trying to find out what's behind these kidnappings. Maybe you should
go wait over with the old folks.
JESSICA: What? I don't want to go over by those old farts - I can help! I
know who's behind this! What's why I got thrown in here!
MERC-ALLISON: You do? Who?
JESSICA: It was a guy, in a grey uniform of some kind!
LUNA: Hm, that sounds like a Dark Kingdom general. If he's out on earth,
he must have assigned a youma to take care of things here! We have to identify it
before it strikes!
MOON-LISA: What about Otto? He's the one who drove us through the portal
in the first place!
LUNA: No, not Otto. All youma's are female, remember?
MOON-LISA: Oh yeah.
MERC-ALLISON: Well, that leaves fangirl-Jessica here, and (looks at the old
folks) Mrs. Glick. Who is acting the most unusual?
Everyone looks at Jessica, who steps backward.
JESSICA: What? I'm not a youma, I swear! If I was a stupid, stupid youma,
I would have revealed myself at the slightest suspicion, right?
LUNA: She's got a point.
MOON-LISA: So that leaves...
They glance sideways at Mrs. Glick, who turns into a lizardlike youma.
STUPID, STUPID YOUMA : Okay, you got me! But you'll never defeat me!
MOON-LISA: We'll see about that! (poses) I am the pretty soldier (pose) of
love and justice (pose) Sailor Moon! (pose)
MERC-ALLISON: (pose) And I am Sailor Mercury! (pose)
BOTH : (pose) In the name of the moon we'll punish you!
JESSICA: Wow! It's just like in the cartoon!
Moon-Lisa turns to her, angrily.
MOON-LISA: Will you shut up about that? This isn't a cartoon! (back to Youma) Youma! I won't forgive you for kidnapping people and bringing them to this kind of place! (pose) In the name of the moon (pose) I'll punish you! (pose, pose)
REPETITIVE CUT-'N'-PASTE TIARA ATTACK
Moon-Lisa appears before a trippy background with bubbles and stuff in it. Close-up
of her tiara. She picks it off her head, and POSES. Then she holds it in front of
her and SPINS twice on one leg. The tiara starts to glow becoming a disc of white
light. She POSES.
MOON-LISA: MOOON TIARRA ACSHUN!
She throws the tiara/disc like a Frisbee.
WEIRD DIMENSION
The moon-tiara races toward the Youma, but she catches it out of midair.
YOUMA : Ha, you think I could be destroyed with this toy? I was a world Frisbee
champion in my youth, you know!
MOON-LISA: Well, I'll get you another way then!
She raises a hand, and the tiara moves, binding the youma's wrists and ankles together. It's trussed up like a turkey.
YOUMA : Hey! Waah! Woaaahhhh... (falls over)
Merc-Allison uses her computer.
MERC-ALLISON: Sailor Moon's attacks will not be able to destroy this youma!
LUNA: Well, we have to find some way of beating it!
MERC-ALLISON: I would, (eyes Luna) but somebody decided I should only be
able to make fog...
LUNA (washes paws): Hey, don't look at me, I don't allocate the magic...
MOON-LISA: Luna! Sailor Mercury! Now's not the time for arguing!
JESSICA (interrupts, holds paper and pen): Um, Sailor Moon? I know now might
not be the time, but I was wondering if I could have your autograph?
Moon-Lisa slaps a hand over her forehead.
MOON-LISA: The appeal of fame is starting to wear off...
Luna sees that the pen Jessica is holding is the transformation pen she left.
LUNA: Hey, the pen found you, Jessica! Quickly, hold it up and say "Marsu
powa, make up!" to become Sailor Mars, the soldier of flame!
JESSICA: I can be Sailor Mars? (pause, giddy) Oh my god! Oh boy oh boy oh
boy oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy...
The youma breaks it's bonds, and Moon-Lisa's tiara returns to her.
LUNA: Do it now, Jessica!
JESSICA: oh boy... what? Okay! MARSU POWA, MAKE UP! (nothing happens) Hey,
it didn't work... (Jessica suddenly bursts into flame) Aiee! Help, I'm on fire!
(she runs around madly, until the flames go out on their own accord, revealing that
she now wears a uniform similar to the other two, except her bows etc are shades
of red and black, and she wears high-heels instead of knee-boots. She looks down
at herself with an expression that's a mix of shock and happiness) COOL!
(NOTE : And she's henceforth referred to as MARS-JESSICA when appropriate)
MOON-LISA: Jessica is the third soldier, Sailor Mars? (to Luna) Are you crazy,
cat? She's not a good girl, believe me!
LUNA: Hey, give her a chance, Sailor Moon!
MARS-JESSICA: Yeah! I'll show you I can be good! Occasionally... (to Youma)
Youma! The church depends on the collection money and hall fees of elderly people
to survive! Kidnapping enough would bankrupt my family and is unforgivable! In the
name of Mars, I'll p...
YOUMA : You're going to punish me, right? Boy is this getting repetitive...
MARS-JESSICA: Um, no! I'll chastise you in the name of Mars! Yeah, chastise!
FIRE...
She TWIRLS and clasps her hands, pointing her index fingers out together. A spark appears just above the tips of her fingers.
MARS-JESSICA: ... SOUL!
She shoots a great big fireball at the youma. It hits and the youma is surrounded by a huge pillar of flame, eventually throwing it into the sky.
YOUMA (flying into the air): Aggh! If this is chastise, what's punish like?
MOON-LISA: Wow! That's not bad!
MARS-JESSICA: Wow! I'm good at this!
MERC-ALLISON: The youma's gone! Lets get out of here!
MOON-LISA: Yeah, lets do that ASAP! (to old folks) Quick everyone, get on
the bus!
GRAMPA: Why?
MOON-LISA: Why? Because you'll be stranded here if you don't get out soon!
GRAMPA: Aww, this is nothing. Did I ever tell you about the time I was trapped
behind enemy lines in Belgium? There we were, nothing but Nazis for hundreds of
miles...
MOON-LISA: Hm, this'll be harder than I thought. We need to get their attention
and get them moving, fast!
MERC-ALLISON: But how?
GRAMPA (cont): ... and we were really bored. So I did what we always
did in those days, we created out own entertainment! But we didn't have many things
to use, so we ended up stealing a pig and seeing how full of air we could pump it...
MOON-LISA: I have an idea. Huddle!
Moon, Mercury, Mars and Luna get in a huddle, and whisper among themselves for a while. Mars-Jessica pokes her head up.
MARS-JESSICA: I don't know, Sailor Moon... it sounds pretty embarrassing.
MOON-LISA: Sailor Mars, if there's one thing you need to get used to in this
job, it's embarrassment.
MERC-ALLISON: She's right, and it does sound like it could work.
GRAMPA (cont): ... that was fun for a while, but the novelty of an
inflated pig soon wore off, so I devised a game - a wondrous game played on the
Belgian beaches, where you had to hit the inflated pig over a high net, over and
over again. Beach Abeyball was so popular that after the war we were chosen to represent
Belgium in the Olympic games. I just wish the original pig had lived to see our
success, but he had died somewhere in the middle of the second match.
MOON-LISA: Okay, lets do it then.
The soldiers line up, Mars-Jessica at the left, Merc-Allison in the middle and Moon-Lisa at the right, and start to do the can-can.
MOON/MARS/MERC: Da, diddy-diddy da da diddy-diddy da da diddy-diddy da da-da-da-da-da-da-da
Da, diddy-diddy...
JASPER: Hey, look! They're putting on a Broadway show!
MOON-LISA: Hey, come over and join in, if you want!
CRAZY OLD MAN: Oh boy, have you ever seen me dance? I'm a superstar!
All the old folks and Otto line up behind Mars-Jessica, and start doing the can-can. (badly) Moon-Lisa starts leading the line toward and then onto the bus.
JASPER: Heh, this reminds me of my own time in the navy... ah, good times,
sweet nights...
OTTO: Woah, I gotta try this out in the clubs!
GRAMPA: Of course, Mike Van Damme wasn't very happy about the death of his
pig, and set his son Jean Claude on us, but I easily defeated him with my patented
mixture of preying mantis kung fu and The Force.
They can-can their way onto the bus, and Otto drives it out through the portal, towing the other bus behind it. Grampa continues his story as they do so.
GRAMPA (cont): Unfortunately, after that I was double teamed by Hercule Poirot and Hieronymus Bosch, and not even my mastery of the art of Anything-Goes Abeyball Martial Arts could win the day. I returned to America a broken man, which explains a lot about my offspring.
THE STREET
As Grampa is talking, the bus emerges from the portal and people start getting off.
ROOFTOP
MOON-LISA, MERC-ALLISON, MARS-JESSICA and LUNA watch the old folks getting off.
MERC-ALLISON: Wow, I'm relieved we managed to get out!
MOON-LISA: I'm amazed! I must admit, I thought we were goners for a while.
LUNA: You all did very well today, I'm proud of you. Especially you, Sailor
Mars.
MARS-JESSICA: Wow, thanks! So... now that we're out of danger and out of
sight, can I find out who you are? You know who I am, after all.
MOON-LISA: You really want to know?
MARS-JESSICA: You bet! You're my idols, it would be amazing to know who you
are!
Moon-Lisa and Merc-Allison smile at each other.
MOON-LISA: Okay, if you want to know...
Moon-Lisa and Merc-Allison change their uniforms back to their regular clothes. There is a brief pause, then Mars-Jessica's jaw drops.
MARS-JESSICA: My teammates, Sailor Moon and Sailor Mercury are... nerds?
Another pause, then...
VERY, VERY HIGH VIEW OF SPRINGFIELD
Jessica's tortured scream is heard in every part of the town.
LISA (voice-over): Needless to say, we saw fangirl Jessica rarely from that point on, and she returned to her normal nasty self.
As a variety of unrelated soldier-fight scenes play on the screen, Allison giggles on the voiceover.
JESSICA (voiceover): That was a cruel trick, Lisa. In the name of Mars, I'll
REALLY punish you!
LISA (voiceover): Hey, you can't punish me! I'm Sailor Moon!
LUNA (voiceover): Girls, this is not the time.
ALLISON (voiceover): She's right. We still had to defeat Jimboite!
SPRINGFIELD AIRPORT
It's dark, after midnight. Far shot of Jimboite running away from a Jumbo Jet that
is chasing him.
JESSICA (voiceover): Oh, he was easy! We ran him over with a jet!
Sure enough, the front plane wheel goes over Jimboite. SQUISH.
JIMBOITE: Owww... (leg twitches)
JESSICA (voiceover): So now that the Dark Kingdom is dealt with, I can punish
these two!
A PUBLIC PARK
LISA and ALLISON sit at either end of a bench. JESSICA is in the middle, and twisting
Lisa's arm behind her back. Allison is carrying LUNA.
JESSICA: This is what you get for tricking me!
LISA: Ow, that hurts! Jessica, you're mean! Stop it!
LUNA: JESSICA! Stop that right now! Allison, sit in-between them, will you?
ALLISON: Um, okay...
She moves inbetween them, and Lisa and Jessica stop fighting.
LUNA: Now, I think we all know that the Dark Kingdom is more than just one
general, don't we, Jessica?
JESSICA: Yes...
LISA: How long do you think it will be before they send out a new general
to harass us then?
LUNA: Not long, I'm afraid. I would be surprised if they haven't already
chosen Jimboite's replacement.
INT: BIG SPOOKY MANSION. NIGHT
NELSONITE: The stars know everything. The life of humans is governed by the stars, and at one point in their lives the energy of a human will rise to a great level due to celestial intervention... I shall take that energy for our ruler. Stars, grant me the mystical power, show me the next target!
He sits down, and opens a newspaper.
NELSONITE: Okay, I'm a Sagittarius - (reads) Chance encounters and mistaken identities will bring love. Your confident attitude finds you favour with your boss, but beware of jealous co-workers trying to kill you. A set of badly dressed schoolgirls may cause problems. Regardless of everything else, you have a cool car despite being only 10, so you're doing fine. Your lucky colour is grey, lucky number is 3, the victim of the week is a tennis player.
NORTH KILTTOWN PRESENTS
a The Simpsons / Sailor Moon crossover
"PRETTY SOLDIER SIMPSON MOON"
Part 4 : Babysitters in weird crushes! Jupiter comes stumbling in...
by Steven Scott / GKScotty / Steveite
from an idea by Rich Wilson / Cuteswan
Images drawn by Marco Berzacola unless otherwise noted.
LISA (Voice-over): Unfortunately it all ended in tragedy, as Nelsonite's colleague, Dolphite caught up with him...
WOOD - NIGHT
Nelsonite leans against a tree. He's somewhat worse for wear, as he has about 6 3-foot-long thorns stuck through his chest. JANEY is kneeling beside him.
JANEY: No, don't die!
NELSONITE: Janey... I'm sorry... I really wanted to eat that chocolate parfait
with you... and get a pizza, and some french fries... and a squishiee too... and
some ice cream... a few cans of coke... a nice big steak... (starts to sit up) hey,
man I'm hungry, oh wait, I forgot, I'm dead. (dies)
JANEY: NOOOOOOOOOO!
MOON-LISA, MARS-JESSICA and MERC-ALLISON watch from a vantage point some distance away.
MARS-JESSICA: I guess it's the same old story. Boy meets girl, girl gets crush, boy mistakes girl for Sailor Moon, boy steals girl's energy, girl doesn't seem to mind, boy uses girl to steal crystals, girl still doesn't seem to mind, boy uses girl to find out Sailor Moon's secret identity, girl STILL doesn't seem to mind, girl is kidnapped, boy finally gets a damn conscience, boy rescues girl, boy wants chocolate parfait, boy is killed by 3 foot thorns, girl is heartbroken.
Moon-Lisa and Merc-Allison shake their heads sadly, tears in their eyes.
MERC-ALLISON: So sad... It's always the same.
MOON-LISA: I wonder how Janey could ever get over this...
JANEY (voiceover): It took a while, but I eventually did, and I got myself
a new boyfriend. The boy who'd stuck by me the closest when I was sad...
MILHOUSE (voiceover): Me!
THE BENCH IN THE PUBLIC PARK
MILHOUSE and JANEY sit at the right-hand side of the bench. LISA, ALLISON, JESSICA
and LUNA are at the far left, looking at Milhouse and Janey. It looks like they've
just had a great shock and they've scrambled up on top of each other! Jessica kneels
on the bench, Lisa has climbed up onto Jessica's back, Allison has climbed up onto
Lisa's back and Luna is standing on Allison's shoulders.
LISA/ALLISON/JESSICA (in unison, surprised): Woah! When did you two get here???
JANEY: Just now.
MILHOUSE: You were doing some narration, and it looked like fun, so we thought
we'd join in!
JESSICA (glare): Well, if you don't mind, this is a private narration.
LISA: Sorry Janey.
JANEY: Hmph, okay. We know when we're not wanted. Come on Milhouse, let's
leave them to their clique and go have that shrimp.
MILHOUSE: Shrimp? Oh boy!
They get up and leave. The girls climb down off each other and sit on the bench.
LISA (disturbed): Anyone predict that those two would get together?
JESSICA: Not me...
ALLISON: Nor I. But anyway (to Luna) what happened next?
LUNA: Well, I think the Dark Kingdom changed their plan...
INT: THE BIG BLACK SCAREY PLACE.
QUEEN BERYL sits on her throne. DOLPHITE and KEARNEYITE stand before her.
BERYL: Our collection of energy is proceeding far too slowly! The Dark Kingdom has never had to do this before, but I've called in a consultant. Mr Dogbert?
A small white dog wearing glasses enters.
DOGBERT: Right here, Queen.
BERYL: Now that you have finished your analysis of our organization, what
are your suggestions?
DOGBERT: Well, first there's an issue of space. You have quite the network
of huge caves here, but currently you just let your youmas and generals stay anywhere,
so we have 2 or 3 youmas per cavern. (holds out a cardboard box) Now, if you installed
these "modular workspace and sleeping quarters" you could stack all your vassals
and peons into a single cavern, and rent out the remaining space to other evil empires.
KEARNEYITE: Hey now wait a minute. I'm not sleeping in a cardboard box!
DOGBERT: We do of course have an executive model...
He pulls the cord on a curtain behind him, revealing a luxuriously decorated cardboard box, roughly the size of a penthouse.
KEARNEYITE/DOLPHITE: Oooh...
DOGBERT: As an extra bonus, I can get these modular units to you fairly cheap,
from Dogbert Cardboard. Now, to my next finding... there is no sense of teamwork
here. This kingdom is completely lacking in synergy, we can see it every day in
the infighting, bickering and killing between Generals. If your generals could learn
to work together on a task, the chances of success would rise, correct?
BERYL: You might be right...
DOGBERT: No, I'm always right. Now, it just so happens that I run a week's
wilderness training workshop, to teach fundamental skills like teamwork and leadership
and whatever. 99.3% of pointy-haired-bosses agree, they always have more synergy
in their company after going on a wilderness workshop.
BERYL: Sounds good. We'll take it!
Fade out, and show caption "Two weeks later" Fade in to show Beryl, Dolphite and Kearneyite slowly staggering into the throne room. Dolphite and Kearneyite both carry a heavy backpack.
KEARNEYITE: Correct me if I'm wrong, your highness, but did we just pay $2000
a head to walk from Peking to Paris, while the dog drove ahead in a limo?
BERYL: Yes... I suppose so. But we learned a lot about teamwork, didn't we?
DOLPHITE: Did we? I didn't.
KEARNEYITE: Neither did I. He didn't talk to us once during the trip.
BERYL: Well, I did... didn't I?
ANOTHER PART OF THE DARK KINGDOM
DOGBERT stands counting a stack of money, laughing quietly to himself. He turns
as he hears some shouting behind him, and sees a huge mass of youmas charging at
him, led by Dolphite and Kearneyite.
KEARNEYITE: Die!
DOGBERT: Uh oh, looks like they've caught up faster than average. (into communicator)
Beam me up, Nabiki.
NABIKI TENDO (filtered): I told you this was a bad idea.
DOGBERT: Never mind that, just beam me up before they kill me.
NABIKI TENDO (filtered): 16000 yen.
DOGBERT: Forget it. (throws away communicator, gets another one) Beam me
up, Dilbert.
DILBERT (filtered): Sure.
Dogbert disappears in a flash of light, just as the Dark Kingdom guys get to him.
KEARNEYITE: Damn! We missed him!
Beryl glides over.
BERYL: Kearnyite, hunt down that consultant and destroy him! The rest of you, forget what he said... we're going back to basics. Dolphite...
Beryl waves a hand over the orb on her staff. A black crystal comes out of the orb, and throws itself over to Dolphite, who catches it.
BERYL: Forget about human energy... if we had the Ginzoushou, or Silver Plot
Device, we would be able to awaken our great ruler instantly. The Ginzoushou will
shine when all the "Rainbow Crystals" are collected - and this Dark crystal will
lead you to the humans that have the rainbow crystals. Got it?
DOLPHITE: Uh... could you repeat that? What crystals lead to what again?
BERYL: Just use the dark one to find the rainbow ones for now, dimwit.
DOLPHITE: Huh, okay...
STREET - DAY
LISA walks home from school, LUNA beside her.
LUNA: I must say, Lisa, I'm very impressed with how well you girls are doing. You're tackling our enemies responsibly and competently, even though you're a bit young. I was occasionally afraid that the soldiers would turn out to be ditzes, but I'm glad you have a brain in your head.
LISA (smiling, but a bit embarrassed): He he... well, thanks Luna... I'd prefer it if it didn't seem so silly though, I mean, couldn't we change the uniform a little or something...
Lisa's not looking where she's going, and walks into a 9th grade girl. The girl and her two friends tower over Lisa. All three are dressed somewhat slutty and smoke cigarettes.
GIRL 1: Hey shrimp, watch where you're going!
GIRL 2: Yeah, you could hurt someone like that!
LISA: S-sorry, I didn't mean...
GIRL 1: It doesn't matter what you meant! We're gonna need some compensation
for this! You've got money, don'cha?
LISA: Money? N-no, I don't...
GIRL 3: Liar! 'Course you do! Get her!
Girl 1 pushes Lisa over. 2 and 3 hold Lisa down, while 1 goes through Lisa's bag.
LISA: Agh! Hey, don't... hey, lemmie go!
LAURA (offscreen): Hey! Leave her alone!
Camera quickly pans over to LAURA POWERS. (episode "New Kid On The Block") She stands with a hand on her hip and her schoolbag over her shoulder.
(Laura is a teenager who moved in next door to the Simpsons. Bart became infatuated with her, but his heart was (almost literally) torn out when she got herself a boyfriend - Jimbo Jones. Bart managed to get his own back though - he tricked Moe into threatening Jimbo with a very sharp knife. Jimbo burst into tears and Laura realized he wasn't the hard man he made himself out to be. So she dumped the wimp. When she was younger, Laura spent a lot of time travelling the world as her dad was in the army. Now her parents are divorced and she live with her mother Ruth in Springfield)
GIRL 3: Hey, you're an eighth grader, aren't ya?
GIRL 1: Better leave us alone, or you're next!
LAURA: I don't think so, that girl's my neighbor! I baby-sit for her!
GIRL 1: You wanna be a hero? Okay, you asked for it!
LISA (voiceover): Needless to say, when a lone heroine babysitter is outnumbered by bullies in defense of an innocent victim...
Show quick flashes of Laura uppercutting one girl, kicking the next, and throwing the last over her shoulder
LUNA (voiceover): ... she always beats the stuffing out of them. Absolutely always.
STREET
Lisa and Luna walk with Laura. Dear God, are there three L's in this scene? At least
Lenny and Lou the cop aren't here.
LISA: Um... thanks for helping back there... how'd you do that?
LAURA: No problem, glad to do it. Back when we were always moving around
with my dad, he's teach me some of the stuff he learned from the army. (looks around
nervously) Come on, I'll walk you home in case they come back.
They continue, and pass the Kwik-E-Mart... there seems to a huge commotion going on outside.
LISA: Hey, what's going on over there?
LAURA: I don't know... lets check it out.
Close up on Luna.
LUNA (thinking): Hm, I sense a strange energy. We'd better be careful.
OUTSIDE KWIK-E-MART
There's a huge crowd of people gathered around a crane-game machine. You know, those
crappy things where you try to catch soft toys from a bin with a crane. A young
man in his teens to early-20s (JOE) is playing on it, he has no sense of embarrassment
apparently. An almost full bag of soft toys lies at his feet. A large group of people,
including ALLISON and JESSICA have gathered to watch the freak.
He puts another quarter into the machine, and positions the crane over a bootleg
Sailor Merc-Allison plush doll. As the crane descends, he places a hand on the glass,
and the doll ascends up into the grabber, followed by an Itchy plush as well.
He picks them up out of the tray, and holds them before him - suddenly a huge smile
appears on his face, and he stares blankly at the dolls.
JOE (to self): He he... plushies for Joe, more plushies for Joe... (he rubs his cheek against the Itchy doll, making "mnn mnn" noises, and then seems to wake up, as he notices people are watching him) Hey, what are you looking at?
All the people looking at him take a step backward. Joe looks at the dolls.
JOE: Hm, I hate it when that happens in public...
He puts the dolls in a bag, and another quarter in the machine. Camera pans over to Lisa, who walks over to Allison and Jessica.
LISA: Heya... what's going on? Who is this guy?
ALLISON: Hi Lisa. I think he's called Crane Guy Joe.
JESSICA: He's some freak who obsessively plays crane games until he has all
the dolls from them. I heard he's cleaned out most of the games around Springfield
in the last few days.
LISA: Hm, that's weird. He must have some kind of fetish or something...
Tight shot of Joe's profile. His face is turning red with excitement as he wins another doll. Suddenly, the muzzle of a shotgun is pressed into his cheek.
APU (OS): Please to be stepping away from the machine.
Cut backwards to show APU and SANJAY pointing shotguns at Joe. Joe puts up his hands and steps back.
APU: I do not know how you have been so lucky with my rigged amusement, but
I must ask you to step away and allow others to waste their money on it. Take your
ill-gotten toys and leave please.
JOE: Hey man, I was winning those dolls fair and square...
Apu and Sanjay cock their guns. Joe backs away.
APU: Nobody wins those dolls fair and square! It is not possible Sir!
JOE: Okay, alright, I'm going...
He grabs his bag and leaves, passing Lisa, Allison and Jessica who watch him go.
JESSICA: I'd say that one's missing a few buttons.
ALLISON: He looks a lot like he needs psychiatric help.
LISA: Yeah, I agree... what do you think, Laura?
Camera pans back to show Laura standing next to Lisa. She has a lovesick look on her face.
LAURA: My old boyfriend...
LISA: Huh?
LAURA: He looks just like my old boyfriend, who I dumped because he was a
wuss...
JIMBO appears from out of nowhere.
JIMBO: Hey, I resemble that remark!
LAURA (suddenly vicious): Was I talking to you, worm?
JIMBO: Eep! (backs away)
LAURA (lovelorn again): Anyway... ever since then, I havn't really been able
to get him out of my mind...
JIMBO (OS): If you want me back, I'm right here!
LAURA (vicious again): Push off and die, creep!
Laura runs off, chasing after Joe.
LISA: Wow, pretty weird.
LUNA: Lisa, I'm concerned about Laura... we should follow her, I got a strange
feeling from that man.
A PARK
Laura walks through the park, looking for Joe. She eventually spots him in amongst
the trees, sitting cross-legged on the grass and playing with his new toys. She
hides behind a bush and watches him.
LAURA: Ah, he's so cute and wimpy... just like my old boyfriend...
CLOSEUP OF JOE AND HIS TOYS
Joe plays with his toys - a frog doll and the Merc-Allison doll.
JOE: So what do you like about me, Clyde Frog?
JOE (to himself, as Clyde): Everything! You are great, Joe! And you're so
good at the crane game!
JOE (as self): Well thank you Clyde Frog. What about you, Sailor Mercury?
JOE (to self as Mercury): I think you're the smartest and coolest person
ever, Joe! I really like the way you casually blow off nice people, just to be an
asshole!
CLOSEUP OF LAURA
She continues to stare lovingly toward Joe. But there's a rasping sound coming from
somewhere. Camera moves out to show Lisa, Jessica and Allison hiding behind the
same bush. Allison is grinding her teeth, and looks severely PISSED OFF.
LAURA: Woah, where did you three come from? Is everyone following me about
today?
JESSICA: Hey Allison, I didn't know you swore like that.
ALLISON (incandescent RAGE): I Don't. If he doesn't get his hands off that
doll in 6 seconds, I'll...
JESSICA: Yeesh, calm down girl. It's just a doll, it's not you.
JOE (OS): I'm glad I got you Sailor Mercury, and not that nasty Sailor Mars.
(Jessica frowns) I got one of her once and had to throw her in the trash, (Jessica
glares) she just didn't understand me.
JESSICA (deadpan): Okay, he's dead.
ALLISON (glaring): Lets get 'im.
They nod at each other, and grab their transformation pens, but are interrupted by a coughing coming from the ground. Luna is hiding in the bush and glares up at them.
LUNA (whisper): I sincerely hope you're not thinking of transforming in front
of Laura, and attacking a civilian?
ALLISON/JESSICA: Aw... but...
Luna shakes her head.
JESSICA: Okay Luna... come on Allison, lets go find a private place to transform,
and then get him!
ALLISON: Alright!
They run off.
LUNA: Hey, that's not what I meant... aw, forget it.
Pan back to Laura and Lisa. Laura apparently hasn't noticed any of this, as she's still looking at Joe.
LAURA: Okay, I'm going to make my move.
LISA: Are you sure? He seems a bit... disturbed... to me.
LAURA: Don't worry Lisa... I'm sure that once you get past his odd liking
for toys, he's a great guy. Wish me luck!
She gets up from behind the bush, and walks over towards Joe.
LAURA: Hi, I...
Joe grabs his toys and holds them to his chest.
JOE (snarling): MY PRECIOUS!
BEHIND BUSH
Lisa has been watching this, and Laura sits down beside her.
LAURA: Okay, on to plan B.
LISA: You're going to bother with plan B after that?
LAURA: He's a bit edgy and possessive, but I'm sure that I can change him.
LISA: Don't you think you're being a little ridiculous?
LAURA: I'm a teenager, ridiculous is my forte. I mean...
As she gets to "I mean", DOLPHITE teleports into the area near Joe. Joe is a bit scared.
LAURA: ... hey, who the heck is that?
Luna sticks her head out from the bush.
LUNA (quiet): A Dark Kingdom general! (heads through bush to Lisa) Lisa, sneak away and change to Sailor Moon!
Lisa looks at Luna and nods.
CLEARING IN PARK.
Joe sits on the ground, looking up at Dolphite.
JOE (scared): Who, who are you? And what do you want with my plushies?
DOLPHITE: What do I look like? I don't want your plushies. It's you I'm interested
in!
JOE: W-w-what?
Dolphite throws the black crystal toward Joe.
DOLPHITE: Dol!
The crystal spins, and hangs in the air. It then starts giving out weirdo rays represented by loads of concentric circles. The concentric circles make Joe even weirder - viz, he starts shaking and screaming.
LAURA (getting up): Hey, what do you think you're doing to him?
LISA (whisper): Laura, no! Be careful!
LAURA: Why don't you pick on someone your own size?
DOLPHITE: Don't get in my way, or you'll be sorry.
LAURA: Hmph! Hi-ya!
Dolphite snatches the crystal back, as Laura attacks him. She tries to kick and punch for several seconds, but Dolphite just dodges. Eventually however she manages to get a punch in on Dolphite's cheek, and he staggers.
DOLPHITE: Hey! You hit me! But you won't stop me... I WILL have the rainbow crystal! Dol!
He throws out the Dark Crystal again, and Joe starts screaming again. A red crystal comes out of his chest, and flies over to Dolphite's hand.
DOLPHITE: I got it!
MOON-LISA: Hey! Stop right there!
LAURA: Sailor Moon?
Yes, at some point Lisa has finally got her hands on that brooch and changed to Sailor Moon mode. Dolphite is unimpressed.
DOLPHITE: You're too late. Take care of them, Youma Gesen!
He disappears, teleporting away. Moon-Lisa and Laura gasp, and then turn to Joe. He's kneeling on the ground and screaming - a huge whirlwind rises up around him, and when it subsides, a youma shaped like a robotic man is there.
YOUMA GESEN: GESEN!
LAURA: What the?
MOON-LISA: Hey! He turned into a youma?
GESEN: GESEN!
He points his arm at Lisa, and presses some buttons on his gauntlet. It makes some "video-gamey" beeps and bloops. Then the hand turns into a grabber which shoots straight at Moon-Lisa, seizing her and binding her arms to her sides.
LAURA: Look out!
MOON-LISA: Agh! Help!
She tries to break out of the grip, but can't.
LUNA: Sailor Moon! (to self) Oh, where did Jessica and Allison go? I thought they would be back soon...
LADIES TOILETS
Jessica and Allison stand outside the cubicles, waiting for the current users to
come out. After a few moments the toilets flush, and the 2 doors open. The current
occupants leave and Jessica and Allison run in, closing the doors behind them.
JESSICA: MARSU POWA, MAKE UP!
ALLISON: MURCURI POWA, MAKE UP!
A huge fire flares in the cubicle that Jessica is in, while water starts flooding out of the cubicle Allison is in. This continues for a few seconds, until Merc-Allison opens her door and the blackened and charred door falls off of Mars-Jessica's cubicle, and she exits it. The floor is flooded with water, and Mars-Jessica's cubicle is on fire. She looks at it, and puts her hands to her mouth.
MARS-JESSICA: Oops...
MERC-ALLISON: Hm, maybe we should avoid doing that in enclosed spaces...
MARS-JESSICA (panicking): Well, what are you waiting for? Put it out!
MERC-ALLISON: I'll try... SHABON SPRAYY!
She tries to use the Shabon Spray to put the fire out.
BACK AT THE FIGHT
Things are the same as they were - Gesen has Moon-Lisa in a hold, Laura and Luna
are watching.
LUNA (to self): Well, I hope they return soon! I don't know how much longer Sailor Moon can hold on.
Closeup of Moon-Lisa. She struggles against the bonds for a few seconds... and then they suddenly disappear.
MOON-LISA: Huh?
She looks up, and sees that Laura has picked up Gesen, and is holding it over her head! As she holds the pose, a symbol similar to a green 4 appears on her forehead.
LAURA: I'm a big fan of Sailor Moon, so leave her alone!
GESEN: GESEN?
MOON-LISA: Wow, that's incredible! I had no idea Laura could lift so much!
Laura suddenly turns red as her shoulders slump, and stumbles to the side a little before falling over.
LUNA (deadpan): That's because she can't.
LAURA: Well, I think I hurt him more than I hurt myself... ow.
Gesen gets up.
GESEN: GESEN!
LUNA: Quick, Laura, get up!
LAURA: Woah, the cat is talking! Cool!
LUNA (flattered): Well, thanks for saying, I'm glad...
LAURA: Are you one of those Japanese robot pets, like an AIBO?
LUNA (no longer flattered): No. Hmph! Quickly, take this transformation pen,
and say "Jupita Powa, Make Up!" Then help Sailor Moon defeat the youma!
LAURA: What? It sounds strange but... okay. (takes it, and holds it up) JUPITA
POWA, MAKE UP!
Laura is immediately covered by electricity - we see her hair standing out on end, and an x-ray of her skeleton in a "shock" pose.
LAURA: Bzzt-but-bzztt-bu-buztz-bu-butz-buzz...
The electricity subsides quickly, leaving a slightly smoking SAILOR JUPITER (JUP-LAURA) standing there. She's dressed similarly to Moon-Lisa, except in shades of green with pink bows.
JUP-LAURA (breathless): Woah... what a rush...
LUNA: You are the fourth Sailor Soldier, Sailor Jupiter!
MOON-LISA: Great! We finally got another!
JUP-LAURA: I am? So, uh... what do I do?
GESEN (getting up): GESEN!
LUNA: Quickly, use the "Supreim thunda!" on that!
JUP-LAURA: "Supreim thunda?" Okay, I'll give it a shot...
She jumps up into the air, toward Gesen.
JUP-LAURA: My planet Jupiter, bring the storms, dark clouds, and thunder!
MOON-LISA: Who do you think you are, Storm?
LUNA: Just do the attack!
JUP-LAURA: Awww... okay.
A lightning rod extends out of the gem in Jup-Laura's tiara. Lightning crackles around it.
JUP-LAURA: SUPREIM THUNDA!
She shoots the lighting at the youma. As it's mechanical and electrical, it crackles and almost shuts down from being overloaded.
GESEN: GE-GE-GESEN!
MOON-LISA: I think it's almost down! I'll finish it off with my tiara! (goes
to grab it...)
LUNA: No, Sailor Moon, don't! That youma was originally a human - well, a
really weird one, but a human nonetheless.
MOON-LISA: Well... that's bad! I can't kill a human!
JUP-LAURA: What can we do? We can't let it go either!
LUNA: You have to heal it!
Luna does a BIG TWIRLY BACKFLIP, and a wand with a crescent-moon shaped head appears. It falls into Moon-Lisa's hands.
LUNA: It's the Moon Wand. Wave it about a lot and say "Mooon Healinggu Escalation!
MOON-LISA: Is that all I do in this job? Wave things about and shout?
LUNA: Pretty much, yeah. No heavy lifting.
MOON-LISA (resigned): Oh well. Here goes then...
REPETITIVE MOON WAND ATTACK
Closeup of Moon-Lisa's hand - she spins the Moon Wand in it, and then lowers it
to POSE with it in front of her face. Then she sticks out the wand, and SPIN SPIN
SPIN WAVE WAVE WAVE POSE.
MOON-LISA: MOOON HEALINGGU ESCALATION!
BACK TO THE PARK
GESEN glows brightly, stretching out his arms and legs.
GESEN: Refresh!
He turns back into JOE, and falls over. There is silence for a moment.
MOON-LISA: Refresh?
LUNA: Don't ask me. I'm just a cat.
JUP-LAURA: So... forgive me for being a clueless newbie, but what just happened?
LUNA: You are one of the Sailor Soldiers, Sailor Jupiter, the soldier of
Thunder and lightning, and also coconuts and oak leaves for some reason. Sailor
Moon, now we have 4 members, and the Moon Wand has appeared in your hands... you
must be the leader! Now, we have to find the princess!
An ambulance pulls up, and DR NICK RIVIERA gets out.
NICK: Hi everybody!
MOON-LISA/JUP-LAURA: Uh, hi Dr Nick...
Nick sees Joe lying on the ground.
NICK: Holy smokes! You caught the escaped mental patient we were looking
for!
JUP-LAURA: We did? Well, it was nothing really...
MOON-LISA: Uh, yeah, nothing we can't handle.
NICK: Well then... come on Joe!
Two men come out of the ambulance, straitjacket Joe, and load him onto a stretcher. He's still partly unconscious, just groaning occasionally.
NICK: Thanks again, we need to get Joe back to his treatment. Bye everybody!
MOON-LISA/JUP-LAURA: Bye Dr Nick!
The ambulance doors close, and it drives off. Follow it for a moment.
NICK (OS): Now Joe, since you missed so much of your treatment, we'll have
to increase the voltage for just now. Or should we increase the amps? Eh, lets do
both!
JOE (OS): No... not more electricity...
Loud ZAPPING noises are heard, and lights flash in the ambulance. Joe's screams are heard over the noise.
NICK: Oh, that was a good one. Now, how do you feel about dolls?
JOE: Eugh...
BACK TO THE PARK (AGAIN)
Moon-Lisa and Jup-Laura watch the ambulance leave.
JUP-LAURA: Well, it's good to know he's in safe hands.
MARS-JESSICA and MERC-ALLISON run over.
MARS-JESSICA: Okay, if you see anybody claiming we vandalized a restroom,
we didn't do it, okay?
LUNA: What are you talking about?
MARS-JESSICA: Never mind. (cracks knuckles) Now, where's that freak?
MOON-LISA: The state took him away.
Both Mars-Jessica and Merc-Allison bow their heads sadly.
MARS-JESSICA/MERC-ALLISON: Aww...
MERC-ALLISON: I guess we were too slow... oh well. Who's the new girl?
MARS-JESSICA: And where'd you get that tacky wand?
LISA (voiceover): We explaine